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Friday, November 20, 2015

Lots of Guy Friends . . . but No Dates!

Dear Bro Jo,

I found your blog tonight when someone posted a link to it on Facebook.

I found it interesting and informative, but wanted to ask a few questions since most of your advice is geared to teens.

I'm a Junior at BYUI.

I've had one boyfriend and lots of friends that are boys.  I enjoy doing things more with them than with most of the girls I know.

I have lots of guy friends, but I rarely go on dates.

What can I do to change that?

I'm fun and outgoing, but I have a hard time pushing for dates or flirting.

Several of my guy friends have asked me about if I'm dating anyone or going on dates and when I tell them I'm not they get confused and I get even more confused.

I want to go on dates, and I want to get to know they guys in a more serious way.

Well . . .  especially one guy I met at the beginning of the semester.

We are both involved in an activities organization on campus together and have done a lot of the volunteer activities together . . .

We're good friends, talk easily, have fun together, similar interests, etc . . .

We are both single, and have had lots of opportunities to go on dates, but we never do . . .

But whenever we are together we talk for hours (think 2-3 at a time during the week and if it's a Saturday activity 4-6).

I want to know if this friendship is going to go anywhere beyond friendship, but I don't want to hurt it by pushing it to be something more than a friendship.

Would it be weird to ask him on a date?

I don't want to come across as desperate, because I'm not desperate, but a lot of girls here are like that right now.

I'm also scared that I'll get hurt.

The last guy I dated dumped me pretty hard in May and I don't want the heartbreak again so soon. 

How can I tell if I'm just a friend, or if it could go somewhere?

How can I go on more dates with the guys who are friends with me?

- Confused and Getting Mixed Messages

Dear Confused, 

There's an awful lot of stuff at Dear Bro Jo geared to YSAs. 

If you click on the tags on the side, like the one that says "Serious Single Dating" you can filter to all of the posts with that in common. 

I'm going to be very candid with you, Little Sister, because I care: you need to stop dragging your feet and stop being the "pal" and start being the girl that guys go out with. 

(I'd also like you to click on the tag that says "Guys and Girls as Just Close Friends"; there are some truths about the whole "guy friends" thing that you need to learn. Oh! And click on "Hanging Out" as well!) 

The hanging out and "being friends" thing you're doing, the not acting on the hints when dropped, are roadblocks that you're putting up, and they need to be torn down. 

While it may not be weird to ask this guy you're favoring on a date, it would be the wrong move. 

Instead, and this may sound semantic, but you need to tell him that HE needs to ask YOU out. 

That subtle difference can make all the difference in the world. 

Want to know if you're just a friend or if there's something more there? 

Then you have to communicate. 

That's not desperate; it's telling these guys that you know you have value (which of course you do!) and they need to know that, too. 

You may get hurt, but like any other muscles the heart gets stronger when it gets torn down and then heals. 

Really no different than lifting weights or any other work out.

The only races we truly lose are those we never run.

So the next time you see this guy say to him everything you've said to me. "Hey, we're both single and we seem to really get along, how come we've never gone on a date?"

If he's not smart enough to ask you out, then move on.

- Bro Jo 

PS: When a guy asks you if you’re dating anyone your response should be "Why? Are you asking?"

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