Should She Talk to Her Bishop?

Dear Bro Jo,

You have no idea how hard this is for me to say...I'm a teenage girl, and I think I have been having problems with a girl’s equivalent of masturbation. I can't stress enough that I did NOT know that that was what it was until quite recently. I can remember as a young child rolling onto the top of a toy and getting this sensation...I liked it, so I tried to do it again and again...

I'm really sorry I have done this, and I have stopped it, but what I need to know is if I can repent of this on my own, or if I have to get help from my bishop. I'm scared, I really am terrified, please help me.

-Scared in (location withheld)


Dear Scared,

I often get questions from Young People asking about what things are Bishop Talk appropriate and what things are OK to keep just between you and the Lord. Usually you can read between the lines and discover that what they’re really asking is “how much can I mess up (or mess around) before I have to confess?”

My general answer in those cases is “if you’re not sure if what you’ve been doing warrants talking to your Bishop, you probably should go talk to your Bishop”.

There’s no Magic List of what to talk to the Bishop about and what not. Repentance is much more individual and personal than that. Ask yourself these two questions:

a) Is the sin something that would keep you from entering the Temple?

b) Are you able to repent of it on your own, or do you need some help?

If you answer yes to either of them, set the appointment. Think of this: if you’re not supposed to talk to your Bishop, then you haven’t done anything wrong by talking to him; if you do need his help and don’t talk to him, well . . . where are you then? It’s difficult, but we should never allow fear and embarrassment to keep us from full fellowship with the Lord. You know who the author of those negative feelings is, right?

Regarding your own personal situation, please allow me to clarify a few things.

First of all, I think you’re pretty brave to write; your letter addresses an issue that others have struggled with as well; boys AND girls. (And, BTW – it’s called “masturbation” regardless of the gender of the person) Hopefully those that are having similar concerns and struggles will read your letter here and find the help and solace they need.

Secondly, not only is it Natural to enjoy being sexually stimulated (we’re all kind of designed that way), it’s a good thing. Scientifically speaking, that’s some of the reasoning for creating certain parts with so many nerve endings. That’s why holding hands and kissing are so nice. What you feel isn’t bad, just the timing and the method.

When you’re older and married, enjoying intimate moments with your spouse can be beautiful and wonderful. Those moments are made more special if you both wait to share them only with each other.

We also need to remember that we’re put here to conquer our base instincts. It’s the ability to do that which separates Us from The Animals; the ability for self mastery. We can chose to fast, denying the Natural Man food; we can chose to save sex for marriage; and we can chose to avoid self-stimulation.

We live in a world where a lot of voices will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with it; that you’re not harming anyone, blah-blah-blah. But you yourself have discovered the addictive nature of masturbation, and you have recognized that after you neither feel good about what you’ve done or about yourself. Because self gratification is based on fantasy, because it’s not real, it can not only be psychologically harmful but, just like any gateway drug, it can lead to other more dangerous behavior and addictions; pornography chief among them.

Have you read that “the Natural Man is an enemy to God”? That doesn’t mean that our instincts make us un-Holy, what it means is that our ability to master our appetites and desires brings us closer unto Heavenly Father.

Remember that none of us are perfect, but through Christ we can be made perfect. It’s OK to be scared, but don’t let that fear keep you from doing what you need to do.

Also, remember that you’re not alone (one of Satan’s most powerful tools is to make us think that we’re all alone), and you ARE loved. The Savior and the Atonement are real and empower each of us to become better tomorrow than we were today.

Sister Jo says that when we’ve repented in our hearts, and we’ve turned away from sinful behavior that no outside help may be necessary. Pray and open your heart; the Spirit will tell you the right thing to do.

- Bro Jo