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Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Why Isn't She Getting Asked Out?

Dear Bro. Jo,

I am having trouble with the whole dating scene. I want to date, and there have been plenty of guys that I would love to go out with at college, but no one has asked me out.


I’ve been on one date, and I asked him. I was 21.

It’s a year later.

My self-esteem is, shall we say, not that great at this point in my life.

I read your How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out post, thought it was awesome, but here’s my problem: I have really bad social anxiety, plus Asperger’s, which makes me socially awkward as well.

Quick background, I was usually the shy, quiet girl that nobody noticed, from primary through Young Women (and still am, but have been improving). Always forgotten, always left out.

One of my greatest highlights at college was when one of my roommates made an effort to let me know our FHE plans by leaving me a note. I was used to missing out or coming late because I was left out of the loop.

I actually cried, because I was so happy to be remembered and acknowledged.

Now my biggest issue is being ignored as a potential date.

While I feel that most of my interests would make me a good date, nobody seems to notice me in that light.

I tried to be a little more vocal around my FHE brothers last semester, and we got along, but I could not figure out what to do about dating!

I’ve been told that I’m pretty from friends (and at least one was a guy), and I’ve been feeling more confident with my appearance (I rarely felt pretty as a teen).

I’m told I have a great spirit.

People think I’m funny.

So what’s it gonna take?!

One guy in seminary seemed to be attracted to me, but he was what I considered to be the class creeper.

I’ve been tempted to ask the guys in my FHE group what’s wrong with me that seems to deter boys, but I always backed out (anxiety).

I’ve thought about asking my roommates, but same issue.

Do you think I should ask someone who knows me from school?

Should I ask the guys if there is something(s) I do/say that sends the message ‘ABORT MISSION!?

I don’t even know if it’s an appropriate question, or something that would put someone on an overly uncomfortable spot.

I’ve been thinking lately of either asking a roommate to suggest to the guys that asking me out wouldn’t be a bad idea, or posting on Facebook, “Well, my HW’s done, and my weekend is free. Who wants to ask me out?” this upcoming semester.

But the more I think of doing it, the more panicked I feel about the idea, and the more I second guess if they’re smart moves. I’m scared.

I can’t help but feel that if guys aren’t asking me out at this point in my life, when will they?

Am I always going to be alone?

Am I the outcast who just thinks she fits in?

Am I always going to be the invisible girl who’s good for a laugh, then easily forgotten?

Is this something I should talk to a counselor or my bishop about?

Is there anyone else that could help? 

Thanks for listening.

Alone in the dark

Dear Alone,

First of all, NO, don't post the "who wants to take me out" thing on Facebook.

It screams "desperate", and even if you feel desperate, you should never advertise it.

Social Anxiety is real . . . and very difficult to overcome for some folks.

You may want to talk to you Bishop, and perhaps see if he has a counselor he can recommend. (School may have some resources, too.)

Sure, there's value in jumping into the water, so to speak; it can help you build confidence and help you realize that much of what you're afraid of isn't as scary as you feel.

You could make it easier by using one of those "you should ask me out on a date" lines on someone you're not head over heels in love with, who maybe also has some social challenges, so there's less pressure. (Perhaps I've been watching too much sports lately, but there's value in "dating scrimmages", kind of like a "warm up" game.)

But I also think your idea of asking your FHE brothers "Okay, fellas, what's the deal? I'm 22 and no one has ever asked me out, not even one of you clowns (a little humor may help them and you feel more comfortable); what is it about me? What do I need to do different?"

I believe that Information comes before Inspiration, so having some data here may be very helpful. 

They're not going to tell you anything worse than you already tell yourself, and it's likely they'll be very helpful . . . you may even get a date or a setup out of it.

To that end, YES! I absolutely think you and your roommates should be setting each other up on dates.

I call it "The Setup Game", and I have no idea why more of you Single Sisters aren't playing it.

One last thing, little sister: I know it can be lonely, but if no guy out there is smart enough to ask you on a date, that doesn't diminish your beauty, talent or value. It just means you need to surround yourself with smarter, more appreciative guys.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wish there were pictures available of girls that write these "I don't get asked out" posts....If they're cute like they suggest they are and in Utah then I'll totally line them all up and ask them out a few a week! A pic also helps see what guys see when they see her, considering us guys are more visually oriented. Then again I can see the potential embarrassment of having a personal picture next to a post about this.

Girl that posted this, if you're interested, want to get in touch and figure something out? I don't know what you look like so I can't promise a date, just being honest, though if I think you're cute then I will ask you out and you can then accept/decline depending on whether or not you think I'm cute. The possibilities I offer are either a date or a friend that can give you his point of view on things and potential suggestions you can take to get a date with someone else. I may even be able to set you up with a friend.

Anonymous said...

Wow^^ I like this comment! I'm in Utah and I definitely could have written this post. Good job Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

I'm the guy who wrote the first response. Thanks for complimenting my response haha. Since you live in Utah and all, would you like to have the offer as well?

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting. Is either one of you girls going to accept? Neither one of you seems to be getting asked out much, so here's a chance right in front of you.

Bro Jo said...


DO NOT go out with a guy who goads you into accepting his anonymous invitation, particularly one who says that you'll only get a date with him if he finds you to be "cute enough".

You are all, everyone one of you, worth more than this lame attempt.

The boy needs to get out there and meet women in person.


- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Bro Jo,

I think you're "creating a creeper" out of nothing. I told the girls that I'm willing to get in touch. I definitely plan to show them what I look like and all before a possible date. I don't see a problem with offering an opportunity of a date to girls that don't get asked out. It's hard to tell in person which girls get asked out and who don't. Many girls that don't get asked out are never around in public, so there's not much of a chance to reach out to them. This is me going outside the box to find girls to date who may not be getting asked out much.

And as far as them only getting a date if I'm attracted to them, do remember that I told them I expect the same from them: If they don't think I'm cute, then they don't have to go out with me. There has to be attraction to an extent. I don't want to go on a date with a girl I'm not attracted to. Girls don't want to go on dates with guys they're not attracted to either. While some girls slide through the cracks, many girls don't get asked out because guys don't think they're as cute as other girls that may be available; hence why a few girls get lots of dates while lots of other girls get few. We make an effort to not hurt girls' feelings, but it's the truth. Same applies to girls asking guys out on dates. If a girl asks a guy on a date, goes on a date with him, and then doesn't get asked out a second time, it's not because she asked him's because he didn't find her attractive, and if she hadn't asked him out he simply wouldn't have asked her out at all to begin with. Those are hard truths, but they exist.

There's an elephant in the room with this topic in the church: Girls are encouraged to be selective, yet guys are guilt-accused for it and they're expected to ask everyone out. If a girl refuses to go on dates with a guy, the guy is told to move on and no one questions the girl's reasoning even if it IS because she doesn't think he's cute. If a guy refuses to ask a girl out, people criticize him for it. In dating and dating advice, we always remind women of their divine worth, but we never remind guys of theirs. If a girl isn't attracted to me, she can say something about how "she just didn't think it would work out" and everyone supports her. If I'm not attracted to a girl and I say that, I would be getting an earful.

Bro Jo said...

Dear Anon,

Of course you think I’m wrong. You’re the creeper.

You’re missing the point.

Take a step back, detach yourself from this situation, and look at what’s going on.

You’re an Anonymous commentor offering yourself up for a possible blind date to a girl who wrote an email to an on-line dating advice blog two years ago, and to an another anonymous commentor who, frankly, we don’t even know is a girl.

You think you’re coming off as a nice guy willing to help girls out, but you’re not. At best you’re coming off desperate and, yes, creepy.
You may indeed be a nice guy that’s just lacking in social skills, but the more you push the issue the less nice you come across.

Think this through: just exactly how do you expect this to go down?

Is she supposed to leave her name and number here in the comments?

Are you hoping that the two of you can arrange some kind of anonymous meet-cute at the Creamery?

As for your “elephant in the room” theory . . . I submit that you’re too close to the forest.

I understand that your perspective is limited to your experience and side of the argument, but everything you think is lopsided against guys is something girls feel, too. And everything you think girls have as an advantage, guys have too.

Here’s the REAL elephant in the room: Many of Y’all are holding out for someone that’s way out of your league, some mythical unobtainable creature that meets some list you think you have to match, always holding out or holding back because you think Something or Someone better will come along, all the while missing many great and wonderful people that are all around you.

You wander around, hoping to find “the one”, not realizing that there is no such thing as just one person out there for you, that there are likely several people in your life with whom you’d make a great Eternal Marriage and Family.

You need not be as desperate as you feel.

I understand those feelings, but if you would just set them aside . . . along with your pride . . .

Yes, you are correct that lots of people your age are being told they’re cute and wonderful and someone everyone should want, when the truth is that they’re out of shape, unkempt, unfocused, and unsocial, with no goals and a bad attitude.

They complain about everyone else instead of looking in the mirror, giving an honest evaluation, and focusing on self-improvement.

Guys and girls.

But you know what?

While all of us should be striving for improvement (Spiritual, Physical, Economic, Knowledge, Service) none of us is without the opportunity for love.

So, yes; your desperate and ill-advised attempts to goad one someone into a blind date with an anonymous commentor on a blog page come off as creepy and not heroic.

The world, and the Church, are not against you.

All of y’all are in this together.

Go get some dates. Just do a better job than what you’ve attempted here.

No more hitting on my readers here. (Although, I must confess that more than one couple has grown out of people meeting at firesides or striking up chats through our Facebook page. Of course, neither of those are . . . Anonymous. Get it?)


- Bro Jo