The Importance of Respect (and Bro Jo's Tirade on Modesty and Hugging)

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 14 years old, and I'm a freshman in high school. Being a teenage girl, I am boy crazy. I think most girls are, right? I've never had a boyfriend, or broken any of the standards, but I just love boys and I love flirting. There's this one boy at my school who I really like, and I am almost positive he likes me back. He's really nice, and he meets my 'list' for what I like in a guy... He's tall, he has brown hair, he's funny, he's nice, he's easy to talk to, he has a great personality, he's musical... everything I like! We are very good friends and hug daily, not being flirty, but just because we're good friends and we're both very 'huggy' people. I think we have a special friendship because we've only known each other since the start of the school year, but we clicked instantly. We have a ton of things in common, which I love.

Only about a month ago did he find out I was Mormon. I was shocked at his response. Most of my friends know I am, but I don't go around saying "hey guess what! I'm a Mormon!" But, it's on my Facebook page, and people just know it and it spreads around. If people ask me, obviously I don't deny it, but I avoid talking about it (I know, I should be trying to bring it up and get people interested, but its hard!) because of being criticized about things especially like "magic/special underwear..." Being told I'm stupid for my religion does not feel good, and is the main reason I hate talking about it. Anyways, I was talking to him about a friend who goes to my church, and he's like "oh I know her!" and I was like "Really? she goes to my church," and his face immediately froze and he was like "oh..." I then said "what? You make that sound like a bad thing!" and he said "well, YEAH! I HATE Mormons!" I think I just about died. I asked him why, and he answered "Well, just because of gay rights and stuff. And I really just don't like Christianity in general." (I was happy he at least knew we ARE Christian...) I was sad that he reacted in such a way, but I'm glad that he knows and our friendship is unchanged.

He will make a comment sometimes, but not often, like I'll say something and he'll just randomly be like "yah, you MORMON!" Or, he'll sometimes he says to someone that we're talking to "hey, you know she's a Mormon?" He doesn't say those things a lot, but when he does, it hurts my feelings and embarrasses me-- not because I'm embarrassed of the Church, but just because it is embarrassing that people think that about me or my religion. I can't explain the feeling.

Regardless of all of his comments, I still really like him and like I said, I pretty sure he likes me. I actually didn't start liking him until after all this happened. We flirt a lot, but not in an extremely obvious way. To me, flirting with him is just how much we talk, and how deep we talk, and it just seems like we are always together. We sit at the same table at lunch, a lot of the time next to each other, and we are partners in class, he goes out of his way to talk to me or to be near me (it seems like...). I don't know, I guess it might not be flirting, but to me it is, and I think he feels the same way. Talking to him is important to me. We don't go a single day without talking and having several good conversations. And, he's a good person. He's not trash like a LOT of people at my school. He is just a good person.

Talking to him all the time, I know a lot about him. I finally learned why he hates Mormons for gay rights so much. For a while, I was scared thinking maybe HE was gay, because he felt SO strongly about the matter. I learned he for sure isn't, but that's besides the point. He has a lot of gay people in his family, including his twin sister, so he is just sticking up for his family, which I can't blame him. I stick up for my family, too, and it shows me how much he cares about his family. Still, I know homosexuality is wrong, but he doesn't understand why we believe that. So I guess he just "hates Mormons" because some of his family is being 'discriminated against', or something like that.

Anyways, I guess my question is just Is it okay/good for me to like him? How can I get him to change his opinion about Mormons? I really, really, really like him. I can't explain my feelings for him, they are so strong. I know I am only 14 and can't date him for 2 more years, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

-Girl with a Crush



Dear Crusher,

I'm not convinced this guy is a great as you say he is. He picks on you, insults your faith, constantly speaks in ignorance, and is too "huggy".

Forgive my while I'm blunt here for a moment, but Too Many of you Younger Sisters seem to have no clue that boys aren't hugging you because they're friendly or want to console you; they do it because it's the closest they can get to copping a feel without using their hands.

You can tell me "it's not like that" until you're blue in the face, but I know better. And any teen boy that tells you that when he's hugging a girl he doesn't notice her chest is (and read this very carefully) a L-I-A-R.

Even the nicest, purest guys notice.

Guys may be dumb, but they're observant.

They have radar when it comes to girl underwear and the things it's supposed to cover.  They see every bra strap, notice the underwear hanging out of your pants, and look down your loose top when you bend over in front of them. When you're not wearing a slip under your skirt or dress and step between them and the sunlight, guys see it, and if you sit in a short skirt in a non-careful, non-lady like way, then even the blindest of them could pick out wall paint to match your panties.

And in those moments they are not thinking "she seems like a very intelligent person".

Get a clue.

(For the record, I'm appalled at how many older women who should no better, even in sacrament meeting, have no concept of the value and importance of modesty.)

Yeah, sometimes a hug is just a hug, but not when a teen boy is hugging a teen girl.

As for this guy you're infatuated with, move on.

Even if you could ignore all the other stuff, you can't let go of the fact that he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings. THAT'S a recipe for disaster. You have more value than you're giving yourself credit for.

The only way you'll ever be able to change his opinion is if you hold fast to what's right; stand for your standards. You need to have his respect (which you don't now, sorry, but it's true) before you'll ever be able to talk to him about your faith.

And, as a related side note, you need to know that while in the case of this boy it's just a crush, no man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect. Sure he may "like" her, or be attracted to her, but love is different.

File those last two sentences away, will ya? And remember them when you're just a bit older.

It's OK to like a guy, to have a crush, to experience all those things you're feeling.

But it's not OK to change yourself or compromise your standards.

Try to upgrade from "boy crazy" to "boy appreciative"; the first one implies that you're out of control, the second shows a level of sophistication and maturity.

- Bro Jo