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Monday, July 9, 2012

Heartbroken at BYU (Dateless at BYU - Part 2)

[Readers - Do you remember the letter from "Dateless at BYU" that I published last March 19th? Well . . . this is the letter she sent me 8 months later. She went from no dates to meeting lots of guys to dating to a boyfriend.  I think the title above gives away how that turned out.  - Bro Jo]




Dear Bro Jo,

My boyfriend and I recently broke up.

I understand why it didn't work out and I have learned a lot from the experience.

I have learned more about what I want and need in a relationship, and more about myself by being with someone.

We only dated for a month, but were pretty serious. The night before he had talked about how he could see our relationship going somewhere and maybe even marriage, but neither of us were ready to think about that. He kind of freaked himself out and felt we were going too fast and broke it off the next night at the temple.

This really has been hard for me because the one place I need to go for help and comfort will now always remind me of him and that night. I understand that it wasn't meant to be and I deserve someone who will be able to give me what I need in a relationship, but it’s still so hard.

He is in my YSA ward, so I see him all the time and last night we talked for the first time after the break up. It was so hard for me to see him and talk to him after he broke my heart.

Everyone keeps saying it'll get better with time and I'll be okay, but right now I just don't see that happening. I have lost my appetite and I know it is really unhealthy for me, but I just don't seem to care anymore.

It is hard for me to focus on my classes and work and want to do anything. He was the one person here I could talk to and tell everything to. I have lost touch with friends back home and don't have any really close friends here. I don't know what to do. I know that it will get better and I'll be okay, I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

I hate being so upset and depressed all the time and I know my friends are worried about me. Do you have any advice? He was such an amazing guy, it has been really hard for me to lose him and constantly be reminded of that every time I see him.

Please help,

Heartbroken




Dear Heartbroken,

I waited to answer your email because the truth is that time does heal. It's been almost two weeks . . . how's it going?

- Bro Jo



Bro Jo,

I am doing pretty good.

Some days are still pretty rough, but we've talked a few times and I've been okay.

Time definitely does heal.

I am not completely better by any means, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Healing



Dear Healing,

Hang in there. It gets better. And some time you'll find someone new . . . and that will help a lot.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much for your help. It has gotten a lot better. I can see him and talk to him with no problem and am interested in some other guys. Things are definitely a lot better.

- Healing



[Readers - Well? What do you think? A week from today I'll publish part 3.  - Bro Jo ]

5 comments:

Purely Poppins said...

Dear Heartbroken..... Oh girl I am so sorry! Unfortunately this is a part of dating. The rather sucky part but still necessary. I have been there too many times to count. It does suck. Heartbreak is one of the hardest wounds to heal. Especially because you have to do the healing yourself. Yes your friends and family are here for you, always, but this is inside of you, and I know it may sound cliche but it's a choice to be happy. You can't just sit around and wait for the next frog to see if he's the prince. You have to be proactive and keep going. The best way to do that is to lose yourself in service. The blessings that you receive from doing service are unimaginable. and if you're at BYU then I know there are a million opportunities to do service. I am not trying to minimize the pain you are in. I know how absolutely horrible you feel. But the only way it will get better is with the love of the Lord and service to your fellow man.

BTW: in my experience, guys move on a lot faster and are usually willing to be friends again if the relationship ended well. Take that opportunity. If he really means that much to you than keep him in your life. Every relationship has to start somewhere. I know it may be hard but it's the best way to heal, in my opinion.

Cheer up :)

Laura said...

So sorry for the heartbreak. Breaking up is no fun.

But lighten up on yourself. Cut the drama. Easier said than done, of course, but seriously, cut it out.
The temple will not always have to be "the place he dumped me". It is the House of the Lord, and looking at it in this negative way is Satan's way of bringing you down and distracting you from the blessings of the temple.

It was one month. It didn't work. But you know what, some day, everything will work out. Don't let the downs of today distract you from the blessings of tomorrow.

Don't seek pity/sulk/get yourself stuck in a rut. That is a huge danger that girls too often do once they break up with someone. Get out there and start proving yourself. Improve yourself. Prove to yourself that you can be better, and are worth somebody's eternity. It takes work, and it takes steps. It sounds like you might be taking them already.. eager to see Part 3.

Take it slow. I know a ton of people at BYU and BYU-I do the super fast courtships and engagements, but just because everybody does it does NOT mean it is a good idea for everybody.

A friend once told me this analogy:
There are three general kinds of relationships: Microwave, Toaster Oven, and Crock Pot.
Microwave relationships are quick, get hot real fast, and sometimes they end with a pretty good meal, sometimes they end with a mess.

Toaster Ovens are not as fast as microwaves, but are still pretty speedy. They do make a better meal, though. Less chance of a mess.

Crock pot relationships take their sweet time. The relationship slowly comes to a simmer, and when it is ready, you have a rich, hearty, warm, delicious meal.


Best of luck to you.

Purely Poppins said...

Laura! That is amazing!!! haha I love that analogy :) I will be using that one for sure :)

Christopher Cunningham said...

But gourmet steak is cooked on a pan in about fifteen minutes. Just saying.

Laura said...

And that would be a specific exception. Note those relationship analogies are "general". :)