The "Unforgivable" Mistakes

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for your previous advice. I appreciate that you told me not to be a drama queen. I needed it.

Now I have another question.

I know a young man who is sweet, kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent, and musical (which is important for me). He is 15. I'm 16.

He will turn 16 in a few more months. I was rather excited for this because he is the type of guy to ask girls out and we we're good friends. But this past week I found out that he had a "thing" with a mutual friend last year on trek. He texted her that they should "cool things off" last fall.

This shocked me. He didn't seem like the type. And it saddened me. Because I save myself for nice guys. I don't have "things" with people. Especially not when I'm younger than 16. Why can't they do the same?

The only good thing about this is that I didn't get emotionally attatched this time. I have before and when I realized the guy wasn't what he seemed to be I was depressed for weeks. Even months. But this time I'm not sure what I did or didn't do but I didn't get emotionally attatched. I have almost no interest in dating him now. I saw him again since I heard the news and realized he is the biggest flirt. But he's still nice to me and I'm not sure that he wouldn't be interested in dating me once he turns 16.

So how do I behave?

Do I keep being friendly and struggle not to like him/ become emotionally attatched even though he's the best guy friend I've ever had?

Or do I be barely polite, keep away from him as my brain prompts me to do because I don't like what he's done?

Please help Bro Jo I'm so confused.

I guess my biggest question is why do people have "things"? It really hurts.

I don't want to get emotionally attatched and then get my heart broken again.

~16 going on heartbreak



Dear 16,

Just exactly what are we talking about when you say "he had a thing"?

Did he have sex with her?!?

Or were they just "boyfriend and girlfriend"?

Did they make out repeatedly while sharing a sleeping bag??

Or did he send her lots of emails and think of her all the time?

Did they go skinny dipping in the lake, or simply stare at each other from across the room?

Because you're making this sound like whatever he did has made him no longer worthy to date . . . and I'm not sure that I'd treat all of the above as a deal-breaker . . .

- Bro Jo

PS: You'll be doing yourself a favor if you stop using the phrase "guy friend".



Dear Bro Jo,

I get it. I should clarify. He is not the type of guy to really do anything BAD. As in, sex, making out etc. But they held hands, hung out with each other constantly and possibly kissed a time or two.

I am not terribly picky. But one thing I really dislike is when people do things like that (holding hands, kissing even casually) when they know they won't stay with that person for any long period of time. It seems that holding hands, which to me is special, takes absolutely no commitment and that really gets under my skin. And so I understand I probably sound outdated even to some old-fashioned people.

And I'm not asking that everyone start playing by my rules. But I do wish I knew how to deal with the fact that relationships are so utterly casual nowadays.

And what's wrong with "guy friend"? Sorry I don't get it :)

~16


Dear 16,

Hey, you're talking to "Mr. Old-fashioned", so I get where you're coming from. And you're certainly entitled to set your own rules, and I'm not going to argue with you over the "special-ness" of hand-holding and kissing; I agree that too many people take that (and much, much more) too casually.

However . . .

I wasn't just asking for clarification, but trying to make a point as well. You seem ready to completely write this guy off because he spent time with a girl he liked, held her hand a couple times and MAYBE kissed her (and I'm with you, I bet he did) . . . I just think that's a bit over-reactionary and harsh.

I think you should still date him if he asks (remember: Casual Group Dates only at your age) and show him that you're not as . . . willing . . . as his previous girlfriend.  Go out, have a fun time, just don't do any hand-holding or kissing.

THAT'S how you behave. If he ever asks, sure, tell him you're disappointed (even a little grossed out) by the fact he had a girlfriend and "did some stuff" with her. But I'll tell you now, if you require all of your future dates to be guys who've never touched a girl . . . well, the only guys left will be the ones too scared and shy to ask you out.

As far as the "guy friend" thing, wow, you know, I've written so much about that already . . .

Here are some links where you can read up on all of that:

HERE and HERE.

But the bottom line is that "Guys Can't Stay Just Close Friends with Girls" - and that's a fact.

If you still don't get it, let me know.

- Bro Jo

PS: You seem pretty focused on just this one guy (which I hope you realize doesn't make you too much different than the girlfriend); I hope you and your fellow 16-year old girls are getting guys to take you on some Casual Group Dates!