Pavlov's Dog - Overcoming Conditioned Response

Reader’s Note: Dear Readers, the following letter and subsequent response are a bit graphic in nature. While the author suggested editing the letter if I felt it necessary, I’m of the belief that “Dear Bro Jo” readers are mature enough to handle sensitive subject matter.

That said, as with anything, if you find yourself uncomfortable with the topic, or uncomfortable reading this letter, please skip it.



Dear Bro Jo,

I agree with the Church's teaching on homosexuality and also with the advice that you have given and thank you for your frank counsel. It is great too have a place to be able to voice one's concerns and troubles and receive advice and answers that are open and honest and true. I have never attempted to write down my thoughts and feelings on the subject of same-gender attraction and hope that you won't mind if I give a bit of history of my situation to give you a clearer picture of the dilemma I face.

I am a young adult male and have found myself attracted to other males since I was about 14. I have tried to look back and see what brought these feelings about and have identified a few things that may have contributed: self consciousness about my physical appearance, which had me looking at other boys who were better looking or better built than me and wishing I was more like them; experimenting with the changes that puberty brings and linking my thoughts of the boys I wished I was like with the self gratification of masturbation; or there may even be something a little deeper rooted, like growing up without a father in the home; a father who never showed much love or interest in my life.

So, whatever brought these feeling about, I have always known that they were wrong and quite contrary to the gospel. But curiosity got the better of me and masturbation became a habit. Now it's interesting how you can try to justify things in your mind, and I had always respected females far too much to ever wish to view pornographic images of them, and I decided that being a male myself, looking at homosexual images was somehow a much lesser sin.

But, as you can imagine, those images disrupted my thought patterns and added to my habit. I think even the fact that what I was doing seemed so 'naughty' almost added to its enticement. I might add that my spirit remained sensitive enough that I could not allow myself to view pornographic material that depicted actual sex acts, but I still used what I did view as sexual stimulation for myself, so it still served the same purpose.

At the age of 16, one night while on a young men's camp I was approached by another young man who wanted me to kiss him and I consented. I didn't enjoy this experience but was still aroused by it. A year later it was me who approached an openly gay boy at my school because I was still very curious to experiment further.

We kissed, I hated it, but I still met him regularly over a few weeks. Twice he tried to take things further but I wouldn't allow it, and it did nothing for me anyway. He disgusted me; I was disgusted with myself. But these experiences didn't stop my fascination with homosexuality or masturbation.

It wasn't until a year later when I met a lovely young lady who I fell in love with that all of these desires went away. I always had a healthy attraction to the opposite sex and a desire for a relationship of respect and love. Marriage and family is one of my greatest desires. I dated this girl for 8 months and was free from sin the whole time.

I felt prepared to serve a mission and thought it wasn't necessary to bring up the past with my church leaders as it might only complicate things when I thought that there was no longer a problem there. The whole first year of my mission was wonderful. I worked hard, had the Spirit with me, was happy than I'd ever been and going well.

In the second year I had some trying times. Tough companions, less adherence to mission rules, news from home that my father had been sent to prison, and I gave in to old temptations.

Again, there's no excuses ever for sinning and it all comes down to my weak character. I had made promises to Heavenly Father in the past that I had broken and I guess after doing that a few times it gets easier and easier to give in.

Needless to say, the second half of my mission lacked the happiness and success I had seen in the first year. Still, I finish my mission and returned home with a resolve that I would make up for the mistakes I made on my mission by freeing myself once again from the habit of masturbation.

I dated the girl from before my mission but she had changed and there were far too many complications on her side, plus she was eager to marry right away and I wasn't ready, so we broke up, even after being engaged.

My post-mission resolve still lasted some time after that but would you believe, the same boy I had kissed at camp when I was 16 took me aside after a fireside one night to discuss his troubles with me. All my old feelings were brought to the surface and we ended up kissing.

I met with him twice more and as you can imagine was feeling lower than ever about myself. I couldn't believe I could stoop so low and that even after so long a time I was right back to where I started. I knew something had to be done. I couldn't just brush this aside. I needed to speak to my Bishop.

I told the young man of my resolve and he respected that, and although it took a while to work up the courage I eventually saw my Bishop. I told the Bishop of the boys I'd kissed before my mission and of my struggle with masturbation, but here is my dilemma: I didn't tell him I still felt attracted to males at times, or that I still will look up images of a homosexual nature.

He asked about pornography in connection with the masturbation and I didn't want him to get the wrong idea so I said it wasn't a problem. Also, because I don't desire a sexual relationship with another male - in fact that aspect is a real 'turn-off' to me - I didn't feel it was really correct to tell him I was 'gay'.

He counseled me basically to go away and sin no more. I did feel relieved that I had been able to unload some things I'd been holding in for years but I wasn't fully free since I hadn't been completely honest. I had resolved that speaking with the Bishop would be the turning point in my life, but after some time I gave in once again, almost using the fact that my confession wasn't complete as an excuse to continue indulging in sin since a miss was as good as a mile.

And now we are up to date. I have a healthy attraction to righteous young ladies and am eager to find the one that I can take to the Temple. I can control my thoughts most of the time, but every now and then when I am idle at my computer I will look up some images, which then lead to masturbation. I then feel awful and pray for forgiveness and then last a few weeks before that same cycle is repeated.

I am faithful in my church callings and I even attend the Temple every now and then when I feel I am doing better. I date girls and am not disgusted when I have kissed a girl as I have been with males. I have high ideals and would never wish to hurt a young woman. I would want to guard their virtue and chastity above all else, and yet I can't do the same for myself.

*I don't know if I need to see the Bishop again or if this is something I can sort out between me and Heavenly Father?

* What steps can I take to ensure I don't fall into the same traps again?

* How can I stop myself from being attracted by other young men?

* Should I speak to anyone else about my problems (my mother for example)?

* How can I eliminate habits like masturbation more effectively?

I'm sorry I wrote such a lengthy history. I should've planned it out better instead of just letting my fingers and thoughts run away.

It's interesting, but being a counselor in the Elder's Quorum Presidency, I have been supporting two members of our quorum who are struggling with Word of Wisdom addictions by taking them to the Addiction Recovery Program in a neighboring Stake. I think that is what got me thinking more about what constitutes an addiction and that I was probably in need of the program as much as, if not more than they were.

Those attending the program are aware that I have been attending purely as a support person and I would feel very embarrassed to now admit that I have addictions of my own.

Maybe I can work at overcoming that.


Many thanks,

A Brother in Need

P.S. I you feel there are issues brought up in the email that others could benefit from but feel that it is too detailed or inappropriate to be posted on your blog, would you like me to edit it in anyway so that it could be more suitable for that purpose?

Or, you may feel free to edit yourself in anyway to make it more appropriate. It's up to you. If it is posted I would prefer you not to use my name of course. Thanks



Dear Brother,

It's a brave letter, and I agree that you could be helping many, so let’s give it to the readers as is.

Ever hear of Pavlov? He was the Novel Prize winning scientist that conditioned dogs to drool by ringing a bell every time he fed them.

Not to be too crass, but you’ve done the same thing, Ivan. You’ve conditioned a response. In order to break the habit you need to remove the stimuli.

That’s not Bro Jo talking, that’s Science.

It’s not that you’re attracted to Other Men; it’s that you’ve conditioned a Sexual Response when you see certain images or do certain things. You yourself talk about how awful you feel, how disgusted with yourself, how what you’ve done is really just part of a pattern of self-gratification . . .

Friend let me say this: Yes, you need to talk to your Bishop. Now.

You haven't really repented if you keep important details to yourself. You need to come clean to be made clean.  Given your calling you may actually need to talk to your Stake President.  Either way, don't hesitate.

Pornography and Masturbation are life long addictions - you'll always have to battle them, but they are things that can be overcome.

You'll need help to conquer these temptations, and your Bishop is the best resource. You need to remove the possibilities for temptation. Perhaps only use your computer in a public space, or maybe get rid of it all together. I know a few people (not just guys) that have had site blockers put on their computers by others, and then just dealt with the fact that they don't get to use them very often.

You need to realize that your addictions are like alcoholism. You’re already helping others with The Church’s excellent Addiction Recovery program, and it sounds like you’ve begun to realize the help it may provide you. If you were an alcoholic, you'd understand that to beat the demon you'd need to stay out of bars and away from places where alcohol is served and sold, including the homes of some friends. Well, Brother, you need adopt the same attitude here.

Fear, Embarrassment, and Loneliness are very powerful tools that Satan uses to keep us away from repentance and from the Savior. Ask yourself this: Why has the Lord given you this opportunity? Why are You the one driving these brethren?

I think it's exactly as you said – the Lord is providing you testimony and opportunity.

We worry that as part of our repentance process there will be judgment and speculation from our fellow parishioners, and (I hate to say it) but we’re right. It IS possible that your Bishop or Stake President may feel inspired to have you released from your calling or to have you endure some form of Church discipline as part of the repentance process; and it is the nature of people to talk and speculate.

Not all people, but some.

I wish it weren’t true. ALL of us, in some way or another, are sinners. ALL of us are in need of the Savior’s atonement; it’s why I believe Jesus’ point about “casting the first stone” is so poignant. But some people will talk. And rumor. And guess.

That, Brother, is Their Problem. Not yours. Never let the sins of others (like “Judgment and “Gossip”) keep you from resolving things with the Lord, keep you from the Grace and Glory of His Gospel and Presence.

Whatever you have to do to repent, no matter how long or difficult it may seem, I promise will be worth it.

How great and joyous a feeling it will be for you to know that you’ll be able to stand in the Celestial Room of the Temple, to stand at the Judgment Bar of the Lord knowing that sin is past!

If you feel that talking to others will help you to overcome your addiction, then by all means do. In Alcoholics Anonymous (which the Church Addiction Recovery Program very closely mirrors) an essential part of the program is to have a Mentor that can be there to help sustain and strengthen you when you feel weak; when you feel tempted. My advice is that whomever you tell be someone that is NOT a love interest or potential temptation.

To better fight the temptations of masturbation you need to follow the principles of “Standing in Holy Places”. Recognize the times, situations and locations that find you weakest. Many have found that some things that help them are:

  • Don’t stay up late.
  • Be aware of Depression.
  • Be physically active. Run, bike, play sports.
  • Limit computer use to daylight hours and public places.
  • Eat Healthy.
  • Have Good Friends
  • Keep Scriptures nearby. Open them when ever the feelings come upon you.
  • Pray. Often.

Hang in, and know that our Savior loves you, I know you can overcome this!

- Bro Jo