I was a big time play boy 6 months back and the place where you are I use to stand and give advice. But now I need it. Please, Help me out.
I am from India and 6 months back I left all my girls and became single. Then, in month of September I met a girl and I truly loved her. I proposed her and we were into relationship for 1 months and 18 days.
Then she dumped me and she hates me a lot today.
The reason she gave me for break up was that her sister told her parents and it was tough for her to continue. And as I was in love with her, I told her the way I was before when we were in relationship and when we were in relationship. It never seemed like we would break up. Now whenever I meet her we just walk like we don't know each other and keep on moving on the streets.
She is still single and our break up was done on 26th November, 2009.
Bro Jo, I really really love her and I want her back. Please help me out how to get her back. Which ever details you want I can give it to you. Sometimes I feel like just ending all this by dieing but I don't think that's the right way as I still have hopes. Please help me out mate - please!
With lots of hopes,
(name withheld)
Dear NW -
I understand your pain, but suicide is never an acceptable choice.
I don't know what you mean by "big time play boy", and I kind of don't want to know, but it sounds like your previous relationships have come back around to haunt you (we call that "karma", right?).
Let's clarify: this woman broke up with you because her sister told her parents about you and they don't approve. Is that right?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Yes, according to her this is the reason. Please help me dude please!
- (NW)
Relax, my Brother; help is on the way.
:)
One step at a time.
Why do you think her parents don't approve?
- Bro Jo
I think because, I have caught her sister taking drugs and since then she has started doing back bitching about me to her parents and also she bitched about me to her even when we both were on. I actually don't know what she has bitched about me so I have no idea about it.
When you get married, in just about every culture I know, you don't just marry the girl, you become a part of the family as well.
It sounds to me like you're guessing; what you need to do is Talk.
To the parents first.
Possibly to the sister.
And eventually to the girl.
You need to go to her parents and express your feeling for their daughter to them. Tell them you sense that they disapprove of you, and humbly (and I do mean Humbly) as why. Be prepared to apologize and ask for help.
Let's take that step next.
Let me know how it goes.
- Bro Jo
I m still 18 brother and marriage over here is done after 25. Are you sure talking to her sister and her parents will work out???
Hey, you're the one that said you proposed already! My mistake for thinking you were actually Old Enough! (No Wonder she broke it off . . .)
If you thought there'd be some magic formula or some "line" you could drop on the girl, they don't exist. Communication is the key. If you'd like her back, man up and talk to her folks.
No guarantees, but at least then you'll know where you stand.
That said, given your age, I think you're too serious about this girl. At this point in life you shouldn't be that serious about anyone.
I say "move on" and get back to Casual Group Dating with your buddies.
- Bro Jo
I think the second option is the best. My buddies also told me the same thing. But can you tell me how much time it will take for me to get her out of my mind. If you can suggest me some ways then please do so brother.
It will take more time than you want it to.
That's the only guarantee I can give you.
The pain may never totally go away, but it will get better over time. I promise.
The best way to get over her is to keep doing what you're supposed to be doing, and that includes all the Primary Answers (Prayer, Scripture Study, attend Sacrament and your other Church Meetings) and Casual Group Dating. It sounds like you've got a good group of friends . . . put some Group Dates together! You should be going out at least once a month and rotating which girl is your date each month. Check out "Bro Jo's DATING RULES for TEENS" and be patient. It takes time.
- Bro Jo
PS - I'm an advocate of Short Engagements, so I don't think you should propose to anyone that you're not prepared to marry Very Soon. I suggest you take a little more time (once you're old enough) finding a Good Woman and not propose again until you're at the right stage in life.
7 comments:
I know you advocate short engagements, and I completely agree with you, but how long is too long? My boyfriend and I are thinking about getting married this summer, maybe July. We can't do it any sooner because of school. What are we supposed to do?
You could do it sooner.
If you're both worthy, you could begin the Temple Preparation Class this Sunday (see your Bishop for details) - if neither of you have been before - two classes a week, that's 3 weeks, interview with your Bishop and Stake President . . . a Temple Sealing in under a month is not unrealistic.
So you could get married in March during Spring Break. . .
Or May when school's out for the Summer . . .
Or any Friday or Saturday between the end of February and . . .
So the first thing you need to do is be honest about why you want to wait until July; "can't do it any sooner" doesn't fly.
Now, you may have some understandable wants, some issues to clear up, or just have always wanted a July wedding . . . all separate issues with various degrees of validity and importance.
If that's the case, then the answer to your question is:
1) realize it's not an engagement until he's proposed (that should happen after you've met each other's families, and had some very serious talks)
2) read "Bro Jo's Five A's of Why NOT to Marry" http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=165378325084
3) have those talks I mentioned in #1. Topics include: how he's going to support you financially, plans for finishing your educations, when you're going to start having children (which I think should be right away), where you'd both like to live, what your goals are for retirement, things that drive you crazy about room mates you've had in the past (get the idea?)
4) keep busy with good stuff - wedding plans, Temple Classes, housekeeping preparation, school
5) pray regularly as a couple, making sure that you focus on Heavenly Father and asking for the help you each need, now and into the future
6) the closer it gets to the wedding, the less time you should spend together un-chaperoned (seriously. keep the temptations to a minimum.)
7) work a lot, especially him, to earn the money you'll hope to have, and STAY OUT of DEBT! (or at least get rid of as much debt as you can, and don't get into any new debt)
I'd start with that stuff.
- Bro Jo
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it and those are all good things, some of them we're doing already.
I do feel compelled to defend myself, however. You can be a little bit patronizing. The primary reason we can't get married is because he will lose his scholarship if he moves out of where he's living (it's part of the program he's in) and we could avoid a lot of debt. He's also graduating and needs a job to support us, which is a lot easier said than done. I have a contract in the dorm I'm living in and I'm away from my family and all of my relatives live out of state and I want them to be at my wedding, which will be a lot harder with less notice.
It's also necessary for us to stay in this particular little town because of my scholarship (how could I justify giving up full-tuition?) and it's really expensive here, making a definite plan even more essential and more logistically difficult.
And I'm not some dingy girl, I know it's not an engagement without a proposal. He's not asking without a plan, ring, etc., we decided that.
Thank you again, those are all great things to think about. I was just felt you were assuming a bit.
Patronizing?!?
Me?!?
Nah . . .
Seriously, thanks for the kind words. And I AM happy for the both of you . . . but, again, it's not that you "can't" . . . right?
Own your decisions!
Which is not to say that you don't have good reasons for waiting another couple months, you do.
(of course you didn't share those the first time, so I had to cover all the bases - assumption can be a LARGE part of what I have to do - for you and any future writers, please note that if you email me - dearbrojo@gmail.com - it's easier for us to correspond and for me to get the details that will better help me tailor an answer to your question - than comment posting - but that's fine, too)
One thing I picked up on in your response was that you both seem to have an understanding that marriage takes WORK, and you're both willing to do the work - that's a Good Sign, and a Very Big Deal.
Now, if you want to discuss why you felt the need to be defensive . . .
Perhaps another time.
:)
- Bro Jo
PS - For the record, while I recommend that couples keep their engagements to under 3 months, that's only a general recommendation. I'm also trying to make the point that anything over 6 months is too long. Really, at that point, just what exactly are people waiting for? (Typically it's something worldly, or fear, or uncertainty, or some other societal or Satan influenced thinking or emotion.)
A marriage isn't about timing, money, convenience, the dress, the reception, who can or can't make it to the ceremony . . .
It's about beginning your eternal lives together, about starting a family.
I'm not saying this pertains to you, simply using your letter as an opportunity to point this stuff out to everyone.
the situation:
you get home from your mission you fall in love with a girl. the girl doesnt have a real strong testimony. but you want to marry her. you have three options..
A) you go ahead and marry in the temple and risk rocking her world cause her testimony aint that strong
B) you aint and try and prerapre her for the temple but knowing sexual sin is a hard thing to not do
C) marry civially and then work twoards the temple...
what do you think Bro Jo?
Dear Anon -
My hope is that a return missionary was involved enough in the Lord's work that he realizes the value of an Eternal Marriage, and the struggles in a part-active family.
That said, my answer may depend on what you mean by "fall in love with her" and "girl doesn't have a real strong testimony".
If she's Temple Worthy and active, then it seems to me that she has a testimony of lots of stuff. The strength issue may be your problem, not hers.
It's not your job to "prepare her for the Temple", she has to do that for herself. I suggest speaking with her about eternal marriage and it's importance to you. If it's not important to her, move on. If she shares your feelings, and the Spirit so moves you, propose and begin taking the Temple Preparation Classes together.
If neither of you are Temple worthy, and the choice is Civil Marriage or continue being unworthy, then I say get married.
HOWEVER, and this is a BIG HOWEVER, you run the risk of confusing lust with love when you're having sex before marriage (which, despite what so many say, is more often the case than not) so I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the "NO SEX LOVE TEST": prove to each other that it really is love by going without from now until the honeymoon, minimum 60 days.
If you make it, you'll know it's love.
If you can't, well . . . at least you'll find out before you make a commitment you're not going to keep.
- Bro Jo
To the previous writer and his girlfriend -
I received your reply comment, and would like to respond to you in a confidential way rather than post my response here at this time.
Please email me at:
dearbrojo@gmail.com
You have my assurance that unless you say otherwise, our discussion will remain between us (although I should remind you that I keep no secrets from Sister Jo).
- Bro Jo
Post a Comment