Friend or Girlfriend?

Hey Bro Jo,

I'll get right to it. How does one avoid being "boyfriend-girlfriend" with someone, or avoid steadily dating them, if the two of us have a mutual adoration? Like, two kids like each other, and both are very clear-headed and rational and don't want to exclude their friends or get into trouble by being "in a relationship." We could probably do it if we were in college. But in high school everyone is immature and so we're automatically paired up just because we "like each other". How do you ignore that stereotype and try to make your relationship it's own thing, and not exclusive of those friends that you're gonna need in the future?

And, more importantly than the romantic component is just the friendship deal. I wanna stay friends with this guy, even after our attraction fades. (And it's not a superficial romance. Just to clear that up.) How do we treat each other, what romantic gestures do we give each other, that won't be damaging to our friendship?

Also. I think being steadily involved with someone too early on can give you an intense case of possessiveness and jealousy. I don't want this guy to lose his other friends just because I could get possessive and therefore he feels this obligation to give me the majority of his attention. I try my hardest not to demand his attention, but irrationally and against my resolve I sometimes get those "green" feelings anyway. How in the world do I stop that? It's probably natural. But come on. There's got to be something I can do about it.

Thanks Bro Jo,

-JCO


Dear JCO,

The way you avoid being Boyfriend-Girlfriend or Steadily Dating someone is to (write this down) “Don’t be their Boyfriend or Girlfriend or Steadily Date them”.

Seriously. That’s it.

You’re absolutely correct when you observe that your friends could feel excluded, that being in a “relationship” at this young age could cause problems, and that were you in College this would be totally different. If you wrote this letter at that point in your lives I’d say “if you love each other and have the same goals and dreams, get thee unto the House of the Lord!”

But you’re not there. So the best thing you can do is to date other people and make certain that the two of you don’t “hang out” when no one else is around. You can still date each other, Casually and in Groups.

Now I have news: the only way to stay friends with this guy for the rest of your lives is to marry.
Unless you have a watered-down-Facebook definition of “friendship, it’s just not going to happen. Friends spend time together. Friends talk one-on-one. Friends go to lunch together. None of that is appropriate if either of you is married to (or romantically involved with) someone else.

Think about it. Even if nothing inappropriate ever happened (and it probably would), the time you spent together certainly would have “the appearance of evil”, and undoubtedly be hurtful to your actual love interests.

Let me give you an example. Both the Young Men and Young Women Presidents in your Ward should be married, Sealed-in-the-Temple people. Let’s say that in this scenario that they’re not married to each other, but “really close friends”. It makes sense: they both work with the youth, they spend lots of time together, they have common interests, and they’re both fun people. They get together once in a while because their friends and they want to coordinate activities for the youth. They go to lunches, just the two of them. They enjoy the same movies, so they occasionally do that too, but it’s “not a date” they think because each pays their own way. They text each other late at night with their personal problems and sometimes “just to chat”.

Sound good? Is it appropriate?

No way!

They’re both married to other people and yet it looks like they’re Dating Each Other! And, in many ways, they kind of are.

And let me tell you Sisters something else: No Man would spend that much time with a woman he wasn’t attracted to. Sorry, we’re just that superficial, and any guy that says I’m wrong is a L-I-A-R.

No malice intended. You can take it to the bank.

The fact that you don’t want this boy to lose any friends because of spending time with you is admirable and mature, as is recognizing your own feelings of jealousy. It IS Natural.

When we have negative or destructive feelings, natural or otherwise, what we can do about them is work hard at becoming closer to our Savior. The Primary answers are all correct: Prayer, Scripture Reading, Church Attendance all bring us closer unto God and help us to more easily feel the Spirit.

Support this Young Man in his quest to serve a Full-time Mission. Make no promises or commitments to him while he’s gone. Date and keep your eyes and heart open to your own marriage possibilities. When he returns, if neither of you is married or Seriously Involved, consider Dating to see if a spark is still there (which, by the way, is almost never the case).

- Bro Jo