Boy Drama

Dear Bro Jo,

I don't even know where to begin.

I have written you before but let me just re-introduce myself. I am 18 and a freshmen in college.

At the beginning of this 2nd semester, after Christmas break, I got into contact with a guy that I liked and was friends with from the previous semester (I moved on from my high school friend like you had advised). He acted really interested in me and after a while of talking for the first time since last semester he asked me on a date. I thought he must really liked me if he asked me so quickly. Since then, we have talked and texted multiple times a day on the phone.

We went on a double date at the end of that week and the next day I had to head back to my home town for some family matters. While I was in my home town we talked everyday all day long. We finally admitted to one another that we really liked eachother. I would wake up in the morning to texts that he had sent at 2am telling me how he missed me and wanted me to come back sooner. When I got back we spent everyday together. The first night back he started holding my hand, later that progressed to "cuddling".

We went on several dates a week, many times with other couples as well. I soon found out that I would be making a trip to his hometown to visit a friend of mine that lives there as well, I invited him along because I knew he would want to go home. He made me promise him that I would at least hang out with him once while we were there because I had previously told him I would be going there to visit friends. But of course i agreed to hangout with him. He was the sweetest guy a girl could possible ask for.

He made me feel like the world and I loved it, I was falling for him harder than I wanted to. He constantly told me how much he liked me and when we weren't together he told me how much he missed me. I decided to start the "Determine The Relationship" conversation after a guy in my class asked me on a date. So I asked him what he thought we were relationship wise.

He responded with he thought we were and should just be "openly dating".He told me that he didn't want to date exclusively because there was only 2 more months left in the semester and by the end of the summer he would be leaving on his mission. I agreed. I thought there was nothing wrong with that, we could keep dating and having fun.

But I was still confused when he would tell me we were openly dating yet he spent every free time with me. To make a long story short, a week or so went by and we had another DTR. Except this time he brought up the fact that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend of two years.

That was a shocker. And probably should have been a big red flag for me to get out then. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I loved the time we spent together and how he was so amazing to me. So I acted like it was no big deal. We became so close in the past month we had been dating.
Up until a week before leaving on our little road trip to his hometown, everything was awesome. Until we went on a date and he all of a sudden wouldn't hold my hand and just stopped talking to me.

I was so confused.

So we head out on our road trip and it was a great drive. Lots of deep conversations and laughing and singing. It was great.

When I was with one of the friends I was visiting, she asked me if he had kissed me yet.
I said no. She wanted to know why he hadnt yet so she texted him and asked him. His response was that he couldn't because he respected me too much. That was the end of that conversation....until we got back to our school and I asked him what he meant by that. He told me that he didn't want to lead me on. I asked him if he was saying that he didn't like me anymore. He said yes.

OUCH.

Another long story short. He tried to explain that he knew it had come down to either being exclusive or nothing at all because we had such a short time left at school so he decided to stop everything (without informing me of any of this by the way) and he also explained again about his exgirlfriend and his feelings for her (later I find out that he spent a lovely valentines weekend with her when we went to his hometown). He said that he didn't want any of this to ruin our friendship because I was his best friend at school.

I told him that I was extremely hurt and EXACTLY how i felt about what he did to me. I told him that I didn't know if I could talk to him for a while because of how much that hurt.

He seemed very upset about me even thinking about not wanting to be friends with him.
So my question is this.

Is there anyway you can decode this guy and tell me what his motives are by wanting me to be his best friend so badly?

As much as I want to tell him I can't just be friends with him, it hurts so much because I would be losing a friendship that had previously meant so much to me.

Thank you for your time,

Hurt and Hating it



Dear Hurt,

Really?!?

You think this guy needs decoding?

I think he's been pretty clear. (Albeit dumb, but clear.)

You're his Back Up. (If he was smarter he'd pick you over the girl he can't have - except that he's smart not to have a pre-mish girlfriend - but you're probably better off that he's a post.)

You're his Safety.

He's enjoying being out with You, but has clearly said he prefers Her.

And yet he wants to keep you in reserve.

I've got a nickel that says that when he comes back from the mission he'll consider dating you . . . IF the other girl is taken (or turns him down).

And I've got a dime that says you won't be available, or interested, either.

I know it hurts, but finding a Good Spouse at the end of all this work is worth all you go through to get there. Keep dating!

(You know, you may want to give my "Bro Jo's LEVELS of a RELATIONSHIP" a read. I think you were trying to jump to #7 too fast. Date everybody! Let them ask you to be exclusive, until then, as Sister Jo says: "don't put all of your eggs in one basket".)

Hang in there.  I promise the hurt goes away.

Well . . . at least it diminishes.

- Bro Jo


PS - Pay more attention to the Big Red Flags.

PSS - NOW do you believe me when I say that "Men and Women Can't Be Friends"?
:)