Moving On

Dear Bro Jo,

I really appreciate your honesty and would like some advice with my situation.

I had a boyfriend in High School and we dated for over a year - practically spending every moment with each other. He was my best friend. I realize that this was a mistake, I couldn't see it at the time, but there's no way to reverse it and I don't think I'd want to change the moments we had together. Anyway, he’s a year older than me in school and when the time came for him to go to college for a year and then on to his mission we realized we needed to break it off but we still wanted to be friends.

First of all, after 4 months it's still really hard for me. I always seem to be on the edge and I cry a lot... I know, pathetic. But he seems to be perfectly fine with the whole thing. I know there's a gender difference there haha but is there something wrong with me that I'm still having emotional issues with the whole thing when I know it's for the best... and how do I get over that? People talk about "getting over" someone but I don't feel like I ever want to "get over" him. I always want to be his friend and always want to love him. I want the best for him. So are my emotions purely selfish? Because I really just want him to be happy.

Second, I'm having a great time dating this senior year of high school and meeting new people and guys and I think we made the right decision. However, my heart still belongs to him. I'm always thinking about him and when I go out with someone I subconsciously am comparing the two. I know that's probably wrong but I don't mean to. I'm also worried about next year when he's on his mission and I’m at college. There was a point when he asked me to wait for him and I agreed whole-heartedly. Now we both see the foolishness in that. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. On the other hand, all I can think about is how wonderful of a husband he would make and how much I want to be with him. How can I keep an open mind now and in college?

Third. People keep telling me there's no way I can feel love in high school. I want to disagree with them. I love him so much. I want the best for him. And I feel like no matter what happens in the future, I will always love him. Is this possible? What are you thoughts on this? I didn't mean for such strong/confusing emotions to come before I was out of high school, but they did...

Fourth. Where's the line between being a good friend and letting him live his life at college? I know he still wants to be there for me and support me but I also know he has his own life to live. I don't want him to feel like he has to be here for me and I don't want to be annoying while he's trying to live his life. How much is too much to call him up and ask him how he's doing, or to invite him somewhere when he comes down some weekends? How can I support him and be a good friend without being overwhelming? I don't want to just let him go and there's no way for me to forget about him. Is that selfish? Also, we never talk like we used to. I don't know, I just feel like I'm losing my best friend. Or worse, will we never be close friends the same again?

Am I being stupid about this? :)

Thank you for listening to me ramble :) Please be a brutal as you want.

- No Name


Dear NN,

I'm sorry I'm just now getting back to you, but here we go.

First, I wouldn't say that your emotions are selfish; you feel how you feel, and what you have to say doesn't sound as though it's all about you. It's OK to cry, in fact I think it can be pretty therapeutic. If you're crying uncontrollably all the time, that may be a deeper issue. You may not really "get over" this guy and this relationship until you replace it with something (or someone) else, and you need to know that's OK too. As long as you're open to other possibilities eventually you'll find someone (preferably not a serious relationship until you’re a little older). All thing, and I do mean ALL, heal with time.

Second, it's Very Good that you're dating other people, and also very normal that you're comparing guys to each other; that's what Dating is about! We date so we can learn what type of person we might like to spend a Very Long (think "eternity") with. To keep an open mind just keep doing what you're doing: meeting people, going on dates, and staying positive.

Third, of course you can feel love in High School! The idea that you can't is totally ridiculous. I don't think High School aged people should get into serious relationships, but you can certainly fall in love. Just remember that there's no such thing as only one person for each of us. Just as you've fallen for this man, you will fall again. And, while the timing may not be right now, who knows . . . maybe you will end up together (remember also that statistically it just isn't very likely, so don't stop dating others!)

Fourth, there is no line. A Good Friend will let him live his life at college. And a Smart Girl will realize that his being OK with the breakup may mean that she needs to realize it's over and he's moved on. You shouldn't be calling him or inviting him to go anywhere. You can return a call. You can write a letter (not an email, an actual in-an-envelope-with-a-stamp letter). You can suggest to him when he visits that, if he's a Smart Boy, he take you out on a date. Encourage him to pursue you, don't pursue him, unless you intend to either be taken advantage of or considered annoying.

You're not being "stupid" at all, but you may be a bit blind to what's a very natural part of life and relationships. As painful as it may be, I'm sorry, but it just seems to me like he's moved on, and I think you should too.

Perhaps he'll change his mind. Perhaps he won't. But you've got too much going for you to not be happy.

- Bro Jo