Love vs. Lust

Dear Bro Jo,

I've recently gotten out of a relationship with a wonderful girl that I loved being with, and in which we cuddled, held hands, and kissed. After we ended our relationship I read a talk by President Kimball, Love vs. Lust, and I realized just how much of my relationship was lust misinterpreted as love.

Now I'm worried about getting a girlfriend because I fear that I may want a girlfriend for the physical aspect. I am worried that I may get a girlfriend that I like and enjoy being with, but with whom I'm not sure I could really hope for an eternal future. I just don't feel like I could date a girl for the physical relationship and not feel guilty for feeling like I am using her, even if she agrees to it. However, I know that I will have to have physical relationships to find a someone I might marry.

I'm a returned missionary at BYU, but I've only ever had one girlfriend. I go on a lot of dates, and I could get a girlfriend if I so desired, but I am just scared of having one for the wrong intentions. Because I've only had one girlfriend I am still lacking experience in the realm of boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Scared of Lust
(Provo UT)


Dear Scared,

President Kimball’s talk about Love vs. Lust is about Sex, not Holding Hands and Kissing, although the concept can still apply.

Being physically attracted and acting upon those feelings can be an Act of Love, depending on the attitude of the individual; you’re correct in that it all comes down to your intentions.

If your purpose in having a Girlfriend (or a wife) is for self-gratification, on any level, then you have the wrong attitude.

However, if your purpose elevating a person in your life from “Date” to “Girlfriend” (and from “Girlfriend” to “Wife”) status is because you really like her (meaning that you're Falling in Love with Her), because you think she might be the Right Woman to be the Future Mrs. Scared, Mother of Your Children and Eternal Companion, then make the upgrade!

I agree with and understand the concern that’s expressed about “too much kissing”, particularly at an age where Casual Dating should be the rule, but when we’ve reached Serious Dating age (and you, my Brother, are definitely there), Bro Jo thinks a little kissing is a Good Thing; in fact, I see it as part of the Courting Process; how do you marry someone you’ve never smooched?

I’ll go a slight step further: I think the Hormonal Drive that Men have towards Sex is part of Heavenly Father’s plan and design to encourage us to get married. While Sexual Attraction is NOT ENOUGH to base a marriage upon, nor enough to sustain a marriage, I think it’s important, particularly at the beginning of a marriage.

Sex, and the drive to have sex, can certainly blind the judgment, but the desire to consummate your relationship should be viewed, in my opinion, as a good thing that encourages couples to get themselves Nigh Unto The Temple.

So keep dating. If a girl piques your interest to the point of only wanting to spend more and more time with her, follow that instinct. Show her respect; treat her as the Daughter of God that she is; don’t do anything that tempts you to be un-Temple worthy; never pressure her or make her uncomfortable.

If you can stay within those guidelines, I say you’d be crazy not to hold her and kiss her!  (I'm like the old guy on the porch watching George Bailey tell Mary Hatch that he might kiss her - "Youth is wasted on the Young!")

If the physical feelings become too strong, either change your behavior, drop the relationship, or marry her.

- Bro Jo