When "Going Out" isn't "Dating"

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm a girl in High School and recently I have lost interest in dating. Through the past year, I've "gone out" with several guys. I know that I wasn't supposed to, but I did anyways. Nothing bad happened, but I feel like I can't trust myself around guys right now. So, I've decided not to date until I can trust myself.

Many of my friends and family members are worried about me.

My mom keeps pressuring me to go on dates and often it is a topic of argument between me and my two best friends. One of my best friends keeps telling me we should do a double and I keep telling her no. She's kind of bossy, so she seems to think that I want to when I really don't.

The prophet has asked us not to pair off during our high school years and that's what I did--several times in the same year. I feel like I can't trust myself because a lot of the boys I hang out with are "looking" for a girlfriend and I'm worried about developing feelings for them and acting off them.

I have tried talking to my bishop about it, but I'm still confused. Is it bad that I'm not dating right now? Is there something wrong with me? Should I be dating?

I thought I'd ask you to get an outsider's opinion.

Thanks,

Tsuki Bear


Dear Tsuki,

No girl should ever feel obligated to go out with a Bad Guy (parents and leaders take note: you should never prostitute your young women as a way to activate a young man), but if you’re old enough and a good guy asks, you should let him take you out - on a Group Date (we call that "Casual Datng".

Your friend is right when she suggests that you should double (or even triple) date. It takes off much of the pressure. Now, that’s of course assuming that your friend is a “good girl” and not looking for someone to use as a front seat occupant so her parents won’t learn that she’s in the back seat with her boyfriend making out – finding good dating buddies is tough but very important. You’ll have to decide if your bossy friend is trying to help you realize that not all guys are bad or if she’s just using you.

You shouldn’t pair off in High School. That level of comfort breeds intimacy that should be saved for later (I’ll bet you could list kids in school who’ve been a “couple” for a while and everyone knows that they’ve gone farther than they should. Sister Jo and I can look at a couple and the way they interact with each other in public and KNOW just how far they’ve taken the physical side of their “relationship” – it’s a learnable skill, not a gift – I wonder how many kids realize that . . .) Prophets aren’t wrong, heed their counsel on dating and spend some more time talking to your Bishop.

I’ll bet your mom is pressuring you because you’ve kept much of this secret from her, and that’s too bad. I wonder how many moms (and dads) reading this have no clue what’s going on in the hearts and minds of their children, particularly when it comes to dating . . .

(Parents, the key, as always, is Communication. I don’t care how busy you are or how many children you have, you MUST regularly interview – and talk to [two different things] - your kids. It’s like prayer: the lines of conversation need to be opened often.)

If you talk to you mom, tell her how you feel and what's going on, she’ll probably back off on the pressure.

Can I make one more observation?

You used quotes for the phrase “gone out”, which to me suggests that you’re talking about something other than Dating. When I was a kid we called asking a girl to be your girlfriend “Going Together” (guys would actually say “will you go with me?”, which was a dumb way to put it, because the two of them weren't “going” anywhere. . .); people my parents age used to call it “Going Steady”, meaning that a particular person was your Steady Date.

I’m guessing that “going out” is more likely to mean “being someone’s girlfriend” or, if we’re being honest, “being the girl a particular guy smooches”, right?

That’s not Dating!

Take a look at the letters I’ve responded to about Kissing, and read through the JOHNSTON FAMILY DATING RULES FOR TEENS listed in the side bar. In fact, you should discuss them with you parents.

If you set rules and boundaries for yourself (and your dates) than you should have little to fear; you’ll trust yourself if you behave appropriately and stick to the rules. Date, just don’t put yourself in situations where you’re going to be tempted to do something you’ll regret.

BTW - it’s perfectly OK to be upfront with a guy when he calls to ask you out. Insist that he have a Plan for your date; require him to tell you who else is going; and tell him upfront that you think it will be fun to go out with a boy who’s not looking for a girlfriend.

I’m proud of you for being so self-aware.

- Bro Jo