Sleeping Together

Dear Bro Jo,

My Boyfriend and I have recently started getting serious. He just turned 19, and I'm almost 19. It only worries me, because he is leaving at the end of March for his mission.

And we kinda have a history:

We've known each other for the past 6 years and have liked each other on and off since then. And a few of those years like the 16 turning 17 year we tried dating and failed. (my fault) and didn't talk for quite sometime. it was hard on both of us. BUT since then we have more than overcame/overcome (bleh) it and hung out a lot this summer thanks to a friend. and then talked things over before I left for college (kissed) we each another person while away and then I came for thanksgiving and hung out with him and his girlfriend (one of my really good friends or at least use to be idk what she thinks of me anymore you'll see why) at the volleyball tourney and then less than a week later they broke up and the next day he came down from his home (2 hours) to visit me, and take me out on our first date together. Yeah he left her for me. Well we've always been really close even though the times we didn't talk, but we've gotten so much closer since I've left.

Well Christmas break came and past he came to my hometown twice actually stayed with my family both times, while I was there, and took me out the 2nd time. The first time my friend came too and spent the night as well. It was lots of fun he really got to know my family and my mom loves him it's really funny.

Then I went back to school, and we continued to get closer. Then he told me he was coming for Valentine's Day.

He came! It was great we went out both nights, and had lots of fun! He slept with me, like in the same bed, but honestly nothing happened. It was just like snuggling all night. I know some people look at that wrong and

I don't understand why.

Well before he left we finally got the L word out of our mouths, and told each other we loved each other.

Which was honestly a relief.

I'm SOOOOOO excited for him to go on his mission, and can't wait. But yet, I'm worried because we've been around each other for so long, that it might hurt us.

Help?

Love, Cereal


Dear Cereal,

One of the most difficult, but important, things we need to do when we love someone is to let them be free.

It requires a lot of faith, a lot of trust and, yes, it's a risk.

Sister Jo is a very attractive woman; how do I know she doesn't have a secret boyfriend that comes over when I'm at the office, or on a business trip? She's a very capable driver; still I worry about her when the roads are icy. Not just her, but what if someone runs into her?

But she's not my possession. I can't watch her all day. I can't drive her everywhere. She needs to be free to do the things she needs and wants to do. We've been married nearly 20 years; it would kill me if she ever left me for someone else; if, heaven forbid, she dies before I do I will miss her terribly until we're united again.

But I still have to give her the freedom she needs.

Love means letting go.

Even though things may change.

This is what he needs to do. You need to not just let him, but encourage and support him.

You need to stay here. He needs to encourage and support you.

And that, little sister, is why, BECAUSE you both care for each other, that you need to break up.

A breakup need not be a mean-spirited abandonment. In this case it can be an expression of love.

You care enough for him to say "I want you to be able to serve the Lord with all of your heart, might, mind and strength; don't worry about me" and he needs to love you enough to say "I have to leave now; I like you enough to wish for your happiness; it's wrong for me to expect someone as wonderful as you to sit at home lonely while I'm gone; be free; date other guys while I'm away; and if you find a Good Man that will love and care for and protect you, then I will be happy for you even if I'm sad for myself".

While he's gone, by all means, stay in touch. Send appropriate, non-girlfriend style, letters of spiritual encouragement.

When he comes home, if you're not married, you two should absolutely date. If, at that time, you find that your love for each other has grown, if you both see yourselves together, then that's wonderful. If not, well . . . that's OK too.

See, Cereal, one thing that is so difficult to understand, I think, as a young person, is that there's more than one person in the world that can make a wonderful spouse for each of us. (OK, OK, I'll confess that I used the "we're destined to be together" argument on the girl you all now know as Sister Jo, quite effectively, I might add, and it worked out very well for me, but it's totally bogus.)

Now, regarding the Sleeping Together . . . here's why it's wrong:

Sex.

Sure, nothing happened. This time.

But it could have.

When we're asleep our defenses are down. When the two of you are "cuddling" (and sleeping) it's very easy for one, or both, of you to turn that situation into heavy petting. Especially if one, or both, of you awakes in a semi-conscious state from a sex dream. I have seven children, I hope you trust me when I tell you that I know, from experience, just how little distance is between "cuddling" and "we're having a baby".

Especially if you're already in bed together.

For guys, especially when were younger, the urge to push the car to 85 miles per hour once we've already broken the law by driving 80 is very difficult to resist.  We know we should put on the brakes, should slow down, but unless there's a highway patrolman somewhere, or something happens to wake us up to the fear of getting a ticket . . . well, the next thing we know we look down at the speedometer and we're doing 90.

Satan wants few things more than to make going to the Temple less likely, and I'm sure the last thing you want, if you care about him as much as you say you do, is to be the reason this boy doesn't get to go, to the temple or on a mission.

Don't mourn that he's going away; be grateful for the time you've had.

And, who knows . . . two years can go by pretty fast.

- Bro Jo