Dear Bro. Jo,
I have a somewhat confusing question for you. I really need an impartial third party's opinion on this.
About a year ago, I started liking this guy. (Oh, by the way, I am 17 and this guy is 18 now.) I didn't really think anything would come of it because I felt he was so out of my league. Well, later I somehow got up the courage to ask him to our school's valentines dance. He quickly said yes and we hit it off on the first date. We've been on three other dates since than and we hang out with our friends and family a lot. All of this time, I was just thinking that this really wasn't that big of a deal. That we were just good friends and he would go off on his mission and come back without any problems.
Than about a week and a half ago, I went on a date with him. We went to a movie with one of my friends and her date. Nothing happened during the movie and I didn't expect anything to happen. But on the way home, he held my hand the entire car ride. When we got to my house, he kissed me. I was completely shocked. I didn't know what to do. Now you must realize a few things before I continue. First, this boy is honestly the best guy I have ever met in my life. He is a very strong member of the church, respects me and all of my friends, is conveniently very handsome, and a bunch of other things that just makes him great.
Another is that he was my first kiss. I've waited to meet someone worthy of dating and kissing because it is a major deal to me. I got teased sometimes because I didn't have a boyfriend, but I knew when the time was right I'd meet somebody. Well, I did. He kissed me, walked me to the door, kissed me again, and left. Later, we hung out with my family and as he was leaving he kissed me again.
Now I was fine with this until I remembered that he had turned in his papers. He got his call his Wednesday. He's leaving in November to go to (location withheld). And I have no idea what to do. I really really like this guy. And apparently he likes me too. But with him leaving, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a distraction while he prepares to leave, but for the first time ever I have a guy in my life.
Do you have any advice for me? I keep asking my friends and family but they are so smitten with the fact that this guy likes me that they try to do everything in their power to make sure I keep seeing him. He means a lot to me. Not just as a crush or potential boyfriend, but as a friend. He's been there for me when I've been through really hard times. I really love having him in my life. But right now, I'm so confused at what to do. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Like I said, you are an impartial third party.
Thank you so much. And sorry about the length of this email.
-Missionary Crush
Dear MC,
Well . . . I'm probably going to take some heat on this . . . but I've always promised my readers that I'll give it to them straight, so here goes:
I don't think you have much of a problem here.
Honestly.
Look, you know I don't encourage the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing at your age, but I'm also not so naive as to think it doesn't happen, either. You should be Casual Group Dating and following the DATING RULES, and by that I mean mixing it up every other date.
You haven't been doing that. I understand that as a Young Woman you don't feel like you have much control over that . . . you do have more control than you probably realize, but that's a discussion for perhaps a different day . . . but that's part of why you're at where you are, and why it's so confusing.
Are you a distraction?
Well, sure you are. You're a girl, he's a guy . . . that's all it takes.
Are you enough of a distraction that he won't go on his mission?
I doubt it.
Unless you profess your love for him, make some "post mission" I'll-wait-for-you promise that you shouldn't, or do something that would make the two of you un-Temple worthy, I don't see this as a huge problem.
OK, you kissed him.
So what?
Oh, wait . . . I mean: Good For You!
You're 17, for gosh sakes!
Look, I'm not saying that every 17 year-old should run right out and start making out in the park, but I don't see any problem with two kids your age who've been on a couple dates kissing goodbye once in a while.
(That's the part I expect will freak people out.)
And it's OK to hold hands, too.
I do have some "keep it safe" guidelines, like:
- Nothing horizontal
- Not in a car, on a sofa, or in a room where no one can walk in on you
- Never in your bedroom or his
- Keep your hands to yourself, and keep his hands off you
As long as you follow those, it's OK to keep seeing him. (I do think you should date other boys, too.)
And then, in November, kiss him goodbye.
Literally.
Let him go on his mission with no attachments, commitments or promises back home; and let yourself go on with the rest of your life in the same way.
When he comes back, IF you're not seriously seeing anyone (and you may very well be, especially since you should keep dating and will be Serious Dating Age before he returns) and IF he's interested and you're interested, THEN you can consider dating him again.
But cross that bridge then.
Not now.
If you're uncomfortable and want to break things off at any time, by all means do. No girl should stay with a guy solely because her friends or family think it's "cute".
- Bro Jo
PS: The length of your email was fine.
PSS: You do realize, I hope, you've crossed out of the "friend zone" and can never go back. Nor should you try.
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