When a Good Guy Goes Bad

Dear Brother Jo,

I know a boy that I've liked since last school year, but he has changed a whole lot because of some new friends he has made. He's not the same person I became friends with and has definitely lowered some of his standards. It hurts to see him do that, and I just want to get it into his head that what he's doing is dumb; but then, I understand you can't make a person listen to you by yelling at them.

I've tried to become better friends with him by sharing what common interests we still have and getting to know him more, but doing so gives me reasons not to like him. My problem is: I'm still attracted to him! Maybe it's because I still see what he once was, and my eyes are blinded by infatuation. I don't want to make it all sound like he's a total bad person--'cus he's not!

In ways, he has changed for the better. His priorities and focus are just blurred. When he talks to me sometimes, when all the tension of school/friends is gone, the person I love as a friend is still in there. I just want him to make better decisions for himself and remember that he holds the Priesthood--not owns it.

I don't know what to do--as a friend and girl who is attracted to a boy--to make him realize this. These things are mostly 'unsaid', but are still there. There are also a lot of things that I can do better, I have to admit. There is mutual attraction between us, and I sometimes get myself emotionally involved (to my frustration and annoyance). Although this is evident, some of his actions bring me to reality that we don't have any "ties''. From my point of view, he flirts a lot and can be fickle. But then I have to remember that he's just a 14 year old boy and we're not even 16 yet.

My mind is really just confused by his actions and what he says--and they say girls are confusing! I don't know why I still like him when he's making bad judgments and decisions; I know it is wrong to like someone like this (well, to me it is). As the saying goes:
“You marry who you date!" Of course I'm not dating him, but attraction leads to that and I don't want to be caught in the wrong. Usually when I meet someone I like that later does something to sour my views of them, my liking vanishes immediately; but for some reason I find myself holding on way too long this time, which is so unlike me.

Do you have any advice??

--A caring friend and infatuated GIRL


Dear Infatuated,

Hurts you? How do you think Heavenly Father feels when we lower our standards???

I think one

However, my bigger concern here is not the Boy that’s not Living up to Standards, its YOU. You’re only 14! WAY TOO YOUNG to be this hung up on anybody. You’re absolutely correct when you call yourself “infatuated”, but Vizzini, that word you keep using, I do not think it means what you think it means.

Let me help you put this together. This boy:

1) has made some bad friends
2) when you try to share common interests with him you like him less
3) he flirts a lot and is fickle
4) he makes bad judgments and decisions

Argue all you want, the only thing you seem to have left is Raw Physical Attraction, which, frankly, just ain’t enough in my book. So, as potential future dates and boyfriends go (which both you and I realize is a few years away, anyway) he’s just not qualified to be on the top of your list.

Don’t you see? It’s not just him that’s lowering standards, you are too.

Before you become of Dating Age, you need to address this compulsion you have to be attracted to guys that aren’t good for you, guys that you see as “projects”.

You’re not alone. It’s a compulsion that many women have. They date, even marry, guys thinking that they can “Change” them.

Maybe we are who we date. Maybe not. I don’t like the idea of defining yourself (or others) based entirely on whom you (or they) spend time with. Sister Jo and I spend LOTS of time together, but she’s very much her own woman.

I prefer the axiom that “You are who you are when you think no one is watching”. You’ve noticed that this boy acts differently when his “bad” friends aren’t around; I can’t help but wonder who he is when he’s alone?

Anyway, try this one on for size:

“Women marry Men hoping to change them; Men marry Women hoping they won’t change. Both are phenomenally wrong”

The best thing is that you’re realizing at an early age the warning signs and dangers of being attracted guys that are bad for you. So, Infatuated, the real questions are: “Why?” and “How do we prevent it?”

Sister Jo says that some girls date “bad guys” because they’re trying to rebel, to make some statement to their parents. She also says that some girls pick bad guys because they find the “danger” element exciting and attractive. Whatever your reason, I think it’s important that you a) identify it, and b) realize that those relationships just don’t ever seem to work out.

I think you prevent it by raising your own value in your own eyes, and take control of your own destiny. I think many girls date “bad guys” because they convince themselves that they can’t get dates with Good Guys. Realize that you’re a Daughter of God, and as such you deserve to be treated like a Princess and Placed upon a pedestal.

- Bro Jo