Being the Sane One

Dear Bro Jo,

Saw the facebook ad and wanted to hear your take:

The scenario:

I just moved to Utah with my new wife to be closer to her kids and our first grand-child (2 wives, 7 kids ... I've met Mormon quota!) . . .

My 2 kids are back in Fla. with their mom.

My 16-year old daughter is currently dating a 25-year old law student. Mom and step-dad APPROVE because it's long distance and they see each other only a couple of times a month. His parents APPROVE because they were 17 and 13 when they met and have been married 40 years.

If she were 18, I would cut her a little slack because she's been a second mother to my son. But I've told her there is no way I will approve of this relationship, otherwise I'd lose my red-state father's card.

Here's the clincher. His uncle is a United States senator and former Vice-Presidential candidate . . . and I VOTED for him. I'm mad at myself because this would be cool ... if she were 18 or 19.

Until then, do I just bite my lip and make snarky comments?

- Name and Town Withheld


Dear N.T.,

NO WAY would I approve! (I had to think about that all of about .0001 seconds). She’s still in High School for gosh sakes!

His parents are morons; 17 and 13 are two kids in High School at the same time, 16 and 25 are vastly apart – what’s he going to do, take her to the Prom???

Yeah, I don’t think so. Your daughter is going to miss out on some very important things as long as she’s “playing” in this “adult” relationship. Neither you, nor your Ex, nor Mr. Step-dad should allow this guy’s pseudo connection to fame to cloud your judgment. That stuff doesn’t matter, here or in the Eternities.

If he’s really “in-love” with her, he should put his hormones on ice, finish school, and look her up when she’s of age. Until then, he’s just, well . . . creepy.

And, can I be a little extra honest here? You were 25 once, why would YOU have dated a 16-year old girl?

See, only a few things complete the scenario:

1. Either he’s got other girls he’s seeing that aren’t long distance (which is VERY likely – how naive are your daughter and her mother?)

2. Or he’s seeing your daughter because the distance and her age make it “safe” (let’s face it, she’s got to be doting on his every word)

3. Or they’re having sex (sorry, dad, but this is my bet - I hope I'm wrong, but I'm probably not)

At least one of those things is true, probably two.

So, what do you, as the long-distance, only non-approving adult do?

Well you can’t bite your lip – you’ll eventually chew right through – and you shouldn’t make “snarky comments” – it will be little you in the eyes of all involved, and eliminate the authority and power you need to have.

You have to say something, and it needs to be on the level of open, honest communication – you need to talk to her like an adult (because she thinks she is one) – not a peer, but an adult.

Set an appointment to talk to her, even if it’s over the phone. Make sure it’s a time when each of you can focus on the conversation. Don’t tell her what it’s about, no matter how tempted you may be, unless you’re going to have that conversation right now (it’s better to put the conversation off for at least 24 hours after the “appointment setting conversation” – it will give you time to collect your thoughts. If she asks, just tell her that you love her and you think the two of you need to talk.

Be calm. Be rational. Be loving.

Tell her that you recognize that she’s old enough to choose for herself, but as her father, and because you care so much about her, you have a sacred obligation to tell her how you feel. Tell her that this is difficult for you and very important, and ask her to please allow you to say all you have to say before she chimes in.

Speak as simply and non-judgmentally as you can. DO NOT insult the young man – she will instantly tune you out. Tell her, again CALMLY, how you feel, and when you’re done, tell her that you love her and you wish her the best in everything she does in life. If she begins to protest or interrupt, tell her “sweetheart, this is so important to me, and I promise to listen to everything you have to say once I’ve finished, is that OK?”

Then, if and only if she offers to speak, listen to what she has to say in response.

Be calm. Be rational. Be loving.

And be quiet.

Give her the same courtesy she afforded you.

When she’s said her piece, DON’T ARGUE. Listen.

When she’s done, thank her for sharing her feelings with you and for listening to you. Tell her again that you love her and let her know that you’ll be available to listen any time she needs.

See, this relationship is VERY LIKELY to go south, and when it does she’ll need someone to talk to, and you will have been the only one to have shown her the respect and honesty she needs.

She’ll respect you for being straight with her, and in the long run maintaining your close relationship is the most important thing.

If she was living under your roof you’d have more power, but for now the best you can do is be the sane one.

- Bro Jo