Juliet in a Jam

Dear Bro Jo,

I would like to thank you for the opportunity to write to you! You must get so much feedback and so many questions so I really appreciate your time...

My boyfriend (lets call him Romeo) and I have been dating for a little over two years and they have been filled with happiness! We began casually dating a few months after I turned 16, our relationship slowly evolved and we became best friends before we then decided to begin dating exclusively.

We are both currently going to college; he is 20 and I will be 19 shortly. We have been talking about the possibility of marriage for a while now and I have prayed about it earnestly. I have a really peaceful feeling when I envision our lives together and after watching the way Romeo interacts with his family over the years, I know that he will treat me in a similarly respectful and loving way.

My parents relationship couldn't be more different. There is no respect or love between them and sometimes I feel like I have missed out and that I am disadvantaged. The church doesn't play a big role in my home. Normally I go to church on Sundays alone. When the subject of marriage has come up in conversations with my mom she has always been adamant that I finish my undergraduate degree before I get married. (Ideally, she doesn't want me to get married until I am 25.) I can understand her hesitation after her experiences with my father, but should I completely disregard my own ideals about my future because of this?

Romeo also won't be going on a mission, which really troubled me for awhile. However, I have prayed about it (and so has he) and I have felt more comfortable with this decision. He is not a US citizen and is in the process of gaining permanent residence here in the US. Going on a mission (especially if outside of the country) will really hurt him in regard to his visa. We have both agreed that we would like to serve a mission together as adults and we have put it on our "to-do" list!

I don't want to hurt my mom, but I am an adult now and as such, I want to approach this situation in a mature and respectful way. I value my mom's ideas and I know that she only wants the best for me in the long run, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing for me.

Another opinion would be great! Thank you so much!

Juliet in a Jam :(


Dear Juliet -

The visa complication may be one of the few situations where I agree that a mission may not be a good idea . . . except that Romeo could leave from his home country, or take the risk, AND . . . I'm having trouble understanding how a 20 year-old man could be living in a country for 2+ years (I'm guessing much longer) WITHOUT a visa (unless he's got some kind of educational visa now, and your marriage would certainly shore up the permanent residency issue . . .) but all of that could vary greatly depending on where he's from and where you both live now.

So let me ask: are you two talking Temple Marriage? Is that an option?

I'm not clear on whether or not your parents are still married, but regardless, if they're not . . . "able" at this time to attend a Temple Sealing, that could be a big part of where their opinions are coming from . . .

Look, it's never my intention to steer a reader away from the opinions of their parents. The exceptions only happen when the reader is trying to follow the commandments and a parent (or two . . . or three . . .) is objecting to that course of action.

IMHO a mission for an LDS young man is Highly Recommended.

But it's not always the right path for everyone.

I'd like to have you fill in some of the missing pieces, but my gut reaction is that if a) the mission is a non-option, b) you're both ready and worthy for an Eternal Marriage, and c) you both speak to your Bishop and discuss your concerns and plans and he's on board . . .

Then I'm going to side with God and the Prophets on this one and say that you should not put off a marriage and family for worldly reasons. Read the Proclamation on the Family and make sure you and your intended are prepared to meet your Spiritual and Temporal Obligations. Do your best to continue and complete your education (and recognize that is difficult but not un-doable once you begin having the children that should not be put off). You may also want to read "Bro Jo's 5 A's of Why Not to Marry" and give your guy (and yourself) an honest assessment. You may also want to watch at least the first 15 minutes of "Up" (see "Bro Jo's List of Best Dating Movies") for a great example about how our "to do lists" often work out.

Lastly, out of respect for your mom, when the two of you actually Do Decide to get married (notice that you're not exactly there . . . yet) talk to her, listen respectfully to her concerns, and tell her that you love her. Ultimately, Juliet, that's what she needs to hear. Spouses come before parents, but no matter how unreasonable, unrealistic, or unfair a parent may be they still deserved to be honored and loved. (Although, while it doesn't seem to apply here, let me publicly state my opinion that an Abusive Parent deserves none of the above, so long as the abuse is real.)

Jam on, Juliet.

- Bro Jo