Limits

Dear Bro Jo,

My house gets the Church News/Mormon Times newspaper, and a couple weeks ago, they ran a column, I'm sure others have read it too, about dating for LDS teens, and this writer stressed harshly that in "casual dating" there should be no actions that suggest "exclusiveness" whatsoever.

This writer said there should be no holding hands, hugging, or anything beyond that. This column was very straightforward, but it seemed different from things I've read in general conference talks or the New Era; it seemed more, I guess, angry and forceful than guiding and helpful.

But my point is: I've heard so many people say different things about what my dating standards should be, and they're all different in some way, and I'm really confused! Do you think you could clarify what my limits should be on things like holding hands and "exclusiveness"?

Sincerely,

How confused am I?


Dear How Confused,

Not very.

The Church is BIG, with lots of opinions and diversity, so not everyone is going to have the same opinion on any given topic. Ultimately your Dating Standards should follow the guidance of the Savior and his Prophets.

And not every counsel is perfect for every person. That’s why we’re given the Gift of the Spirit, so that each may discern for him or her self.

If you’re ever confused on any topic, turn to the Scriptures and to Prayer. Even if you don’t read or receive the exact answer to the exact question you have, you’ll certainly be comforted. That I promise.

That said, here’s my take on your questions:

I don’t recommend Exclusive (or “Serious”) Dating until after High School for girls and until after Mission for boys. However, after you’ve reached that point, I recommend being Exclusive with anyone that’s a serious marriage possibility. I also say that if you’ve been “Exclusive” with someone for more than six months and neither of you is ready for, nor serious about, marriage give strong (Very Strong) consideration to moving on.

I think Holding Hands and Holding Arms are perfectly acceptable in Dating and Dancing situations. I don’t recommend doing that around school (speaking of pre-graduation age kids) because it’s a sign of exclusivity (even if you’re not); I just don’t think it’s a good idea to be that serious that young.

I’m not naïve. I know kids couple up. I know we have Boyfriends and Girlfriends.

I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I know full-well that the longer a couple is together the more stuff they’re likely to do together (and I’m not talking about bowling and golf), and the harder the Almost Enevitable Break-up will be.

I’m not going to tell you not to hug, and I’m not going to tell you not to smooch, but I am going to counsel you to not hang on and grope each other and I am going to tell you not to “make out”.

Don’t, Don’t, DON’T have make-out sessions in the car, on the sofa, on the bed, in the park, in some dark secret place, or anywhere else that seems like you’re “hiding”. Satan works very hard to entice kids to go “too far”; and the temptations can be far greater than you realize.

In short, the guideline is this: don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your Grandma to catch you doing.

Or the Prophet.

Or Jesus.

- Bro Jo