Doing the Right Thing

Dear Bro Jo,

About two years ago I developed a crush on a boy in my grade. I hadn’t ever really talked to him, and he's really shy, but for some reason I was attracted to him. Since I didn’t really know him all that well it kind of faded to the back of my mind, but it was still kind of there.

Well, ironically, I found out a while later that I had fallen for the one inactive Mormon I hadn’t known was a Mormon!

He had moved in a year before and never been to Church, so I had never seen him there before.

Well I started trying to talk to him and get to know him a little bit, (my Bishop had told me to get to know him if I could and see if he was interested in any youth activities or whatnot) but since he was so shy I never really made much progress.

But then, last year he spontaneously showed up at Church! I tried to talk to him a little to make him feel more comfortable, and it seemed to go well. He kept coming, and a few months later (last summer) he was able to receive the priesthood! He became really active and I got to know him pretty well through youth conference, mutual activities, Church, etc.

This year in school we have a lot of overlapping classes, so I’ve gotten to be pretty good friends with him over the last year, and he opened up a lot.

Well, recently I was in a conversation with him on facebook where somehow I wound up admitting that I had a crush on him. He admitted the same to me after a while.

Neither of us was entirely sure what to do at this point, but we decided on a few things for sure. We are both freshman (I just turned 15, he'll be 15 this summer) and neither of us are willing to give up our standards and date before 16. We didn’t want to tell anyone else either, because that might seem like we're dating.

Since then (it’s been a couple weeks) nothing much has changed in our friendship, and we've worked really hard to keep it that way. It’s so important to me that I keep the commandments and stay within the Lord's standards!

We’re not dating, we're not "going out", and we don’t hold hands, or try to act like we're dating. The only thing that has really changed is that we can be honest with each other and get to know each other a little better. Surprisingly, it’s made it so much less awkward, because there's not so much blushing and awkward laughs when we talk to each other.

Given that we both care so much about respecting each other and our standards, I feel like we've done the best that we can. We support each other and give encouragement and advice when we need, and otherwise we joke around or flirt a little. We're both pretty good at school, so we give each other help with our common classes when we need it.

I could go on and on trying to explain this situation, but the gist of it is that we've really tried to keep our friendship as much of a friendship and as little of a dating relationship as we could. Do you think this is a good relationship?

We're trying to be friends and to get to know each other first, so that if the time comes that we want to date that we'll have a friendship base to start with, which makes it so much easier. Am I handling this correctly?

Since we already know we're mutually interested, what can we do to make sure we stay within our standards and follow the Lord's council? Are we right to be trying to be friends like we are? What should we be doing? I really want to do all that I can to ensure that I have good friendships with those around me, and that I stay clean in order to have the best experiences dating that I can when the time comes. What is your advice?

Sincerely,

"Trying to follow"


Dear Following,

I think this is a great relationship, and so far it sounds like you’re both doing what you’re supposed to do.

As I said in the letter I posted on April 6th, at some point the two of you won’t be able to remain friends; you’ll either develop into more than that, or you’ll both end up in relationships with other people that would make continuing this association (even at the level it is now) inappropriate. You could be friendly, and you could associate, but if you’re married to people that aren’t each other, then it would be wrong for you to spend this type of time together, especially having confessed mutual attraction.

But that’s a ways down the road.

When you are old enough to date, my Dating Rules still apply. You’ll need to date other people in between dates with each other (No Cheating! Bro Jo knows all about the “Let’s double date; I’ll take your girlfriend and you take mine so our parents are happy and when they’re not looking we’ll swap dates” game). You’ll also want to make certain that all of your dates are group dates, that there are no make-out sessions, and that you keep things Casual.

Until then, there are some special guidelines you two should follow so that the temptation to make your relationship more intimate than is appropriate is avoided.

1. Don’t be alone together. This is non-negotiable, and there are no exceptions. Want to watch a video together? Make it a movie party. Want to do homework together? Fine; at the dinner table with adults home and walking through the room every 20 minutes. No bedrooms. No cars. No walks through the park at night.

2. Don’t cut off associations with all others. Still talk to (and eventually date) other boys (and girls). Don’t allow each other to become the Center of the Universe.

3. Bring a trusted adult (or two or three) in the loop. Bishop. Youth leader. Parents. People who can offer mature council in that moment when you’re too caught up in the relationship to think clearly. People who can help you keep things from getting too close.

4. Keep feeling the Spirit. Cliché or not, there’s Power in Prayer (and personal scripture study). As you continue your relationship with Heavenly Father, He will help you to make good decisions in your other relationships.

In general, it sounds like you two are Doing the Right Thing. I’m proud of you; keep it up.

- Bro Jo