What I am about to share with you is kind of complicated.
When I was in my early teens, I was introduced to masturbation by some very immature friends.
I started indulge in masturbating and viewing pornographic material.
It soon became a vicious habit.
My struggle was more with masturbation than pornography. Pornography was more something I used to make it more exciting.
I viewed pornography (almost never hard-core pornography) because I masturbated, I didn't masturbate because of a pornographic addiction.
I had this problem for years.
The problem is that I was never taught about this sin (of masturbating) and I justified my pornography problem my telling myself it was "not really pornography".
I never had a "father to son" talk and the subject was not really mentioned at Church, though deep inside I knew it was wrong.
But I thought only sexual intercourse needed to be confessed to the Bishop (or at least I tried to think it that way).
I thought I could just resolve the problem myself.
I then decided to go on a mission.
My Stake President asked me if I had masturbation or pornography problems.
I foolishly said I didn't (once again I justified that I would stop to do it by the time I left for the mission).
I got to the MTC and was successful at forsaking those evil practices for about 1 month when I gave in while in the mission field (not to pornography but masturbating).
I did it a few times and felt so so so guilty (I could barely eat) that I confessed to my Mission President.
However I was so scared of being sent home that I lied.
I said I had stopped the practice a year before my mission and that I had one it only once on the field.
He asked me if I had used pornography and I said no.
He said it was not a sin a missionary got sent home for but it needed to be cleared up.
But obviously I had to see him again to fully confess.
I finally told him that I had actually used pornography along with masturbating. I had actually indulged many times the year preceding my mission and that I had stopped only for a month at the beginning of my mission.
He asked me if I had stopped a month before my mission.
I said no, but I was not exactly sure when was the last time I did it before leaving (it was not exactly true, I knew I had done it a few days before entering the MTC).
He finally asked me if it was a habit (I think he meant asking me if masturbating was a habit when I left on my mission) and replied that yes it was.
Since I had not given in and had been clean for 5 months, he told me to forgive myself and move forward.
He gave me a blessing telling me I was forgiven for my sins.
It was hard for me to believe that my sins had been forgiven.
I went back to see my Mission President many times throughout my mission.
Every time he told me to stop thinking about it and forgive myself. That I was worthy and a great missionary (it is true I had a great mission. I was a hard-working and obedient missionary).
Though my mission went great, I always had these issued on the back of my mind.
I was not tempted to fall again but I had a hard time believing my confession was complete and that I was forgiven, though my Mission President kept on saying that I had not what I needed to do and was forgiven.
I regularly felt guilty for nothing.
When I had a "wet" dream, I felt horribly guilty!
My last night on my mission, I met with my new Mission President (who didn't know a thing about my past transgressions).
I shared with him my problems, that I had left on my mission with a masturbation and pornography problem, that I had masturbated a few times on my mission but that I had confessed to the previous Mission President and forsaken.
I told him that I had a hard time forgiving myself and that I never felt that I had done enough in my repentance process.
I told me he had received a spiritual witness that I was forgiven and should move forward.
I returned home with honor. I still don't have any problem with those past sins.
When I encounter pornography or even just suggestive images on the web, I naturally and automatically look away and go on an other website.
My problem is that I am always afraid that my confession was not complete enough, that because I still feel guilt, I probably was not 100% honest in my confession. Though I told him everything important that needed to be said, it is true that I was not completely honest about very minor things ( for example when I told him that I didn't know exactly when the last time was I had masturbated before my mission though I knew it was a few days before).
And I now feel silly going back to see my Bishop when my mission president said he had received a spiritual witness that I was worthy.
Should I just forget about it and trust my Mission President?
Or go again to see my Bishop anyway?
I am really trying sincerely to do what the Lord expects of me but I am often confused about what I should do.
And I am now engaged to a great LDS girl.
Should I tell her about my past transgressions before we get married?
Thank you for reading this long email,
- Name Withheld
But I do think there's value in sitting down (perhaps in more than one sitting) and going through that list of stuff. (If you read it closely, the items that come closest to what your challenges have been have more to do with repentance of sin than the details of the transgressions.)
You're going to be okay, my brother.
Trust in Christ.
And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!