Dear Bro Jo,
I was just wondering how you expect us (I'm an 18 year old girl) to be prepared for marriage if we've never been in a real relationship, or even get to the point to consider being married to someone before then?
I haven't read all of your blog, but you seen to have a "casual dating only" policy. While I think there is serious risk in serious dating, I think that there is a lot that can and should be learned from it- for example, the staples of a good, Temple marriage: spiritual support, communication, what to do in a fight, and just learning to be close to someone. You better believe that before I commit eternity to someone, I will know everything I possibly can BEFORE we are married, including and especially personal things you don't share with someone you are casually seeing.
When do you think a serious relationship is acceptable/healthy?
You can't say that the only full-on relationship we should have is with our spouse...
Thanks so much
PLEASE reply, even if it isn't posted
- Searching
Dear Searching,
It’s not so much an issue of what I expect, but what I recommend . . .
Casual Group Date while you're a teen.
Serious Single Dating for girls after high school, for guys after the mission.
Both are marriage preparatory. So are dances, etiquette dinners, missions, scouting, personal progress . . . each thing at the prescribed age and stage.
For the record, LOTS of people, both in and out of the Church, have very successful marriages with the first and only person they've ever been in a serious relationship with. Think about it. Look around at the people in your ward.
Now it's true that I dated a lot as a teen and young single adult. Some relationships were more serious than others, but Sister Jo is the only relationship I had that lasted longer than three months. This month we're celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.
There's no way to know everything about someone before you marry, but there are some warning signs to avoid and some questions you definitely need the answers to.
Check out
Bro Jo's "Five A's of Why NOT to Marry That Person"
and
"Bro Jo's List of Stuff You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged"
Thanks for reading! And don't worry, you'll find love, probably when you're not searching so hard.
- Bro Jo
3 comments:
I agree with "Searching"... I think it's kind of ridiculous that we are supposed to stay arm's length away from each other until we're 18 (or the boys are 21) and then it's "Okay, get married--Ready Set GO!" You say that plenty of people have happy marriages with their first boyfriend/girlfriend, but I see so many quick and sad divorces from those kinds of marriages. I don't understand how I'm supposed to know how to have a functional relationship without practice first... It's all so complicated, skills you can only learn from experience.
Pay attention, please.
1. You're not supposed to stay away from each other until you're 18.
2. Casual Group Dating is practice for the Serious Single Dating you're supposed to do once you're old enough to begin seriously looking for a spouse.
3. If you go back and read my response, you'll find two great articles that will help you know if you're making a good decision for marriage.
Yes, experience is important, but you need to have those experiences when the timing is right.
Line upon line, precept upon precept.
- Bro Jo
I know this was posted awhile ago, but I had casual dating explained to me like this. In high school we go on dates with a variety of different people and build friendships. We learn some things we like about people, things we don't necessarily like, all while building friendships and having some good clean fun! Then once the serious dating time comes we have a pool of friends that we can look at and see what exactly we want in a future spouse. I was scared going into my first serious relationship after only casually dating in high school, but I am soooooooo glad I made the choice to not be exclusive with anyone in high school. Saved me some drama and allowed me to enjoy time with a wide group of friends.
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