Be Who You're Looking For

Dear Bro Jo,

I saw your add on Facebook and figured it couldn't hurt to email you.

To be honest, in high school I didn't date very much. Most of my friends were guys and I didn't really have the desire to date any of them. Therefore, I starting "dating" my first year of college. Eventually, I met a young man and helped him turn in his papers to go on a mission. Six months after he left, I went on my own mission. I didn't hear anything from him until after we both got home. He sent me an email telling me how I had ruined his mission and his life and he never wanted to talk to me again.

Since I've been home from my mission, I haven't really dated anyone. I've been on a few first dates, and I got one young man to take me on a second date, but that's it. I wouldn't feel as bad, but my roommate, who is divorced and less-active, and has multiple dates and more male attention (from temple-going young men!) than I do.

Out of all my high school and pre-mission friends, I'm the only one that is still single. I'm only 24, so I am not hopeless, but it is hard avoiding the feeling that something is wrong with me. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I got along well with all of my missionary companions. I normally have a happy attitude about life. I won't ever be on a magazine cover, but I'm not bad looking. I am also active in the church and attend the temple regularly.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I'm willing to fix it. I will confess that I am lonely and I don't know how to get a boyfriend. Your suggestions would be appreciated.

-Perpetually Single


Dear Single,

Well, you never know . . . you could get carpal tunnel syndrome . . . break a nail . . . I’ve caused a few people to bang their head against the keyboard . . . so there’s always a possibility for injury when writing to me . . .

I have no idea what went on between you and that Missionary, but my instinct is to tell you that you’re well to be rid of him. Who knows WHAT this guy’s problem is, but clearly he has some things to deal with that he’s not man enough to accept responsibility for; that’s why he blamed you.

I’m curious what your roommate has figured out that you haven’t . . . you may want to ask her.


The first thing you need to ask yourself is:

“Are you the type of person you’re looking to marry?”

You are a Daughter of God, and as such have intrinsic value, so it would be best if you were comfortable with and confident in whom you are, but who among us doesn’t wish that they were a little thinner, richer, or better in some way?

The question is asking you if you fit the mold of what you have in mind. Are you looking for an athlete? Then you should be athletic. Are you looking for an Outdoorsman? Then you should like camping. Are you looking for someone who loves cats? Get a cat.

Most people don’t self-evaluate well, but it’s a crucial skill. If you need help, put away your sensitivities and ask someone who knows you well and will be honest with you to help you discover who you are. Make a list; write it down. If who you are is not what you’re looking for in a spouse, it’s time to make a change. Hit the gym; buy a tent; go to the pet store. Or, and this is acceptable too, change for whom you’re looking.


The second question is:

“Are you looking for the type of person that you are?”

Tied closely to the last question, the emphasis needs to be on the verb “looking”; finding a spouse is like finding a job: it takes Active Effort. Do you put yourself in places to meet Good Single People? Let’s face it, Sister, you’re not going to find a husband in Relief Society! So go to conferences, hit all the dances and activities, take an Institute of Religion class (or better yet, take all of them). If you want to spend the rest of your life with that One Special Person, you need to be around LOTS of Special People.


Third question:

“Are you looking for a husband, for a boyfriend, or to meet people?”

If you’ll allow me to borrow from the “Tao of Pooh”, you need to just BE. See guys, while as a group are not very bright, ARE very perceptive about some stuff. If you come across to every guy you meet as desperate or pushy or whinny they’ll immediately turn off (at least those that are looking for a quality woman) because they’ll be afraid that if no one else wants you (and that’s exactly what you’re telling them when you’re desperate or pushy or whinny) that you’ll be a bad choice for them too.

So just be You. Kind, Faithful, Beautiful, Adorable You. Be the Real You, just not too obvious or in-their-face or fast. Guys are rarely in charge in a relationship, but we like to think we are.

Beyond that it’s tough to tell what you’re “doing wrong”, if anything, because we don’t know what you are or aren’t doing . . .

But let me say this: if you don’t know how now, learn how to demure a little and be a little flirty. Do the best with what you’ve got; knock their gosh-darned socks off!

Lastly, take heart, would you? I don't know that I'd call Single at 24 "perpetual".

- Bro Jo