Dear Bro Jo,
Beginning with "Hi, my name is ______"
It's usually clear that the guy is responsible for asking out the girl. From your note Bro Jo's Levels of Relationships, Level 1: Introduction - Boy meets girl, it seems the guys are responsible for making contact.
Why isn't it Girl meets Boy? What are your thoughts on this? Starting up a conversation is long before any dates are being planned, although most initial motives for going up to talk to someone in the dating age range is based off of first impulses of attraction leading to wanting a date or a phone number. Who should, if anyone, be responsible for taking the lead?
Sincerely,
Caught in a deadlock
Dear Caught,
Men are Responsible for taking the lead.
It's Doctrine. (Women don't have to be sealed here, we do.)
But more than that, it plays to the needs of men and women on a very basic level: Men need to Provide and Protect (and be appreciated for that) and women want to be Provided for and Protected.
Sure, that may sound old fashioned, and yes there are guys who want to be pursued and girls who think that a man providing and protection is somehow a negative comment on their ability to think and care for themselves, but I believe quite the opposite. My wife is anything but helpless (easily one of the strongest, most intelligent, independent women I've ever met) and while I (like, in my opinion, All Men) like, and need, to be appreciated, there was more than one High Quality woman that I shied away from because I found her over aggressiveness demeaning (and a little frightening).
More directly to your question, though, I think BOTH single men and single women need to be more actively seeking a Big "E" Eternal Companionship.
There's nothing wrong with either sex approaching the other and striking up a conversation. And frankly my dear brother, you could all stand to increase your flirting skill and frequency several notches. Some of you flirt less than your Grandparents do with each other. (Perhaps that's why they're parents and you're still single, eh?)
As far as You're concerned: Take the Lead!
Oh, and lest you think I didn't notice: You're Totally Off Base when you write that "starting up a conversation is long before any dates are planned" - are you kidding me??!?
See, this is where so many of you fall down. You think you have to be "best friends" with a woman before you take her to a movie or dinner or . . . anything. Just exactly what do you think Dating is??!?
A date is not a Pre-proposal Interview, Dinner is not what we do so we have an excuse to make out in the car, and (especially sisters need to read, re-read, memorize and tattoo this on their souls) ONE GOSH DARNED DATE IS NOT AN EXCLUSIVITY CONTRACT!
Dates are how we get to know an individual (and ourselves) better.
Here's my challenge for you: today is Wednesday, ask a girl out for this Friday that you barely know. She doesn't have to be Magazine Model Pretty or Skinny (which, by the way, is ALWAYS artificial anyway - photographers were airbrushing photos long before Photoshop was invented), she doesn't have to be your Ideal Woman (and let's face it, who is?) but ask her out. Some girl from work, some girl from school, some girl you sit next to on the bus.
And then next weekend have a date lined up with a different girl. And the following take out relative stranger number three, unless one of the two previous girls strike you as particularly exciting.
Young Single, post-mission LDS Guys should be setting a target of 50 dates per year, and for you it should be easy (I know whoyou are, and I know where you live - Facebook is scary that way) - you just need to stop making excuses; stop looking for reasons not to make a move. Get off the Relationship Sofa you Couch Potato!
Have fun,
- Bro Jo
PS - Remember that Girls find Confidence attractive; that's another reason to make the initial move. Even if you don't feel (or come across as) that confident, you'll get credit for the effort.
Readers: You can jump to the Note that is mentioned at the beginning of this letter by clicking HERE.
6 comments:
'It's Doctrine. (Women don't have to be sealed here, we do.)'
This doesn't seem right to me at all. I would think that both men and women need to be sealed to gain exaltation - and if after we've given our best efforts we are unsuccessful in achieving it, we will have the opportunity after this life.
Would you (or anyone else) be able to share with me quotes/scriptures which explain this clearly?
Thanks! :)
Sure, Craig. It's very simple.
Start with Doctrine & Covenants 131, and then realize that since there are millions of Celestial worthy women on this planet, and that culturally its men who are supposed to do the pursuing, wooing and asking, and you'll quickly realize that no LDS man who isn't being remarkable superficial can get through this life without having had "the opportunity" here.
- Bro Jo
Yes, I'm very familiar with D&C 131; and I do agree that men who don't take advantage of their opportunities in this life will lose eternal blessings - Alma 34:33 and the parable of the talents come to my mind.
But you haven't addressed my question.
I remember you saying on your blog here that you get letters from women who delayed marriage in their early years, and now have grown to regret their decisions. These are probably women who had been courted and wooed by worthy priesthood holders, but may have found some superficial flaw in those men, which led them to turn down their marriage proposals. If these women don't get any other marriage prospects, do you think that they had 'the opportunity' as well?
And what about women who are so discouraged by dating that they decide to not allow themselves to be courted? They end up living great lives and are happily single, but they never give themselves a realistic chance of being married. Would they perhaps miss out on eternal blessings too? Or do they qualify because 'women don't have to be sealed here'?
Craig,
I honestly don't know.
I don't get into Gospel Guessing very much.
I do think that when it comes to finding an eternal companion many of us work very hard against our own happiness.
- Bro Jo
Agreed. The final judgment is the Lord's. And we all get in the way of our own happiness.
But it doesn't make sense at all to me for a woman who finds superficial flaws in every suitor that comes along to walk straight into the celestial kingdom. I believe, just like the men who don't put forth the effort, the women who don't make finding an eternal companion their highest priority may not receive the reward they thought they would get.
I'm sure the Lord is perfectly chivalrous, but I'm also sure that He expects His daughters to make the effort as well as His sons.
Surely you would agree with that?
Everybody is supposed to "make an effort", Craig . . . the real question is, why are you so focused on this?
Since neither of us is (thankfully) in the position of who "gets in" and who doesn't, all we need to focus is on our own effort.
(And its our responsibility to teach our children what's right.)
- Bro Jo
PS: Oh, and I wouldn't call the Lord "chivalrous"; I'd say He's fair, honest and merciful.
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