Is he too angry?

Dear Bro Jo,

You're blunt and to the point, and that's exactly what I need right now. Here's my situation.

I've been dating this guy for a year, and for the most part things have been really great. I met him in another state when I was in school, and he moved here a few months ago to be with me.

But...we fight.

I'll give you some examples:

Once we were at a church dance and I was standing with him and my roommate. A slow song came on, and she was standing there awkwardly so I didn't want to abandon her. He left to go dance with another girl and got mad because I cared more about my friend than I cared about him. It was just one slow song, and I was just trying to be a good friend. I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do in that situation, but he made me feel like such a bad girlfriend.

Maybe I was. I still don't know.

A few weeks ago, he bought himself some candy at the grocery store. I didn't like the candy, and when he offered me some, I declined. He said "Take it, or I'm going to get really mad."
I thought he was joking, and I really didn't want the candy, so I said no. At that point, he blew up and called me selfish because he sacrificed so much to move here and be with me, and I couldn't even eat a candy to make him happy. I'm sorry, but since when are relationships based on eating a gross candy?

Another night I was sick and I didn't want to kiss him because I wasn't feeling well and I was so tired, I just wanted some space. He got mad, took off and went home. I wanted him to look after me (is that cheesy?) but it seemed like because I didn't want to make out, I wasn't worth his time. He apoligized later that night, but I was still really hurt.

And most recently, I was at a church event with my boyfriend and my best friend. I suppose I was paying her more attention than I was him (I haven't seen her in forever because we both are in relationships), and he just left and made some comment about how he hoped my friends could make me happy like he never could. I asked him if he wanted to talk, and he said that there was nothing to talk about. He broke up with me, and I drove him home so I could pick up my stuff. I was about to walk out the door when he begged me for one more chance. I said no, forget it, but he said he was going to change.

I have tried so hard to make this relationship work. He used to get mad because I spent a lot of time with my friends and he wanted it to be just the two of us exclusively. So I changed, I've sacrificed a lot of time that I used to spend with friends so that we can be together as much as possible. I don't mind, I love being with him. I do everything I possibly can to make him happy. But he is always getting mad about stupid things and just leaving. He often breaks up with me and as soon as I'm walking out the door he says he's sorry and asks for another chance. I know that the only person I can change is myself, and I have and am still trying to change for the better. The problem is, I keep waiting for him to change too, and he disappoints me every time.

I probably made him sound like an abusive boyfriend, but he's not. He's very loving and sweet and does everything to make me happy. He would do anything for me. My worry though, is say we got married, and one day got into a fight. I'm scared he would come home with divorce papers or something. The fights we get into are soooo stupid. I blame myself every time.

I know every couple gets into fights. Am I blowing these out of proportion?? Am I over-reacting? And is this relationship a waste of time, or should I really give him one more chance? Will he ever change? I love him, and I honestly can't imagine my life without him, but my heart breaks more and more every time.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Worrywart

PS... I don't know if this matters, but I am 20 and he is 23.



Dear WW,

It matters a ton.

Before we get into it, I want to let you know how much I'm enjoying the oxymoron of being "blunt" and "to the point" - ha!

Some couples fight, some not so much (if at all); some grow out of it, and some fight more as time goes on.

Sister Jo and I fought a lot when we were dating and had some doozies when we were first married, some along the same lines that you guys have argued over . . . now not so much. A friend of mine believes that after 7 years of marriage most couples are done fighting about the big stuff, realizing it's either already been fought over or not worth it to argue; perhaps that's true.

So fighting in and of itself isn't a sign to me. But there's something about the fights you've been having: I know I'm only hearing your side of things . . . but there seems to be an "irrational" element that's sending up red flags. Who get's mad that someone won't eat candy?!? I mean if you asked him to buy it, changed your mind and were very unappreciative, then okay, sure. But this . . .

It's like it's an indication that something else is wrong. You know, sometimes we just can't face reality, so we keep clinging to something we know is a mistake because we don't want to admit we messed up. My second son often quotes the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result; that phrase is coming to mind here.

I think ultimately the question you need to ask yourself is: is this the guy you can see yourself spending every day with . . . forever. You mentioned that you keep hoping he'll change, well I have news: it ain't never gonna happen. If it does, it won't because you hoped it to be so. He sounds like a mostly good guy, but if you're not satisfied with who he is, you probably need to move on.

The two of you need to have a talk, and not the kind that starts with a fight and ends with promises we don't intend to keep. There's an elephant in the room, something that's leading to all of these irrational fights. Admitting what it is won't necessarily solve it, but getting out in the open may help you both decide if it's something you can live with.

Communication is the key.

Oh, and let me give you a quick tip: don't put him on the defensive. Instead of saying "you", as in "you confuse me when you lash out at me", use the word "I" as in "I get confused when I don't understand why someone is yelling".

See the difference?

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo

PS: Be sure to read my "Five A's of Why Not to Marry That Person". "Anger" is one of them. So is "abuse".