Changing the "Boyfriend-Girlfriend" Culture

Dear Bro Jo,

I live in the sunny UK (It's not sunny at all ¬¬) and I have to say we do things a bit differently over here in regards to dating.

I was at a Stake Conference where one of the speakers urged us to date, as in ask a different person each time. The problem is, that in the culture over here we don't date, we go out. We do the whole Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing from a young age. I so far have managed to not date at all until I am 16, but the problem I have yet to figure out how to overcome is Going Out.

If you Go Out with someone you don't date anyone else right?

If you do, you're considered to be cheating on that person, at least over here.

So, if you date (even just once) a person, then date another, you are considered to be cheating.

Therein lays the problem. Guys will not consider dating me if I "cheat".

What do I do?

- Forced to "Go Out"


Dear Forced,

The UK culture, as far as dating, isn't much different than in the US (or anywhere, really) - I've been hoping someone would write and give me the opportunity to address the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing more clearly - Great Letter!

Hope you're doing well,

- Bro Jo



Bro Jo,

It actually is. I moved from southern Utah, and the difference is huge. I mean this in a nice way of course.

- Forced


Dear Forced,

I think the pull for the "Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing" is Universal (and I hate when parents think it's "cute" that their Toddlers are a "Couple" - careful parents, pairing up your children at a young age may come back to bite you). There are kids here, even LDS kids, that find themselves pairing up young, just like you said they do there . . .

Am I wrong?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Ok, maybe not; but what I'm trying to say is that in the area I live in, I could get hurt if I don't "Go Out"

- Forced


Dear Forced,

You mean "have a boyfriend", right?

What kind of "hurt"?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Ya, i mean have a boyfriend.

And hurt as in “beat up for being a two-timer” and a few other choice names I'm not gonna say, but that they would ¬¬

- Forced


Dear Forced,

OK. Thanks; the clarification helps. It’s important that we establish a “common vocabulary” so we can discuss the issues.

It’s actually one of my big frustrations in life, the confusion that our society (World Wide) has created by mixing up the terms “Going Out” and “Dating”. It’s a sad bit of Irony, I think that people say they’re “Going Out” when often it means that they’re not Going Anywhere . . .

Let’s take a moment here, Forced: you, me, and the other readers, to establish a Common Vocabulary. I’ll post this on the FaceBook Fan Page, and we can all consider it a Work in Progress, revising as we go.

Bro Jo’s RELATIONSHIP VOCABULARY

Dating – If a Couple says that they are “Dating” it means they are dating each other, and may or may not be Exclusive. If an Individual says that he or she is “Dating”, it just means that they like to go out on dates. For example, in the first one, if a girl said “Bob and I are Dating”, she’d mean that she and Bob go on Regular Dates. If she says “Now that I’m 16 I’m Dating” what she means is that she’s old enough to Go on Dates.

Date – That’s any Social Event where people have paired off. A Good Date requires, in my mind, that the Boy “Plan, Pick up and Pay”, because then both people are clear what’s going on. If 7 people all go to the same movie, and 4 of the kids pair off as couples, then for them at least, it’s a date, even if they’re 10 years old (parents, take note). Holding Hands, Hugging, Kissing, etc. does not have to happen for the time together to be considered a date.

Going Out / Going Steady / Going Together – Across Cultures and Generations these seem to be the phrases that Teens use to identify a Committed Relationship. I understand that Teens Pair Off, but I don’t recommend it, even if (and usually ESPECIALLY IF) the two kids seem to be Soul Mates. Neither the Break Up nor the Increasing Intimacy that are the inevitable result of the Committed Relationship are things, in my never humble opinion, that Teens should be dealing with. Because “Going Out” seems so universally to imply The Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing, if a Boy and Girl have plans for a Friday Evening and are NOT in a Committed (or Exclusive) Relationship, I think that they should say “So-and-so and I are GOING ON A DATE this Friday”, instead of using the phrase “Going Out this Friday”.

Boyfriend / Girlfriend – These terms should be used IF AND ONLY IF the couple has AGREED that they are Boyfriend and Girlfriend; that requires a conversation. Simply because he asked you on a Date does not make him your Boyfriend, nor does her holding your hand and kissing you goodnight at the door make her your Exclusive Girl Friend. She needs to realize he still has the option of asking out other girls, and he needs to realize that a girl who smooches him with no commitment may just as well smooch someone else tomorrow. And, YES, both of those scenarios are true both ways.

Cheating – You can’t cheat if there’s no commitment, but Teens (and YSAs) should realize that many people World Wide view things like Kissing as a Commitment, so be careful that you’re not doing things that will give the person you’re with the wrong impression. Also, and this is Very Important, Physical Intimacy (and I mean ALL OF IT, Kissing, Hugging, Holding Hands, Rubbing Noses, Sex, Whatever) is NOT what makes a Relationship a Commitment. You should never Require (or Be Required to participate in) Physical Intimacy as a form of solidifying a relationship. A Committed Relationship is in the Head and in the Heart; it’s a Specifically Communicated Thing. Get it?

(Readers: I'd love your comments on the Vocabulary. I'll post it on the FaceBook Fan Page in a couple days. I invite you to be part of the Discussion there as well)


As for your specific situation, Forced, if you REALLY live in an area where someone is going to cause you physical harm because you go out with a different boy once a month, then it’s best to hold off on going on Dates until you’re older or living in a safer area. No one, girl or guy, should go on a Date that will cause them fear of physical harm.

However, I suspect that the better solution to your problem is Communication.

Communicate your Beliefs and Standards to your friends, classmates and potential dates. Let them know why you want to wait until you’re older to have a serious Boyfriend. Explain to them that you believe that Going on a Date is a Fun, Casual, Get to Know You Better Activity and does not necessarily imply a commitment of any kind.

You’re not going to get physically intimate with your dates, right? Well your friends, classmates and potential dates should know that.

It’s not “Cheating”, dear Forced (and Other Readers) if there’s no commitment; implied, verbalized or otherwise.

Hopefully you’ll be able to discern who your real friends are, and those that respect you and your beliefs will be true friends indeed.

Start by talking to one or two good friends, even if they’re supportive of the Boyfriend-Girlfriend culture, telling them that while you’re not judging them, you don’t want to be judged either. You may find that they LIKE your Standards and Perspective.

- Bro Jo