Dear Bro Jo,
I am a 17 year old boy and I am in need of some advice here as I have a dilemma. You see, there is this nice, pretty LDS girl that goes to my school and I know she likes me because she has told me, and I am not going to lie, I like her too.
Her 16th Birthday is coming up soon, and we (she and I) have talked about "casual dating", the problem is I think that she thinks that we might "exclusively date". Don't get me wrong, I like this girl and would really enjoy "exclusively dating" her (probably because I am just a hormonal guy), but I also know I shouldn't have a "serious" relationship with a YW until after my mission.
How do I tell her that I like her, but I don't want to get too complicated before my mission without hurting her feelings?
While my question may seem quite silly, I am petrified of telling her my true feelings and I don't want to hurt her. I guess this also has a "courage" issue too. Can you maybe help?
Sincerely,
- Confused and 17 in Spokane
Dear 17,
You bet I can help!
(and your question isn’t “silly”)
You’re a bright guy, and right on just about all counts.
There’s nothing wrong with the two of you liking each other; Heavenly Father intends that men and women be attracted to each other – it’s in the Family Proclamation you know. The feelings you have are RIGHT, but the TIMING isn’t; not yet anyway.
Girls, including LDS girls, are often pre-disposed to having a boyfriend. Not all, but most. I’ve been in YW classes where girls will say “Brother Johnston, all we want is for boys to be brave enough to ask us out”. I explain that boys that are focused on a mission don’t want the entanglements of a girlfriend, and they’ll say “we totally understand!” Then on Wednesday I’ll overhear one saying to the other “so-and-so just asked me to Prom, he’s my new Boyfriend!”
Of course when I go up to the guy and say “Hey, congratulations! You got yourself a pretty cute Prom date” he responds “I don’t know Bro Jo, I think she’s expecting more than a date; she acts like she’s my girlfriend”.
Happens all the time – everywhere. It’s nearly gosh-darn Universal. Sister Jo says that women are pre-disposed to seeking out security – a valuable quality in a husband to be sure – and that’s why girls naturally look for something steady; it’s genetic.
True or not, the point is: yeah, you’re right: she is (or will be) pre-disposed to the “boyfriend” scenario.
(Yes, Young Sisters, I absolutely expect you to protest this, but I’m right, and you know it. Any girl who says she has no desire for a boyfriend is no more honest than the guy that buys a girl drinks because he “wants to get to know her better as a person”)
Which is why you probably CAN’T tell her how you feel without hurting her feelings. Sorry, man. Love’s like that.
And you HAVE TO tell her. It IS a Courage thing. Time to Man Up.
Come out and say how you feel before anything happens. It will be difficult because of the attraction you two have, but if you don’t have the conversation it will be worse.
Be honest. Just come out and say it.
“I really like you. A lot! But I need to stay mission-worthy and focused. When you turn 16 I’d love to take you out on the occasional date, but for me it has to be Casual Dating only. That means that I’m going to date other girls and you need to date other boys.”
Take off the pressure BEFORE it builds up.
I hope she takes it well, but I can’t promise that. You shouldn’t allow the possibility that she’ll feel hurt keep you from doing the right thing. Just be cool about it – treat her kindly, respect her, and be a nice guy.
If she can’t “casually date” you or you can’t “casually date” her, simple: don’t date each other. Date other girls. Look this one up when you come home from your mission (which you might want to do anyway, so long as she’s not married).
(Not to toot my own horn here, but buddy my Dating Rules for Teens work – share ‘em with your friends! And your parents . . .)
BTW, here’s the One Spot where you’re wrong: you’re not “just a hormonal guy”. Oh, sure, you’ve got raging teen-hormones – again, quite normal (and a good thing; too many guys 10 years older than you could stand to be a little more driven to get married, if you know what I mean) – but if you were “just” you wouldn’t be concerned about doing the right thing, and that, my friend, is what separates the Men from the Boys.
- Bro Jo
2 comments:
Bro Jo's right about the girls having a desire for a boyfriend.
You do probably need to let her know how you feel, and I have some ideas as to what you could say to her so she can better understand that you're not "dumping her" (she may be so caught up in already liking you and you liking her that she may think once she's 16 it's a relationship, so telling her this might give her the break-heart/dumping feeling). You could remind her that you're trying to prepare for your mission, you want her to be proud of you (at least we hope you do, and this would give her some feeling of being needed and appreciated), and that the best way to do that would be to keep this simple, not get so caught up in the moment.
Now, a benefit she will have to find on her own eventually, is that if you don't have a closed relationship, you have less chance of being emotionally scarred and getting into trouble.
Something I'll be making sure to teach my kids when I have them is that "16 does NOT equal boyfriends". Yes, they're technically aloud, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's time to get one.... even if the guy is right there and ready. Just take it easy for the first few years, there's no need to rush.
Hope this helps some. :)
Good advice - but remember one thing Sisters: Casual Dating is "allowed" at 16, there's nothing that says it's OK to have a Boyfriend just because there were 16 Candles on the Cake - that's called Serious Dating, and needs to wait until after 18 and High School Graduation.
- Bro Jo
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