Letting Go

Dear Bro Jo,

Me and my friend are 18.

We both have amazing boyfriends but we have some problems we can’t figure out.

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost a year and are pretty serious and we are planning on getting married. the only problem is that he is getting ready for his mission and he is starting to act really different. he is starting fights with me and is making a lot of drama between us which is hard if he is getting ready to leave. how can i stop this?

Second my friend also has a boyfriend n' they've been going out for a year and a half almost. her boyfriend is moving next month and they were planning on getting married until he got back from house hunting last week. he all of a sudden was telling me and one of her other friends that he wanted my friend to move on when he left and that he was going to try to make amends with a girl that he used to like and who caused 2 break-ups between them. he's still 17, and his parents grounded him so my friend can't really talk to him.
But he still says that he loves her and wants to do anything to make her happy. he says he doesn't wanna' break up, but then he also says that she needs to move on when he moves n' that he doesn't know if he's going to look for her after his mission anymore. she wants to know if there's anything she can do to save their relationship? (n' her boyfriend also said he has really good news for her on Christmas but she doesn't know yet)

Thanks,

(names withheld)


Dear Friends,

Well! A Two-for-One!

I think you both know the answers to your problems, but you don't want to face what you know is true . . .

So let me spell it out: your relationships are over. At least for now. (And that's a good thing.)

Some couples indeed end up back together when a guy comes home from his mission, but it's rare. People change over time, and when they're separated for a long period of time (like, say, two years) and don't get to witness each other changing it can be very difficult to adapt. That's why I say that couples should not "stay together" over a mission; it's not fair to either person, even if that's what you both think you want. Separate now and if you're both available and interested when he gets back, date then. But you shouldn't live like a nun until then. Too many sisters have let good men get away only to find that the one they're "waiting" for is not a good match when he comes home.

And I think ultimately that's why you boyfriends are struggling. They're going away (one on a mission, one moving) and they're torn between hanging on to something (and someone) good and doing what they should do, which is to let go and move on.

And the two of you are making things much worse than they need to be. Whether it's by fighting or by telling you about other women, these guys are trying to give you a clue: it's over, move on!

None of you should be this serious at your age, anyway. Recipe for disaster, if you ask me (and, let's face it, you did).

OK, I'm going to put my Harsh Hat on: you, and way too many young sisters just like you, are making the mistake of allowing your individual worth to be defined by the men (or, in your cases, boys) in your lives. Having a Boyfriend does not make a girl prettier or more valuable, so stop defining yourselves in this way!

You have value simply because you exist! Simply because you're a Daughter of God!

Tell your friend that if her boyfriend's surprise is anything akin to a Promise Ring (I hate those, by the way) to kindly and gently turn it down. She's too young to be "promising" anything, especially to a boy who's moving away and will likely be dating someone else anyway.

DON'T YOU YOUNG WOMEN UNDERSTAND WHY A GUY WANT'S TO MAKE SOME TYPE OF COMMITMENT BEFORE HE MOVES OR GOES ON A MISSION?!?

Because he's afraid! He's looking for some way to turn you into his Security Blanket / Consolation Prize. By tying you down, by keeping you unavailable, he's making it easier for himself in case other plans don't work out.

Now, you may ask "how is that different than marriage or when a man goes away to serve in the military?", and that's a great question.

A marriage is an Actual Commitment (and a Temple Marriage is an Eternal one) between two people who are (supposed to be) prepared to stick to and honor that commitment (which none are ready to do - and that's OK!).

When a person goes away for military service they have the same relationship challenges that exist between a missionary and someone back home. Engagements are very difficult to keep over a long deployment, and I don't recommend them in those situations, either. If the couple is already married, then there's a stronger commitment and bond; still a struggle, but a bit easier to overcome. The big difference between a mission and military service is that a typical soldier's relationship doesn't pull focus from what he's sent to do. In fact, dreaming of "the girl worth fighting for" often helps him, whereas a missionary pining over his fiancé or girlfriend typically fails to do well. That worked 50 years ago, not so much now.

None of that may be what you want to read, but I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you what I really think.

Kiss the boys on the cheek. Wish them well. Tell them to consider you when they've come home from missions if you're still single.

And move on.

- Bro Jo