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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Is This THE Guy She Should Marry?

Dear Bro Jo,

This time last year, I was so excited to enter the realm of YSA and start dating, but I still saw marriage in the very far future.

Or at least a couple of years down the road.

Well that certainly has changed!

Four months ago I started dating this guy. He got home off his mission last October. We met a couple weeks after that.

My ward car-pools to where we have Institute about 30 minutes away, and he was in the car one day.

At the time, me and another guy in my ward were talking so I didn't think too much of it.

That didn't work out, and around the end of January, he asked me on a date.

After our first date, about the next week he told me he wanted a more one on one relationship.

I immediately was like woahhh! I have only been on one date with this guy!

He initially can be a shy person, and that generally is not the kind of personality I'm attracted to.

I like really talkative people.

I just told him I wanted to get to know him more first.

So we saw each other more...a lot more.

About 2 weeks later it came back up again about us dating exclusively.

I only went on Casual Dates in high school, so this would be my first relationship. I was scared!

He was willing to wait as long as I needed.

Two or so weeks later, I had spring break so I came home.

He came down that weekend and met my family for the first time, and we then decided to start dating exclusively.

We didn't see each other at all the first week we were dating since I was on spring break at home, and he was back up where I attend school.

After about 2 and a half weeks of dating he tells me that he loves me!

A couple days later he told me that he knew he wanted to marry me!

I asked him if he prayed about it and he said yes and he knew that it was right.

So I am most definitely freaking out at this point!

I knew that I liked him a lot, but this was my first relationship and after 2 weeks he knows he wants to marry me?!

Yeah...crazy.

So fast forward to almost 4 months later, and we're still dating!

I'm at home for the summer, and he's been coming to visit about once a week.

A few weeks ago, I told him that we were going to get married.


Not long after this, I started having all kinds of doubts , , ,

Am I ready for marriage?

Can I really be happy with him forever?

Are our personalities really that compatible?

Do I really truly care about him?

Can I put his needs before my own?


And I've told him that I am second guessing myself, but he is still so confident that we are going to get married. I don't know how to discern between doubts that are actually doubts telling me this isn't right, or just doubts that everyone has.

I've gotten all kinds of advice from different people, and everyone's circumstance is different.

I know that ultimately whether or not I'm happy in marriage is my decision, but I still want to make the best decision!

Any thoughts?

Sincerely,

- Overwhelmedddddd!




Dear Overwhelmed,

Do you love him?

Do you WANT to marry him?

Are you willing to put his needs before your own, and can you trust that he'll do that for you?

When you disagree, are you comfortable with how you resolve your disagreements?

And, perhaps most importantly (IMHO) can you imagine life (and eternity) without him?


I think those are the questions you need to ask yourself first.

You may also want to go through "Bro Jo's Five A's of Why Not to Marry THAT Person" (also HERE) and "Things You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged" (also HERE).


Everyone has doubts.

That can be a good thing . . . if you seek Spiritual Guidance and Answers.


It's a bad thing if you allow your doubts to rule your life.   (Remember that Fear, Doubt, and things that scare us away from Temple Blessings all come from the Adversary.)


Marriage is a big enough deal that I don't think you should do it if you're uncertain; and I don't think you should get married out of fear (I'll let you ponder what that means); but you'll have to face the this: if you're not going to marry him, you need to tell him so he can go find someone else.

If you're comfortable with that idea (and please be very careful before you say that you are - you may not get a second shot at this guy) then you have to let him go.


If you can't bear the thought of eternity without him . . . tell Satan to get behind you! . . . and get married.

- Bro Jo

Dear Overwhelmed,

I talked your situation over with Sister Jo, and I think she put this better than I did.


What she says is this:

Do you love spending time with him?

Is he your best friend?

And, most importantly, are you willing to make it work?


Marriage, she says, is about work.


If you love each other enough that you're willing to work at your marriage, then it would be (her words) "stupid NOT to get married".


She says "marriage is about making it work, not about being in love or attracted to each other all the time every day forever".

So there you go.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I think part of my problem is that I have always had an idea of how I wanted everything in my life to pan out, and getting engaged at 19 wasn't one of those things.

I think I'm having trouble with letting go of independence and committing 100% to the relationship.


I feel like I may be looking for excuses, because I don't think I truly have a legitimate reason to NOT want to marry him.

At least no red flags. I do love spending time with him, but I also feel like he misses me more than I miss him when we're away from each other.

I feel like he cares more about me than I do about him . . . and that kind of scares me...

It makes me question whether or not I love him enough.


I think since I knew so quickly in the relationship that he knew he wanted to marry me, then I also just focused on figuring that out and not just enjoying the relationship.

I have friends in the Church left and right who are getting engaged...and yeah the idea of getting married sounds great, but I also know that marriage is a big deal.


And I know I'm also thinking about some things the wrong way...there is no ONE and ONLY right person for me.

I know that, but then I still think what if someone else would make me happier?

And I know that if I did decide to let him go, we both would eventually find other people.

But I don't know if that is a legitimate concern or feeling or just some annoying nag that is holding me back.

I just feel like other couples who decide to get married are so sure and ready to get married as soon as possible.

Of course, I can only see what's on the surface, but I want to feel sure and know that I love him enough, that no matter what I'll make it work.

- Overwhelmed




Dear Overwhelmed,

I don't necessarily see your "reasons" as issues .... him missing you more, being scared (meaning nervous, not fearful), him being certain already ... all of that strikes me as actually being positive things when seen in the right light.

But your statement about thinking you might find some as yet unknown person out there that may make you happier ... yeah ... to be candid (no surprise, right?), that strikes me as a concern.

Maybe it means you're just nervous.

Maybe it means you're not ready.

Maybe it means you like the idea of him, or the idea of getting married, more than you like the actual guy.

You know you best.

I think you need to do some prayerful introspection and be honest with yourself.

Now.

What I will tell you is that if someone wrote me and said "I'm in love with this person and I want to marry them, but they want to wait and see if "someone better" comes along ... (is that how you really feel?) ... then I'd tell them to get out of that relationship ... FAST.  And don't bother looking back unless they come and apologize for being dumb and sincerely beg you to take them back.

And even then it's an "only one more chance" situation.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I've worked it out!

I pretty much told him I needed some time for two days and we didn't talk in that time.

So I prayed a lot, read some talks from general authorities, got some advice, and did some thinking...
I love him, and I know he understands that I am a Daughter of God and will always treat me as such.

We're both worthy members who are striving to become better each day.

We want to be married in the temple.

We're both far from perfect, but we're able to encourage each other to live the gospel.

So why wouldn't it work?

It will work!

And I know that.

Maybe there is someone who could make me happier, but I shouldn't let go when the person I have now is already striving to make me happy each and every day and does a pretty great job. I still have some things to work out, like when in the world should we get married!

But answers are coming with time.

- Ready Now




Dear Ready,

Wonderful!

And . . . congratulations!

- Bro Jo

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