Dating and Chronic Illness

Dear Readers,

I received the following comment on last Monday’s column (March 7, 2011), “Bro Jo’s List of Stuff You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged” and I felt it warranted its own column.

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

I wonder what your thoughts on chronic illnesses and their effects on a relationship.

I'm a 25-year-old RM who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis shortly after coming home. MS isn't your garden-variety chronic illness (as if there was such a thing); it will eventually prevent me from holding down a job and perhaps confine me to a wheelchair or to bed. Most cases can be managed, but mine is progressing faster than most.

Aside from severely limiting my physical abilities and energy (sometimes it is all I can do to drag myself to work and then back to bed afterwards), it has caused me much worry over how a potential spouse might react to my condition when I tell her. How do I prepare the women I date for this news, and is it reasonable to expect her to eventually assume total care of my physical needs?

Also, I feel that this is a huge liability in my dating life - would you concur? And how would I overcome that obstacle?

- Anonymous



Dear Anon,

Not to make light of your illness, but we all have challenges. None of us is perfect physically and as part of our earthy trial our physical challenges will increase with age. Even if you marry a woman who’s the perfect picture of health there’s no way that will always be the case for her. Life happens, my brother, and that includes any number of things that we can’t possibly plan for until they happen.

You have MS. That’s hard, but not insurmountable.

My aunt was diagnosed with MS when she was in her 30’s. Already married and with teenage daughters, like you, her initial stages progressed rapidly. It changed all of their lives. But through all of the worries and challenges, the bad days and the setbacks, the medications and home remodels, she and my uncle played the hand they were dealt. They had several decades of happiness together.

I don’t agree that this is a liability in your dating life at all. Maybe it means you have to plan dates for times when you find you have more energy, or plan dates that accommodate your physical limitations. If you were a guy that has seizures, then yeah, you’d probably go on double dates or make some arrangements in case something happens. Maybe you’d tend to date girls you know a little better instead of strangers; people you could talk to, who would understand when you tell them “this might happen, don’t worry about it, happens all the time, but if it does, here’s what you do”.

Yes, you may need to share your situation with the girls you date, but I don’t see it as a first couple dates conversation. Spilling our guts is not what those first couple dates are about. If you feel you need to explain, then go ahead, but be positive; “Hey, this is the way things are, but I’m dealing with it in a positive way.”

At some point in a more serious relationship we need to talk about serious things. If you look at “Bro Jo’s Levels of a Relationship” I think it falls somewhere in the Level 7 to Level 9 range, that's the right time to bring up MS if you haven't already.

Husbands and wives have a right to expect that their spouse will help them with whatever physical challenges may come up, and we, their spouses, have an obligation to not make ourselves more of a burden than we really should be.

Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, I have a friend who has MS, is more than double your age, and he works a regular job. I know it’s difficult, but try to stop thinking about what you can’t do, and focus more on what you CAN do.

In his autobiography, Wayne Gretzky talks about the difference between 100 goal a year scorers and 50 goal a year scorers. The 50 goal guys, he says, can tell you the brand and color of every pad on every goalie in the league. The 100 goal scorers can’t even tell you who was playing goal on any particular night. One tries to shoot around the obstacle; the other more successful guy doesn’t see the obstacles.

Remember, life is about what we do with the time we’re given. So go out and date!

Great question!

Thanks for reading and writing in.

Best,

- Bro Jo