Changing the Dating Culture

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for all the help you give the youth. Your blog is a great idea and I’m glad to see that you’re helping so many people. I have enjoyed reading the posts.

Quick update on me: I'm a happy father of 2 in the middle of medical school in (location withheld), who just bought a minivan, which makes me feel old. My wife and I are madly in love and work hard to make our marriage better all the time. I am now the second counselor in the young men’s presidency and scout master. I love working with the youth and trying to teach them righteous principles and playing hard with them.

I had an interesting and eye opening experience this Christmas break and I was curious what your thoughts would be regarding it. My brother-in-law, Cody, turned 16 in November and by Christmas time had not gone a date yet. I decided that I could help him get over that first date hump. I had a little chat with him about the dating section of the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet and we determined that he did want to date, and that it was good to date, but was nervous about it.

What a wonderful opportunity for a loving brother-in-law to help out! Even before we got to my wife's home town, we had decided that it would be fun to do a group date. Me and my gorgeous wife, my 16 year old brother with his date and my 23 year old returned missionary brother in-law (who has his own dating struggles and issues) and his date. So I encouraged Cody to find a date.

At which point our conversation abruptly hit a wall, "I don't have anyone to ask," he said.

Most of his female classmates/friends were still 15 and he was intimidated by the thought of asking a girl older than himself. And here is a big part of my question, he also said that the majority of other girls he could ask had boyfriends. He lives in a small Mormon settlement town in (location withheld) with 10 wards. I was sure there would be someone he could ask and I was determined to help him get over his nervousness. In order to help him get over his fears I did what any good brother would. I threatened him with social embarrassment. If he could not find anyone to ask on our date, then I would ask someone for him. How embarrassing would that be right?

With some more time and pressure he did come up with one girl to ask. (I saw him skip down the hall with the phone to call her, grinning like the Cheshire cat.) Unfortunately, she was in Hawaii for the break. Back to the “no one to ask” wall. Eventually, my wife called all of the young women’s presidents in the stake and asked about available 16 year olds. We found someone he could ask. He did ask her, not me.

We all had a great time making PVC pipe marshmallow guns and shooting each other. It was a success in the end.

I have been very interested in Cody's current situation. He would like to date. He understands that dating is good, but the number of possible dates he could ask out is so small, even though there are so many LDS youth in his town, because so many girls have boyfriends. I understand it is popular in the world to have a boyfriend or girlfriend in high school. I felt the pressure even back in my day (I can hardly believe that was 10 years ago).

I am curious what your thoughts are about how to establish a culture of appropriate dating rather than specifics of individual dating. Specifically, in Cody's stake, what would you recommend leaders do to change the dating culture, and what would you recommend the youth do?

Curiously,

A Former Student



Dear Friend,

How great to hear from you! For what it's worth, ten years have gone by quickly for me, too!

The culture shift is going to be a long and complicated endeavor. In our day girls are, even more than before, convinced that their value is derived from guys and not, as it should be, from Heavenly Father. From an ever increasingly younger age that problem, in their minds, seems to be solved by having a boyfriend. It's a misconception that is growing worldwide, and one that's propagated by many of their parents, yes, even Latter-day Saints. If a girl has a boyfriend, then she's pretty, she's wanted, she's valuable, or so she's lead to believe.

Add to that the benefits boys realize if they have a girlfriend. It publicly identifies them as heterosexual, relieves them from heaps of pressure (from peers, but also their parents) and presents possibilities for physical stuff (because, as some boys realize, girls will do many things they don't want to or think they should do if it means having and keeping a boyfriend).

These, as my oldest daughter says using air quotes, "relationships" are the antithesis of dating. Despite what they say, these kids aren't "going out" or "dating", they're hanging out and kissing.

For decades many of us in the Church responded to our fears of youth immorality by creating a culture of non-daters. You and some of your friends were exceptions, but I'm sure if you think back you'll remember many of your LDS peers who NEVER dated. Even some of you who did date were still terrified by the horror stories old people told you. And thus the Church now finds itself with a growing problem. Many youth are either panicked about dating or getting in . . . "relationships" too young.

What you and your wife did for your nephew is exactly in the right direction. Casual Group Dating is the key to the middle road. A way to build important social skills and have some great experiences without jeopardizing your temple worthiness.

So Cody may be blazing new social territory, so to speak. His first step is to find some good dating buddies, guys that have the same goals and intentions he does. Once the group is formed, they just need to start going on Casual Group Dates, preferably once a month. It will be difficult, and he'll probably have to most, if not all, of the work. But by graduation he will have earned the reputation of being one of the nicest guys and best daters around. It won't make high school necessarily any easier, but when he comes back from the mission he'll be one hot commodity!

Leaders and parents will be a little more difficult to convince. If they're already on the boyfriend-girlfriend or anti-dating wagon, they'll be there because of their own fears or experiences; as you know from your mission experience, you can't convince people they're wrong, they have to discover it for themselves. All we can do is teach and testify.

If leaders and parents are on board, there's a lot of great things they can do!

Youth dances need to be regularly held, and the bigger (multi-stake) the better. Youth dances are preparatory for dating (the same way, I argue, that casual group dating is preparatory for missionary service, serious single dating, and marriage), and regular opportunities will help the youth be more comfortable with each other in social situations.

Etiquette Dinners should be a yearly occurrence; so should "how to dance" classes. Both are actually recommended in the youth handbooks, (Etiquette dinners used to be something a teacher could sign off as part of his Duty to God, I think they still are!) and Youth Leaders should encourage combined activities. (In Sister Jo's ward the priests and Laurels would get together once a month for a movie party at a leader's home.)

Parents should encourage their children to have regular gatherings at their home. Movie parties, game nights, mixed gender barbecues, all should be happening from age 14 on. (An added benefit to these get-togethers is that parents will know their children's friends and potential dates, making everyone more comfortable when 16 rolls around.)

Adults need to also abstain from hanging their own baggage on young people. Didn't get asked to prom? Dated a scary girl? That doesn't mean your child should stay home.

Being attracted to the opposite sex is a good thing; rather than deny reality, we have a responsibility to teach young people how to deal with those feelings and hormones in a positive way, building their confidence and social skills so that, ten years from now, they'll be happily and smartly married, hopefully with a couple kids.

Creating our own eternal families is, after all, why Heavenly Father sent us here in the first place, right?

- Bro Jo

PS:  Sister Jo and I are very proud of you and the examples you and your spouse are setting.  Keep it up, brother!