The Road Not Traveled . . .

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm a junior in college and I'm looking towards going to grad school in the next year or two. Education has always been very important to me and I've always been good at it, so going to grad school seems to be the natural next step. The problem is that the schools I REALLY want to go to will require me to move to the other side of the US for several years. (There aren't any programs that fit my needs nearby)

While I don't have tons of guys falling head over heels for me, I do get asked out more than I thought I would at this point in my life. Most of the guys are really nice and I'm having a blast getting to know them better, but I feel that in some ways my plans of grad school are holding me back from things going further in my relationships. I go out with them a few times, and then we naturally part ways or I find some reason to be "too busy" (not hard to do with my schedule). Most of the time, I have no problem with it because it is obvious that there is nothing between us and we're better off friends. But, I've found one that I feel different towards (which I didn't expect).

He's on the older side of YSA and very established in the area. My mind keeps telling me to stop what is developing and keep distance between us since I'm so young and I'll be leaving in the not to distant future. I'm inclined to think that if something is meant to happen it will when I move back. Yet, the other part of me says that I might miss out on something great now. While I'm probably overreacting and it might not even last that long, I'm afraid if it does work out I'll end up choosing between him and my educational goals. This is new territory in my book, and I don't know what to think about it.

~Should I risk it?


Dear Should,

Education doesn’t stop just because we get married and have families. I went back to college (LDS Business College, to be exact) when I was 27, working full-time, and supporting my wife and (at the time) four children. A good friend of mine is back earning an advanced degree and he’s in his 30’s and his wife is expecting baby #7.

Are your Grad School Plans holding you back? Only if a guy has begged you to stay and you’ve said “no”. Or if you’ve kept guys at a distance because you’re afraid of getting too close.

There’s nothing wrong with a Sister going to Grad School. If the timing is right, I highly recommend it. But too many Members COMPLETELY ignore the advice of Modern Day Prophets who’ve clearly said not to put off a family for education or worldly pursuits; that goes for Guys and Girls.
So here you are. There’s a guy you really like and you’re pushing him away.

Can you take a little brutal math? First of all, you’re not THAT YOUNG. If you’re a “Junior in College”, then odds are you’re over 20, probably 21 or 22. If he’s “on the older side of YSA” that puts him under 30, and I’m guessing he’s probably closer to 27 or 28. That means that at most you’re 9 years apart, more likely you’re within 6 years of each other. Neither is a big enough distance (at this age) to preclude a relationship if the chemistry is right.

Sister, Love happens when we don’t expect it. That’s practically Text-book. You may not be “in-love” with this guy, but I think you owe it to the both of you to find out. If you don’t find out, you’ll always wonder “what if”.

And, No, you Absolutely Can Not bank on the fact that something might happen later if it’s “meant to be”. Put down the Fairy Tales, Briar Rose! Yeah, it could happen (I’ll confess that Sister Jo moved away – for about three weeks – to “help” me realize that I needed to propose, but the purpose of her move was to either get me to beg her to move back or to sever the connection and find another guy) but the likelihood is not very high. Odds are (and this is one of those things I write that no one wants to hear, even though it’s true) he’ll find someone else and you’ll stay single. You have no idea how many letters I get from Sisters who chose Education and Career OVER marriage, and are now single in their 30’s and regretting it.

If it does work out between you, the choice is clear: pick the guy. Even over the education.

You’re lucky. You’ve got time. Go ahead and apply to Grad School. See if something develops between you two this summer, move forward. If not, you’ll have your answer and can look for a different guy while you continue to pursue Grad School.

But don’t just sit around waiting for the clouds to part and a voice to call down from on high

“THIS IS THE ONE THAT THOU SHALT MARRY!”

If you’re interested, let him know. And let him know that if he’s interested in you, he’s got a deadline to meet.

- Bro Jo