Dear Bro Jo,
Here I am, again (for a third time...). Thanks for all your past advice. It’s helped me a bunch, so I've come back for more.
Its been a few months, so I'll remind you of some small details...I'm seventeen, I'm a girl, I'm LDS (born and raised) and I've got a nonmember friend that has proved to me just why men and women can't be "just friends". I wrote and asked some questions about my relationship with this guy...turns out I have some more questions.
Things are going well, I guess. This guy knows that I want to keep things casual. He's respectful of that and I don't believe he'd ever ask me to change that. He's one of my best friends and he treats me as well as any girl would want to be treated...I don't have any complaints about his behavior. HowEVER, he hasn't tried to keep it secret that he wants to be my boyfriend. He's not annoying or overaggressive or anything like that, but I know he'd jump at the chance if I ever told him I wanted to be exclusive. And I know he'd kiss me if I let him.
His parents love me; they'd be thrilled if we were together. That sounds a little overconfident of me, but believe you me, it's the truth.
So where do I stand in all of this? Well..I'd love to be his girlfriend. We talk ALL the time, and he's promised to take me out sometime (he lives out of state, or else we would have already gone). But I know I should casually date and not let things get too serious...so...that's what I've been doing.
The question is...how do I help him understand why I can't be his girlfriend right now? And should we see each other, should I let him kiss me and hold my hand? And if I do that, how do I explain to him that it can't mean commitment? And how do I go about saying, "Hey, I like you a lot, but I'm gonna let this other guy take me out next Friday"?
I really like this guy. I've always felt that we just clicked...it's been so easy to be friends, and so easy to be more than that. I understand that casual dating is important, but its hard to know the boundaries sometimes. This guy isn't just going to disappear, and I'm not just going to stop being interested in him. Help?
Thanks ya,
(name withheld)
Dear NW,
You're killing me, Smalls.
Let me try a different tack here . . .
Does this boy go to Church with you and your family?
And, while we're at it . . . what's YOUR reason for Casual Group Dating? Why DO you go out with a different guy instead of declaring this guy your Boyfriend and doing a little smooching and hand holding ('cause we both know that on some level you want to)?
- Bro Jo
Bro Jo,
Haha..I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a pill :(
No, he doesn't go to church with us. I'm almost sure he would try it, though, except he lives four or five hours away right now. And we've talked about church before...long story short, we've had a lot of serious talks about what kind of guy I want to marry. Ya, that sounds a bit serious for being 17 years old...but the conversations came up, ya know? He'd be willing to come to church if it meant he had a shot at dating me. (But conversion would have to be for himself, I know I know, and trust me, I agree and have told him that, too.)
To be honest, I guess my biggest reason for casual dating is just that I've been told to. I see the benefits in it, too...there's a lot less of a risk of things going too far, and it helps you meet lots of people whereas exclusive relationships do the opposite, etc.
- NW
[One Day Later]
Bro Jo-
A little turn of events has happened, and I may have answered my own questions...I got my patriarchal blessing yesterday and have given a lot of thought to some things and I have kindof decided I need to just be friends with this guy and focus on sharing the gospel with him. I guess when you care about someone, you want them to be happy...and if I can share with him what I know it will do more for him than bumping my standards and dating him exclusively.
Thanks again for all the help in the past,
- NW
Dear NW,
That’s wonderful - good for you!
I'm here any time,
- Bro Jo
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