I saw your link on Facebook - and though I'm happily married, I do have 4 kids, so I decided to take a look since they'll soon reach dating age.
We live overseas on a military base - so the dating options are slimmer.
For my sons, getting a couple of date buddies and setting up a group date shouldn't be too hard (even if they're non-member date buddies - or dates).
My question is more for my daughter.
With not a lot of LDS guys to date, how would you recommend approaching dating for her (when she reaches the age)? Obviously, she's not in the same boat as the guys - so she can't set up a group date - what can she do to encourage group casual dating with guys who might not be LDS?
Thanks in advance!
Soon to be Worried Dad
Okinawa, Japan
Dear Dad,
I love getting letters from parents! Let’s face it: teenage relationships are just as scary for us as they are for them.
I share your concerns: you want your daughter to have good dating experiences, and you recognize the value of having her be asked out as opposed to asking guys out; but you’re operating, as you said in another email, “Outside the Zion Curtain”, so you’re justifiably worried about her safety and reputation (not that, as you and I both know, there are any guarantees INSIDE the curtain either).
If your daughter is close in age to her brothers, then they can help “set her up” on Group Dates; going out with your friend’s sister loses a lot of the awkwardness when we’re ALL Casual Dating, and no one’s looking to lock-lips with anyone else. In so many ways Group-Casual Dating is like a YM/YW activity with out the younger kids and leaders (in fact, both Sister Jo and I advocate Regular Priest-Laurel activities, monthly if possible). Plus, as a dad, you’ll probably feel a bit more comfortable with a brother there, not necessarily to act as chaperone, but to be that constant reminder in the back ground that what happens at the mall won’t necessarily stay at the mall.
So your daughter will have two issues:
1) how does she communicate LDS dating culture, and make it acceptable, to a mostly non-LDS peer group;
and 2) how will she operate with in that structure without being ostracized or unfairly labeled.
The answers to both (actually) start with you (which I think you sense).
You need to start by having her peers to your house. That’s a precursor to inviting them to Church Dances and YM/YW activities. Even if your daughter’s in elementary school it’s not too early. You don’t have to start with a house full of kids, just one or two good friends.
Eventually, when your daughter hits about 13 or so, start hosting small get-togethers at your place: Game Nights, BBQs, Video Parties. At that point lengthen the invitation list to include more kids and, yes Dad, boys. As these kids get to know you and your family, they’ll also get to know your standards. They’ll notice the things in your home (scriptures, pictures of Christ, pictures of the Temple) and the things that are not in your home (caffeine – including soda, pornography, R-rated movies, swearing). You may even want to “post” a few things on the wall, like the Proclamation on the Family, a Family Moto Scripture, or (although I certainly wouldn’t put this in the same category) “Bro Jo’s Dating Rules for Teens”. You want these kids to see, absorb and talk about, your standards.
Be the type of guy that a non-LDS kid will ask about the Gospel. That doesn’t mean to be a buddy; it means to be an approachable authority figure. The key there, I believe, is to talk to kids of all ages like they have value – too many adults “talk down” to kids, and boy to they pick up on that. Be the “Older Guy that Knows More”, not the “Guy that thinks he’s better than us”.
Communicate your expectations and standards to your children and their friends at a very early age. (Note: it blows my mind how many parents set aside things like, oh, say . . . Dress Standards, thinking that they’ll magically introduce sleeves and shirts that cover belly buttons when a kid hits 14).
Secondly, teach your daughter to be honest, open, and upfront when dating finally starts. Require that she stick to your standards: “Yeah, you can go out with him, so long as it’s a group date and I meet all of the kids before hand”. Of course, if you’ve already met them because you’ve been having them socialize at your house you’ll both be way ahead of the game.
You’ve got to talk to every Young Man that picks your daughter up. No exceptions. If, given your job (or other extenuating circumstances) you can’t be there, get a proxy. Your spouse, one of the older brothers, a grandfather, home teacher . . . somebody. This is absolutely required.
You don’t have to be the cliché guy on the porch cleaning his gun, just be there to ask the when, where, how, what and what time questions. The young man will treat your daughter better if he has a clear understanding that you care enough to be concerned. The conversation must happen. Every time. Don’t become lax just because you know this kid really well or he comes from a good family or it’s their fifth date. If you become lax with the rules they’ll be tempted to relax the rules too.
You won’t be able to protect her from the Gossip and the Jealousy, but you can help her build her Testimony and Self-worth so that when people accuse her of being “slutty” because she goes out with a different guy every month, or spread rumors that she’s a tease or man-hater because she won’t do the bad things they’re doing, or try to make her feel bad because they’re jealous that guys like her and she’s getting dates and they’re not, she can still hold her head up, knowing that she’s a Daughter of God, taking confidence in the fact that what she’s doing is right, and being comforted by the fact that she’s done nothing to drive away the Spirit.
Your daughter will be mortified if you set up dates for her, so don't. But you can suggest to some good boys that you know that they set up a quality group activity. You may have to teach those boys that are your daughter's age how to date properly.
Lastly, encourage your daughter to go out with any boy that asks her to be his date for a Planned Group Date, but don't require that she go out with anyone that makes her feel unsafe. Discuss with her what that means.
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