Dear Bro Jo,
I have a serious issue.... there is this boy that I have liked for over 2 years now. We are basically going out- I guess- but not dating..... Do you know what I mean?? He has said he likes me and I have said I like him. We talk, flirt, walk around in the morning and ETC....... No out side of school contact except for phone calls (I’m only allowed 1 hour a day...... do you think that’s fair??(I don't think so))
Problem #1: he gave me a hug before I left school and kissed the top of my head.... (personally I don't find this a problem) but the problem is now all of my church friends think we are dating...... and that’s bad cuz I’m not 16.....yet....in November I will be....
Problem #2: because of #1 none of my friends talk to me anymore....... it’s sad I know... I think it’s because he is not a member..... but he is investigating
Problem #3: my mom has told me that there is no way I’m allowed to hold his hand.......I’m 15 3/4 and I think that she is a little wrong......help...
Problem #4: before my mom told me that.....well.....you know I was kinda holding his hand....
Problem #5: well I don’t really find this a problem I just help with it but he is almost an entire year younger than me..... It’s kinda weird.....
Please help me.....I'M DESPERATE
-Seriously Confused
Dear Serious,
You sound Desperate and Confused!
You may totally hate me in about 5 minutes, but remember two things: 1) You asked; and 2) I’m right.
First of all, you’re WAY TOO SERIOUS about a boy you’ve liked since you were 13 and he was 12. I have shoes that I’ve had a longer relationship with than you’ve been alive; trust me: we don’t discover the Love of Our Lives at 13.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean: you’re not dating at all! When you say you’re “going out” you mean you’re "an item", “boyfriend-girlfriend”, you have “confessed your Mutual Like for each other”. You have a relationship that’s advanced to a certain level of security, and that’s comforting for you.
(Boys and Girls, "comfort" is not always a good thing. When we become too comfortable in a romantic relationship we relax our standards when it comes to the physical stuff. I know you're smart and observant - you can SENSE - and SEE - when a couple at school has become VERY COMFORTABLE with each other).
Before I get to your problems (BTW – I DO like the way you listed them – very clever), let me tell you one more thing: The JO KIDS don’t have cell phones, they don’t text their friends, and the only time they’re on the phone for an hour is if they’re calling several kids to set up a Movie Party or Church Activity, and that certainly is NOT every night. Fair? You bet it’s fair! And WISE.
(Sister Jo and I do let the older boys – who are older than you – borrow one of our phones if they’re out on a date or coming home very late from an out-of-town school related function or competition)
OK. Here we go:
#1 Of course YOU don’t find getting hugged and kissed a problem; Duh! You’re the one getting hugged and kissed. Is it weird? No. Is it evil? No, but if you transition into “making out” it will be a mistake (and Bro Jo knows that’s where this is headed, if it hasn’t already by the time you get this response). Maybe you should listen to your friends instead of focusing on what “feels good” for the moment . . . Yeah, they may be jealous on some level– but the jealousy doesn’t make them wrong.
#2 I doubt your friends have stopped talking to you because you got kissed on the head by a non-member boy. Be honest, here: it’s because you’re acting different and they don’t know what to say. Again, they may be jealous (you have a boyfriend and they don’t and, as I’ve said before, in the same way that water seeks it’s own level, at a certain age girls are pre-disposed to wanting a boyfriend – it’s a security thing), but if they’re really your friends you should be able to go up to them and talk things out.
#3 There’s no way you’re going to get me to say your mom is wrong. Consider this: with very few exceptions no guy wants to take out another guy’s girlfriend. You hold hands (and other stuff) in public and All the Other Guys that are thinking about taking you out on REAL DATES when you’re old enough (very soon) will scratch you off the list. Is that what you want? Is that your goal? Where are you headed? To be the make-out buddy of a non-member guy that won’t be old enough to date you for another year and a half? That won’t be old enough to take you to Prom next year?
#4 Look, I’m not saying that holding hands is BAD. It does feel nice . . . It’s reassuring; like someone publicly declaring that you’re good looking and have value. But like Cheating to get one more Gold Bobsledding Medal, if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it. (Please tell me you get the movie reference . . !)
#5 I don’t think Dating, casually or seriously, someone who’s a little younger than you is a problem, so long as you’re both at that stage in life (the “16 years old to date” rule needs to apply to BOTH people on the Date, not just the Mormon). In fact, I think girls dating younger guys is an inevitable part of the program! If a guy is supposed to start Casually Dating at 16 and he only dates girls who are Already 16 . . . get it? I do think, however, you better listen to the promptings of the Spirit – you’re the one that said “it’s kinda weird” – where do you think that feeling is coming from? What do you think the Spirit is telling you?
I’m sure he’s a very nice guy. And, member or not, if he’s a decent guy and is willing to play by the Dating Rules I say, when he’s old enough, Date Him!
But until the two of you are Marrying Age, I think you need to re-evaluate how serious this relationship is, and how serious it’s going to get if you continue on this same path.
The boy being a non-member is in no way a bad thing, unless we’re talking Marriage or Serious Dating (for you that should be AT LEAST 4 years away, and if he joins the Church and goes on a Mission, for him it's at least SEVEN YEARS away). Everyone reading this column knows that Church Membership is not a guarantee of Sainthood, nor is Non-membership a guarantee of Immorality. However, it’s very foolish to enter into any relationship hoping for change . . . Everyone changes, but to think we can control them, the change, or the outcome, is Insanity.
- Bro Jo
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