Dealing with Child Abuse

Dear Bro Jo,

How popular is child abuse in the Church?

What is done to those who are abusive to their children?

My dad is really abusive and I'm going off to college next year but I can't report him to the police or anything like that because we'd need the income to survive. It's not to the point of life threatening I mean, he's threatened to kill me but his like physical actions aren't to that point. I just try to avoid him.

I'm not sure what would happen if I called the police. Before we lived in another state and my mom called the police on him and (from my 7 yr old memory) he was put in jail and then my mom got him off on bail. And, he had to take abuse classes on Mondays. If I called the police I'd want him gone forever not just have to take classes. I also have a younger sister and I'm worried what will happen to her once I leave.

At church he puts up this total front. I wonder how many other members are putting up a front. And he doesn't abuse us all the time. Every few weeks he'll have this 'episode'. I've put up with this my whole childhood and I just can't wait to leave for BYU and be rid of all the problems he brings into my life.

- abused



Dear Abused,

I hope you mean "widespread" and not "popular" . . . and the answer is that I don't know. One instance of child abuse is not acceptable in any organization. I suspect that the statistics are the same inside the LDS faith as they are outside, though I hope with the Church's focus on family, and regular worthiness interviews (did you know that in Adult Temple Recommend Interviews members are specifically asked about abusive behavior, and that a Temple Recommend is supposed to be denied to anyone who is abusive?)

But child abuse isn't just a Church issue, it's a worldwide issue; it's abhorrent regardless of who the perpetrator is, and I have zero tolerance for abusers.

I want you first to take a good hard look at what you're calling abuse. You downplay the violence, but it's important. Is he physically abusive? Is he striking you or others to assert control over them, vent his anger, or submit them to his will? Is he verbally abusive? Is he often yelling or screaming, to the point of making others cry? Is he emotionally abusive? Does he belittle others, playing mind games with others to the point where they feel worthless?

That's abuse. If you and he aren't getting along, if he lectures you constantly, grounds you, or takes away your stuff . . . you're not being abused; you're being parented. Before you take the next step you'd better be clear which is which.

If you're old enough to be going to BYU soon you're past old enough to do the right thing and old enough to know the difference between abuse and sternness.

If abuse is happening, you MUST take action. You need to call your Bishop or Stake President RIGHT NOW. You need to meet with them as soon as possible. You have to tell a trusted adult about the abuse, someone who can step in and help.

No joke. You need help. Your sister needs help. And so does your mother (although it sounds like she's got classic denial problems, and is not likely to help anyone).

I agree that it's good that you're leaving, but you have to think about your sister and your mother and their safety. You have to help them.

And your dad needs help, too.

Please make the call.

Don't worry about the money or prison or anything else; safety and doing what's right is more important.

Keep me posted.

- Bro Jo