Dear Bro Jo,
I am a 19 year old female. I have been having some problems with dating (like not getting any dates).
Since I turned 16 I have been on 3 or 4 dates in which I have asked the guy. I am a very shy person, I don't have many friends the friends I do have are mostly guys.
I am comfortable with them and have no problems talking to them but they look at my like I am one of the guys. They come to me with their Girl problems, it is very frustrating.
I want to date but no guys are asking and when I ask I feel like they are only taking me out because they feel sorry for me in my mind if they liked me they would ask me out not the other way around.
Some of my girl friends are getting married and I feel like they are at the end of their dating life and I have barley started. I have high standards for the guys I want to date or marry. (When I say high, not un- normal for girls in our church) but lately I have been thinking about lowering then just to get a date. When older women in my ward ask my mom if I have a boyfriend she says things like “she (me) is more concentrated on school than boys”; it hurts when she says things like that mostly because it’s not true I would date if I could get a date.
What should I do to get dates??
Thanks,
Getting Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Reality Check Time.
1. You’re not Shy: you’ve asked out each of the 3 or 4 guys you’ve gone out with (not a good idea, BTW), and you seem quite social and comfortable around others.
2. You don’t have ANY “Guy Friends”. You have lots of Boyfriends without the perks of the Free Dinners and Movies. You’re being used, and it’s entirely your fault. You’re their “Safety Net” – and you know what sucks about that? No one thinks about you until there’s a disaster to be averted; until they’re falling to their death and hoping someone is there to save their sorry carcass. As long as you play "The Buddy", you’ll never be "The Girlfriend". All of these guys that are your “friends” would date you if they had either: a) no other prospects; or b) it was the only way they could spend time with you. Keep reading and I’ll tell you how to get Option B.
3. When you ask out boys they don’t respect you; so you’re right, they are only going out with you because they feel sorry for you (or they think you’re easy – sorry, but that’s the way guys think – some will protest this point of view – those that do are Lying – you can bank on it).
4. You don’t have High Standards; and therefore can’t lower them. You’ve already indicated that you’d be happy to go out with anyone that asks, but no one is asking (you’re doing all the asking, remember?) If you get One Thing out of this letter, let it be this: IF YOU WOULD SIMPLY RAISE YOUR STANDARDS YOU WOULD GET MORE DATES – again, more about that later.
5. Dating doesn’t stop with marriage (or at least it shouldn’t); I go out with my wife once a week, minimum.
6. What do you want your Mom to say? “My daughter is confused and thinks that being a 'pal' is going to get her dates . . . she’s not bright enough to realize that is the reason no one is asking her out”. You should thank you mom for covering for you!
Look, you seem like a very nice girl, and clearly there are men in your life that see that you have value; you just need to realize it yourself and begin acting accordingly.
First, you need to give all of these “Guy-Friends” in your life their walking papers. You can still be nice, but you’ve got to establish that you’re not there to be “hung out” with, you’re a Young Woman of Promise, and like to be treated like a Princess and Future Queen.
The next time one of these guys calls you (and EVERY TIME) and says “Hey, watcha doin’?” and wants to hang out, or come cry on your shoulder, you try one of these lines:
“I’m waiting for a Good Guy to take me to Dinner. Why? Are you asking?
“I’d love to hear all about what a witch so-and-so is, but it’s going to cost you a date. You come up with a plan for where you’re taking me and call me back” and HANG UP!
“Well my social calendar is pretty full. I’d love to talk to you, but there are so many guys madly in love with me right now that I have to commit all my time to them. Now, if you’re interested I’d be happy to pencil you in . . .”
“You know, (insert name here), you’re a pretty Good Guy, but I’m a little tired of being treated like your second choice. You like being around me, and I like being around you. Why don’t we just cut to the chase: you ask me on an actual date and I’ll say ‘Yes’.”
“Hey, buddy; I’m not your consolation prize!” (That’s from a movie)
Get the idea?
You don’t Ask Guys Out; you get them to Ask You Out.
- Bro Jo
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