Six Great Questions

Dear Bro Jo,

Here I go. I warn you I have a lot of questions.
I've been reading your column for about a week and it sounds like you know what you're talking about. And I'm amazed how well you can make serious seemingly complicated subjects easy and even funny. Sometimes my roommates and I kinda disagree with you, but who's ever completely compliant?

I'll try to be brief, but I really do have a lot of questions. So I'll put it into an easy read format.

Background
I'm the youngest of five girls and my dad passed away a few years ago. I didn't really like guys until about the middle of high school. Up until then they were like a different species. I've only been on a couple of dates. One, for Senior Prom (I asked him, I know my bad) and a few up here at BYU-I with the same guy last semester (he asked me, just so you know). I've been terrified of guys most of my life. Mainly because they were always an "unknown" My thought process would be kinda of like this up until this semester, "I'm terrified he'll like me, I'm terrified he WON'T" It wasn't the guy, it was the actual "liking" part that was scary. I think I'm afraid to have very strong feelings for someone who's not going to eventually be my eternal companion.

Present
I'm much better now, just a bit timid. I'm social and outgoing. I've been taking time to look pretty, (and smell nice thank goodness.) I've been breaking my social habits and getting at least a few guy acquaintances on my own. Though I still think they're a bit odd. I'm constantly getting better at talking to them and stuff. Getting them to talk back when they're single is still a bit hard. It's much easier to talk to engaged guys as friends, they're a lot more open. I really want to date now because I'd always thought I'd date in college.

Now Questions

1.) Friend Dating
I over heard this guy up here say he that he hated girls who would date "just for fun." Because he's investing time and money to find a companion and they just wanted a free meal. Understandable, but that's exactly what my plan had been for this semester. I haven't dated near enough to know what kind of guy I want to marry. In other words, I'm probably only safe dating pre-mies. I'm not ready to get married, far from it. But I really really want to date and often without awkwardness. How to do it? You suggest searching for an eternal companion too at this point, but I'm simply not ready.

2.) Attraction
Does the arm touching thing really work? I've heard that advice from more than one source so I guess it does. But I kinda have a fear of being too forward cause I know guys hate that. My friend used in one of her classes and she says it works. But if it turns out I don't like the guy, I don't want him following me around like a puppy dog. Her description, not mine. I'm also scared of touching. Just touching. It shows a level of commitment and...I don't really understand it. Just for the record, I do like guys, I have plenty of crushes. I'm just timid about acting on them.

3.) Kissing
Don't really understand the appeal to this, but I'm virgin lipped so that's probably why. You suggest kissing on the second or third date. HELLO! Not ready. Is that what the guys expect? A little advice here? Also everyone talks about being a "good kisser." What the heck is that?

4.) The guy I went to prom with is also the same guy I've had "crinkles" with for a while. (Crinkle: also know as 5 min. crush. Not long lasting, apt to repeat several times while knowing other person) I asked if I could write him on his mission and he said sure. He's just graduating (my age, started a year late) and since I was up here I thought I'd write anyway. For practice. Three weeks. No letter. Give up? It might be good to know that our "date" was like awkward turtle having babies. But it was still fun. (yes, you're free to laugh)

5.) I'm also one of those very accepting personalities that'll probably be happy with practically any guy who'll love me back. I'm also very good at making good arguments for behaviors I might disagree with. This is bad I know, how can I avoid this? I believe that man is inherently good, and these behaviors aren't necessarily bad or evil. Just...different from mine. This fear is part of why I don't really want to get "too friendly" with guys.

6.) Last question I promise. If I do find that special someone. And at this point it's looking like it's going to be after college. I kinda always had this dream of running him by my dad for a final signature of approval. Girls dream of that kind of thing. For obvious reasons, he can't do that anymore. I have plenty of past YW teachers saying they'd do it, but it's not the same. Neither is running him by my Bishop, especially since he's a different guy every semester. I'll expect I'll already know that my fiancé will pass if I do run him by anyone, it's just...you know...a tradition to interrogate the potential groom. To make sure I'm not just twitterpatted or something IDK. I do have my dad's surviving family, a wonderful uncle and a grandpa. What do you think?

Sorry for the plethora of questions, but obviously I need "professional" advice.

 - Freshman in more Ways than One.


Dear Freshman,

I’m sorry to hear about your dad; brave man, father of five daughters and all . . .

I’ll bet he’s pretty proud of you.

Here’s my shot at your questions (though I’d never claim to be a professional!):

1) The guy you’re talking about doesn’t sound like much “fun” himself – the dude should relax. If he’s such a great catch, the girls that are out with him “for fun” will discover it and want more. You should feel free to date ANYONE you want to, Pre-mies (I like that phrase, BTW) or anyone else. Yes, you’re at the age where it’s time to start being open to an eternal companion, but, as you suggest, how are you going to find that person without dating? You’ll be ready when the right guy comes along; Love is often found when we stop looking.

2) Yeah, the Arm Touching Thing really works. (Readers, care to back me up on this one?) Sister Jo still uses it on me. Many guys do hate it when girls are too forward, and different guys will define what’s “too forward” differently, but (and I know a few of readers HATE these generalities, but you’re just going to have to get over it) the “too forward” things that guys complain to me about Most Often all fall into the category of not making the boy work for the girl’s attention. They are:
          a. Girls incessantly Calling (AND Texting, AND Emailing) them. Guys tend to think “if she’s so desperate for my attention, she must not have much value” – a total double standard, but true none-the-less.
          b. Prematurely confessing they’re feelings (girls don’t like it when guys do this either, right?); I know several boys who will take out any girl, but never the girl that follows them around.
          c. Asking the boy out. A guy may make out with a girl that does the asking, but he’ll rarely respect her. (I honestly believe that the guys that argue against this point are lying, at the very least to themselves)

3) Scientifically speaking, the lips are sensitive, so kissing produces a physiological response that many people in many cultures find . . . quite nice. To clarify, I did not say that dates MUST smooch by the 2nd or 3rd date (in fact, I do think it’s smarter for guys to not make any kind of move until at least the 3rd date, but we’re not all smart, are we?), and I’d never push you to kiss someone you’re not ready to kiss, but if you want to kiss him and he wants to kiss you and you’re at the stage in life where it’s Advisable to have Boyfriends and Girlfriends (meaning AFTER Casual Dating age), I can’t think of any reason not to. 

Mind you, that statement is in no way a “NCMO” endorsement – exactly the opposite. I agree with President Kimball’s comments on Lust vs. Love, but kissing your date goodnight at the door, if it’s mutual, is not a bad thing. 

What makes a good kisser? 

I HAVE NO IDEA! (although I’ve been told I’m quite good myself - bet you didn't want to hear that!) Convention argues that it’s a balance of things; by that I mean:
          a. Soft but not Mushy
          b. Firm but not Aggressive
          c. Moist but not Slobbery

  d. Lengthy, but not Suffocating

Stuff like that. I think it’s not so much a question of technique (although I understand that practice can help) as it is a question of mutual appreciation. (I’ll leave you to fill in the blanks on that)

4) Again, the term “crinkle” is excellent – I’ll have to use that as well! No, don’t give up writing: it’s a good art form to practice doing well. Perhaps a letter once a month or so, as long as you feel like writing. If you don’t hear back from him, stop. Missing your letters may get him to write. If it doesn’t, move on. 

(And, YES, I AM LAUGHING!)

5) When you’re looking for the “right” guy (or more accurately “A Right Guy”, not “the”) look for more than just him “loving you back”.
          a. Is he a worthy Priesthood holder?
          b. Does he have a job?
          c. Is he a hard worker?
          d. Does he cherish you?
          e. Do you love to talk to each other?

          f.  Do you have the same (or at least compatible) Goals and Dreams?

          g.  Will he support you, or is he banking on you supporting him?  (Bro Jo is VERY traditional about this one:  when I went back to school we had four children and I STILL worked enough hours a week to support my wife and family)

          h.  Do you love to spend time together? (and not just Kissing, but quality "non-physical" time)

Those are some of the things Bro Jo recommends that girls consider over and above just “love”. It’s OK, and Highly Advisable, to be more than just a little judgmental when considering an Eternal companion. This isn’t just a fellow parishioner; this is the guy that will Father Your Children – a little Judgment is well advised.

6) You can always run the guy by your Heavenly Father for approval, and you definitely should, but I understand the tradition you’re longing for. An Uncle, Grandfather, Older Brother, or long-time Family Home Teacher are all great substitutes. Heck, if you’re in the neighborhood, I’d be happy to give him the once-over, too!

I enjoyed the questions!

Let me share with you one last thought, from a father’s point of view: I pray every day that my daughters will each grow up and find a Good Man to Marry in the Temple. Not just a “Guy they Love” – that’s important, sure – but a Good Man. I dream of spending all Eternity with my Family, and I promise you that your Father feels the same.

- Bro Jo