Flirting for Guys

G'day Bro Jo,

I come from the land of Oz. Just wondering.. Having no experience with 'flirting' and only have a vague idea of what it is. (I'm probably making it out to be harder than it actually is, and having probably done it many times already with or without intention or notice) what exactly is flirting and how do I 'start the engines'? so to say. What is appropriate for flirting and when should it be done?

Sincerely,

Dollan


G’day Dollan!

“Flirting” is the art of letting someone know you think they’re attractive. For some it comes quite naturally, for others it can be a very difficult skill to master.

Touching someone on the hand or the shoulder, eye contact, smiling, and certain things we say can all be construed as flirting. In the movie “Hitch” the main character points out that in High School if a girl punches a guy on the arm it means she likes him, and that’s probably true. Flirting is trying to get the attention of someone you like, hopefully in a positive way.

So many people, especially young people, struggle with doing this in a constructive way. I had a letter a while back from a young woman who’s flirting with a boy had gone down the path of teasing into the world of pushing and saying mean things. They wanted to get each other’s attention, but their “flirting” had gone bad.

Finding the balance can be a difficult thing; that and knowing when to turn it on and when to turn it off (which is what “natural flirts” struggle with the most). My general recommendation is to keep flirting light and complimentary; trying your best to be sensitive to the comfort level of the person who’s attention you’re trying to get. When not sure, stay away from the physical stuff.

I’ve given lots of tips to Young Women about how to flirt in these pages, it’s High Time I give a few tips to you guys.

Bro Jo’s “Flirting Tips and Advice for Guys”

1) Eye contact. Checking a girl out is not flirting, so stop staring at her parts, look her in the eye. Even from across the room this can be quite effective. Don’t stare like a psychotic murderer; look and smile; when she’s caught your gaze hold it for a while, then turn to your friends. Wait a moment, then look back to see if she’s still looking; if she is, well . . . let’s just say that’s good (unless she looks angry – that’s bad). Up close (like if you’re dancing) pick one of her eyes and focus on that. The tendency up close is to bounce back and forth between eyes, which comes across as bewildered. Pick on eye and focus on it and she’ll think your confident – that’s good. Girls are very attracted to confidence. That’s why Jerk Guys get Women; girls will overlook the Jerk parts in favor of the Confident Strength.

2) Talk with your eyes. Now that you’re looking at her, make sure that your eyes are saying the right things. She wants to “hear” “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”, not “I want to grope you” or “I’m a deer in headlights”. The key is to THINK the right thing while you’re looking; that’s self Discipline, boys. When you’re dancing with a girl, make eye contact and think (DON’T actually SAY) “You look so beautiful”. When she asks you what you’re thinking, unless you’re at the age where you’re ready to propose, smile and say “Oh, nothing”, and hold her gaze for just a moment longer. Girls dig that. They call it “sharing a moment”, and for guys it’s a win-win.

3) Be aloof. That means ignore her a little. Just like it’s a turn off when they do it to us, girls hate it when a guy comes on too strong. Unless she’s already head over heels for you, the Outright Play is never going to work. Again, don’t be mean or a jerk; but don’t let her know right away that she’s the center of your universe. Girls like a challenge, too. If she’s with a group of friends, when you go up to them, say “hi” to her last. If she’s come out to watch you play sports, focus on the game. If she swishes past your desk, do your best to act like you didn’t notice. Difficult I know, but effective.

4) Compliment her, but NOT her appearance. I know that’s what you’re noticing, but unless she’s spent the last 4 hours getting ready for the Formal Dance that you’re picking her up for, tell her about the Non-Superficial things that you like about her. You may think she looks great all the time, but she may not think she looks great; if you catch her on a “hates her hair day” and you say her hair looks great, she may just decide that you’re stupid, even if her hair really does look great. Instead look for things like “nice job on the math test”, “you sounded great at the concert”, and “I heard your team did well last night”. Don’t be over the top: “you’re the best Basketball Player Ever!” and don’t give backwards compliments, the things that sound like a compliment but aren’t: “not a bad arm, for a girl”. If you are going to compliment her appearance, compliment her clothes or hair, not her parts. “Wow, that dress is stunning on you” goes a lot further than “your legs are smokin’!”

5) Listen. You’ve gotten up the courage to talk to her. Don’t use it as an excuse to look at her closer, listen to what she is saying and then respond with something intelligent and relevant.


When is flirting appropriate? Any time it doesn’t make the other person uncomfortable or distract from the things you should be doing at the moment. During Dances and on Dates, in between classes at school are all good times; during the Sacrament, while you’re driving, and during class are not.

That’s enough flirting tips for now, but let me share with you just one more list:

Bro Jo’s “Things Guys Can Do to Make Yourself More Attractive to the Opposite Sex”

1) Be Clean. In appearance, in language, in smell (some of you guys don’t shower nearly often enough). Clean clothes, too.

2) Be Confident. Learn to like who you are; recognize that you’re not perfect, but you’re doing the best with what you’ve got.

3) Work out. It doesn’t have to be obsessive, but putting a little more effort into your health and appearance is something people notice. And you’ll fell better about yourself, too. Use the weight room at your High School or College. If there isn't one, and you can't afford a couple free-weights (Bro Jo recommends starting with two 15 lbs. weights - there's a lot you can do with just those) then push-ups, pull-ups and sit-ups every morning and night will go a long way. If you can run, run. If you can't run, walk. Do the best you can with what you've got, but make sure your heart rate goes up for 30 minutes and that you've broken a good sweat.

4) Have Plans. Girls like guys who are going somewhere, guys that have a purpose. You don’t have to make a lot of money now, as long as you have goals and are working towards those goals. She wants to know that you’ll be able to support her and the children, even if that's something that would be years away.

5) Be positive. No one likes a downer. Well . . . that’s not entirely true, there are those that are attracted to the “deep, brooding” type, but it doesn’t last, and do you really want to go through your entire life unhappy?

As I said, Flirting is a skill, and an important one that should be practiced. Flirting can be the step that leads to dating. So give it a try! Don't worry about reactions and rejection. Go make eye contact across a crowded room with a pretty girl, wink at her and see what happens.

- Bro Jo


PS: Dolan, if some of this doesn't make sense in the translation, let me know and we'll fix it together.