Why Isn't She Getting Asked Out?

Dear Bro. Jo,

I am having trouble with the whole dating scene. I want to date, and there have been plenty of guys that I would love to go out with at college, but no one has asked me out.

Ever.

I’ve been on one date, and I asked him. I was 21.

It’s a year later.

My self-esteem is, shall we say, not that great at this point in my life.

I read your How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out post, thought it was awesome, but here’s my problem: I have really bad social anxiety, plus Asperger’s, which makes me socially awkward as well.

Quick background, I was usually the shy, quiet girl that nobody noticed, from primary through Young Women (and still am, but have been improving). Always forgotten, always left out.

One of my greatest highlights at college was when one of my roommates made an effort to let me know our FHE plans by leaving me a note. I was used to missing out or coming late because I was left out of the loop.

I actually cried, because I was so happy to be remembered and acknowledged.

Now my biggest issue is being ignored as a potential date.

While I feel that most of my interests would make me a good date, nobody seems to notice me in that light.

I tried to be a little more vocal around my FHE brothers last semester, and we got along, but I could not figure out what to do about dating!

I’ve been told that I’m pretty from friends (and at least one was a guy), and I’ve been feeling more confident with my appearance (I rarely felt pretty as a teen).

I’m told I have a great spirit.

People think I’m funny.

So what’s it gonna take?!

One guy in seminary seemed to be attracted to me, but he was what I considered to be the class creeper.

I’ve been tempted to ask the guys in my FHE group what’s wrong with me that seems to deter boys, but I always backed out (anxiety).

I’ve thought about asking my roommates, but same issue.

Do you think I should ask someone who knows me from school?

Should I ask the guys if there is something(s) I do/say that sends the message ‘ABORT MISSION!?

I don’t even know if it’s an appropriate question, or something that would put someone on an overly uncomfortable spot.

I’ve been thinking lately of either asking a roommate to suggest to the guys that asking me out wouldn’t be a bad idea, or posting on Facebook, “Well, my HW’s done, and my weekend is free. Who wants to ask me out?” this upcoming semester.

But the more I think of doing it, the more panicked I feel about the idea, and the more I second guess if they’re smart moves. I’m scared.

I can’t help but feel that if guys aren’t asking me out at this point in my life, when will they?

Am I always going to be alone?

Am I the outcast who just thinks she fits in?

Am I always going to be the invisible girl who’s good for a laugh, then easily forgotten?

Is this something I should talk to a counselor or my bishop about?

Is there anyone else that could help? 

Thanks for listening.

Alone in the dark




Dear Alone,

First of all, NO, don't post the "who wants to take me out" thing on Facebook.

It screams "desperate", and even if you feel desperate, you should never advertise it.

Social Anxiety is real . . . and very difficult to overcome for some folks.

You may want to talk to you Bishop, and perhaps see if he has a counselor he can recommend. (School may have some resources, too.)

Sure, there's value in jumping into the water, so to speak; it can help you build confidence and help you realize that much of what you're afraid of isn't as scary as you feel.

You could make it easier by using one of those "you should ask me out on a date" lines on someone you're not head over heels in love with, who maybe also has some social challenges, so there's less pressure. (Perhaps I've been watching too much sports lately, but there's value in "dating scrimmages", kind of like a "warm up" game.)

But I also think your idea of asking your FHE brothers "Okay, fellas, what's the deal? I'm 22 and no one has ever asked me out, not even one of you clowns (a little humor may help them and you feel more comfortable); what is it about me? What do I need to do different?"

I believe that Information comes before Inspiration, so having some data here may be very helpful. 

They're not going to tell you anything worse than you already tell yourself, and it's likely they'll be very helpful . . . you may even get a date or a setup out of it.

To that end, YES! I absolutely think you and your roommates should be setting each other up on dates.

I call it "The Setup Game", and I have no idea why more of you Single Sisters aren't playing it.

One last thing, little sister: I know it can be lonely, but if no guy out there is smart enough to ask you on a date, that doesn't diminish your beauty, talent or value. It just means you need to surround yourself with smarter, more appreciative guys.

- Bro Jo