Too Serious Too Soon

Dear Bro Jo,

I have several questions to a complicated situation.

Basically it starts off with my best friend/not official, fiancé, who just joined the church at the age of 18, and has a wonder testimony of the church.

He's considering a mission since the church encourages every able bodied young man to go, but there's a dilemma. It's difficult for young men to choose to go when they've been members their whole life, but he's only been a member about a month and a half, but the dilemma is that while he's contemplating this, with all the usual problems every young man has (like college, scholarships, money, and his family is NOT in favor of it), there's me, which I know is big factor for him.

Now, I know it is not my choice but his and Lord's, but I am not sure what I should do in this. We are planning on getting married, though not official, everyone (especially our little branch) thinks we will get married, which is something both of us want and we have prayed about it. But he worries that if he goes, I might not wait, not that I am not willing to; I just don't know what the Lord has in store for me if he were to go.

And I worry, that he would be distracted because of this while on his mission if he were to go. My question is should I encourage him to go, or would it be best if we just got married soon instead?

I know it's his choice, like I said, but I also know I have a lot of influence with him. I am completely split on the matter, and I really don't know if I want him to go or not, because I rely on him so much to be there, but I want him to do the Lord's will.

My parents keep giving him the impression that he would be a horrible person if he doesn't go. But would he be? Could we still get married in the Temple?

I know these are questions that I should be asking my parents or branch president, but although they think we'll get married, they don't really want to talk about it yet, because a wedding would be at least a year away. They don't believe you should be engaged before a mission. So I really am not sure what I should do in the matter. It's been a really hard thing for both of us. So your advice will be welcomed. And thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely,

“Beth”


Dear “Beth”,

Thank you for the letter, and "Your welcome!"

But let’s see if you’re still grateful three or four paragraphs from now . . .

This boy is not a horrible person . . . but You May Be. The Opportunity and Honor of serving a Mission for this Young Man is a Once in a Lifetime Opportunity, and you’re injecting your marriage hopes into the situation. You're willing to presuade him from that possibility becuase you're "in love" (I guess . . . you never actually said that you love him . . . interesting).

You say you “know it is not my choice but his and Lord's” and yet everything you’re doing is contrary to that (ever hear the phrase "if you love someone, set them free"?). You admit that you’re a big factor here, but continue to treat this boy like he’s your fiancé (you even say you consider him that), but the indication from your letter is that he hasn’t even proposed!

No Popped Question + No ring + No Date Set = Not Engaged (all three of those things are required).

Geez, he’s only 18, barely been a member of the Church for 6 weeks, and you’re ready to drag him to the Temple?!?! Oh, I’m sure he’d go, but do you really want to marry a boy who married you not because it was he was ready, or becuase it was his choice, but because he was afraid of losing you? That’s not Love; it’s Fear.

(And NOT the Old Testament “Respect” kind of Fear, either)

You SHOULD be talking to your Branch President AND your Parents; they’re right: someone who’s engaged should not go on a Mission. And if he does go, you should not wait, you should tell him you’re not going to wait, and you should be supportive of his sacrifice and commitment, and you should date any Good Guy that asks. Remember kids, very few couples get back together after the mission . . . and that’s Not a Bad Thing, it’s just the way things work out.

If he proposes, then fine; if the two of you can stay clean and worthy until he’s been a member long enough to get married in the Temple, then that’s what you should do. If you can’t wait that long, get married now, before you make a mistake (you know what I mean), but remember that’s not my first recommendation.

I have to tell you, based on the limited information I have here, I don’t think either of you is ready for marriage. Not even close. Look, there’s no way to be completely ready for marriage – too many people put it off because of money, schooling, housing, and a wide variety of other excuses – but you two are still in the “INFATUATION” stage, you haven’t lived enough life or been together long enough to really know who you are. You don't get married because you're lonely or affraid the person you're dating may find someone else . . .

If he doesn’t go on a Mission, he’s not a horrible person, and “Yes” you could still get married in the Temple, but I think the best thing for Both of You right now is to SLOW DOWN; Break Up (this can be a Positive Thing). Go back into Casual Dating mode, at least through the summer after High School Graduation. Date other people. Get some perspective. You’ve fallen in to the trap of being Too Serious Too Soon.

If it’s meant to be, it will be, but don’t hurry into marriage or you’ll both start one of the most rewarding jobs of your lives with a pile of “what ifs” and regrets.

- Bro Jo