Love Who You Are

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for all your advice. I love reading your tips. Thanks for your bluntness, I think that's the most important aspect of advice-giving.

Quick background on me: I'm female, 20 years old, attending BYU (been here 2 years), and I've been on one legitimate date in my life.

I grew up hearing my mom talk about all the dates she use to go on at BYU (she and my dad met/married here). Sometimes several dates per week. I was so looking forward to that when I came out here to BYU for my freshman year... then nothing happened.

I was SO eager to date at BYU that when I realized that the guys weren't asking, I started asking them on dates . I hoped that would spark return dates from them, but no such luck. I realize now that was a pretty stupid thing to do and probably turned them off more than anything, so I've since stopped.

This past year was my second year at BYU, my "chance at redemption," if you will. I tried to do the Right Things that would make me attractive, but nothing worked. Now, I'm not even sure what those Right Things are.

There are plenty of guys in our ward, plenty of people getting engaged, and I know that people are dating. I attend all the activities I can and enjoy socializing with all the great guys in my ward. But none of them are asking me on dates.

Something happened last week that got me wondering. I gave a spiritual thought in Ward Prayer, and a lot of guys complimented me on it. I get that a lot: compliments on how Nice, how Good, how Spiritual I am. I'm afraid that I might be one of those Sweet Spirits, as they are called. I feel like guys just see me as a Good Person, but not a romantic interest, not physically attractive, not date material. (This is the only explanation I've been able to come up with for my situation, so maybe you have another idea of what's going on.)

On the same note, I LOVED the First Presidency Message for June. I especially liked the "What Is True Beauty?" section at the end. I love this part: "The kind of man a virtuous woman wants to marry also “seeth not” as the natural man seeth (see 1 Samuel 16:7). He will be drawn to the true beauty she radiates from a pure and cheerful heart. The same is true for a young woman looking for a virtuous young man."

That is what I want. But how do I move out of the so-called Sweet Spirit zone and into the Dateable/Marriageable zone? What's the real difference? What makes a girl attractive (and nice) vs. just Nice?

Sincerely,

Too Sweet?


Dear Sweet,

Thank you for reading 'Dear Bro Jo", and for your kind, encouraging words; very appreciated.

Look, there are things a gal can do (see Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION") to attract guys, and things a gal can do to get guys to call (see Bro Jo’s TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL) or ask her out on a date (see Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE") and maybe some of those will work for you, and maybe some of them won't. You can certainly try a few things out to see what helps.

But ultimately the point is to be the best YOU you can be. There's nothing wrong with being a Sweet Spirit! Yes, BYU (and the world) is full of girls who, let's face it, just naturally seem to get lots of attention from guys; superficial attention. And lots of those girls get lots of dates and many of them, especially at the Y, get married young and if we're being honest with ourselves we'll confess that they're typically cute little things with lots of hair and blah-blah-blah.

And perhaps you look like them, and perhaps you don't.

And this is of course not to say that every little blonde girl from Happy Valium . . . oh, sorry, I mean "Happy Valley", isn't also bright and smart and talented . . .

But I don't think it profits a person much to compare themselves with others. Like I said, you need to be the best YOU you can be.

Don't leave the zone you're in; be proud of who you are; recognize your individual worth, and . . . well, flirt a little.

You're on the right track having realized that you shouldn't ask guys out; now go out there and be the woman you're meant to be.

- Bro Jo

PS: Yes, I always say to date a lot, but remember, it's the Last First Kiss that's the most important, not all the ones before that.