Hold the Door

Dear Bro Jo,

I am seventeen and without a lot of dating experiences under my belt, so I was confused when I read something in a book about dating. It’s called Mars and Venus on a Date. I can’t recall the author’s name. He’s a relationship/marriage councilor. Anyway, his book is about the different stages of a relationship, and in the first stage (attraction) he talks about a courtesy that seemed backwards to me.

Here’s the scenario: A guy asks a girl out on a nice date. He goes to pick her up and walks her to the car door, opens it, and helps her in. He closes the door and walks around the car.

My initial thought is that it’s only right that the girl unlocks his door for him if it isn’t already, but the author said that she shouldn’t. I didn’t quite understand all of his reasoning, but it had to do with a guy being happy to fulfill the girl’s needs. By giving back to him, the girl has decreased her attractiveness- or something to that degree.

So what are your thoughts on this? Ought the girl to unlock the door or not? As a young woman, I know how I want to be treated, and it only seems fair if I return the courtesy. By doing things like that, does a young woman hurt her chances at a relationship with a guy?

Miss Manners


Dear Miss,

The book is one of a series by John Gray, and they're not bad, but they're geared to a more worldly and slightly older set of folks, so I don't typically recommend them for LDS Teens (or Young Single Adults).

The scenario is partially correct. If he's locked himself out she should help him, but other than that Dr. Gray is right, she shouldn't do anything. At best it's emasculating (the worst being when a girl leans all the way over and opens the door for him from the inside, going so far as to push it open as far as her arm will stretch), but it can result in the girl stepping down off the pedestal he's trying to put her on (upon which she, in many ways, should demand to be placed).

And for many guys that makes her less special, and less of a challenge, and, yes, can make her less attractive (we value more that for which we must work to achieve). For other guys that makes her more . . . "attractive" is the wrong word . . . and "sexy" has the wrong connotation . . . but guys can get turned on by girls who make themselves "accessible" . . .

I don't mean to imply that simply open her own door means that a girl is slutty, but everything a gal does that means that a guy has to work less to (forgive me, but there's not a better way to put it) "earn" her (which can range from "as a companion" to "marriage") the more value to him (and others) she'll have.

(There's actually a Bro Jo Facebook Fan Page Discussion on this subject. Check it out by clicking HERE.)

Haven't you ever watched "Johny Lingo"?

Same thing.

Now, as if relationships weren't complicated enough, not many guys are interested in women who can't do anything for themselves, either.

I think the key is that a girl needs to let a guy be "the man" in certain situations, like providing and protecting (you can still clean his clock at sports, video games and chess) AND he wants to be appreciated for those provisions and protections.

Don't think of it as complicated.

Think of it as fun!

- Bro Jo