Too Mature?

Dear Bro Jo,

I have had a very unlucky year and a half. 2008/2009 has been insane. Before I get into all that, let me tell you about myself.

I'm 16, about to turn 17. A Member of the Church, active and loving it. I'm home schooled, and about a month ago, I finally got a job at the Malco Movie Theatre in my area. Everyone tells me I look like a 21 year old, and I act very mature for my age. I sorta agree with them too. My life and past experiences have matured me, I can't help that. And I grew up much faster than most kids my age. So my appearance deceives all, and I guess my personality doesn't help. Hah.

Now, on to what's happened to me.

1. Freshman year of High School; I guess you could say I 'lost' my friends. People go to a big school...get into different things, you change, it's understandable. Yet, it's still tough and painful as ever. So, I went from having a large group of friends to maybe 4 main ones.
My Health crashed, and I had to be taken out of school, so I then was pulled from society it seemed. This was when I was only 15.

2. My Best girl friend moves to Seattle, WA. Leaving me, sadly, though we are still close as ever now, it's still tough. Summer comes, I go to Youth Conference, girls camp and all the church stuff, and make a tons of cool friends, things are going well right? Then, I turn 16! Have a birthday party, but my best friends can't go, so it's didn't seem as great as I thought it was going to be. I get annoyed...cause' being 16, you meet other 16 year olds...but I don't feel 16, so I get annoyed by them being immature and not "grown up". Making me not want to hang out with them...etc. etc.

3. So now, it seems like I have no one. My only two close friends left get boyfriends...and boyfriends...and boyfriends. They brake up, get another, brake up, get another. They are getting into serious relationships. Which I'm not like that, [this is where I do feel 16] I don't want to get tied down, and trapped with one person at 16! It seems crazy to me, and keeps me from other possible guys out there! So, I now feel like I don't fit in with my two friends in that sense.

4. My family is an...interesting family. I have 3 brothers, no sisters. Each brother is like living on a different planet every few minutes. They are brilliant and witty. But, I'm the only child who has been active in church for the past two, three years. My oldest, who is 23, is now becoming active in the singles ward, which I'm grateful. But, my family has been sort of 'marked' as the Inactive Family, or not so Mormon. So we tend to attract other in-actives...which sometimes, doesn't help so much with our In-activeness, do you know what I mean? So, I can't date my brothers friends, they aren't what I want. They aren't the good Mormon boy I dream of...and the members we do attract aren't either.

5. My ward is small, and the guys there are either younger than me, or we are only friends, and I don't like them like that. So my ward isn't my source for finding a guy, or a friend. I became friends with one girl, but she ended up hurting my family by so many levels. It was a rough patch for all of us.

6. Once I finally thought I found a guy I liked, I invited him to a church dance. Where he ended up ditching me for the girl who hurt my family! So, that didn't turn out so well. And that was my last time trying at dating. [that was in February]

I'm confused, is something wrong with me? I mean, I don't feel there is. Am I being too picky when it comes to guys? It's like I don't like any one of them. And the ones I do like are in there 20s, in College, and they like me. I don't fit in with kids my age, church dances are fun, but they depress me. I go, but people in my area are in 'clicks' they stick to who they know. So it's hard making friends and I ended up feeling lonely as ever...

I've prayed so much and for so long. And all I’ve gotten is that, now isn't my time to meet a guy, or be with a guy. Which I know, I totally agree. But how do I fight this loneliness? I don't even want a boyfriend, I mean sure that'd be great, but I just want a friend! Someone to talk to, hang with, pass the time away with. I'm a loner. And every time I come close to making a friend, the person does something idiotic, and my opinion changes of them and we grow apart. Is that being judgmental? Am I pushing all my friends away? Am I acting too mature?

My parents are talking about moving, which means I'll be going back to a school. I'm scared I won't fit in with my age group. Should I lower my standards and goof off for once? Should I date the non-member who's done pot in the past or should I just alienate myself from all unworthiness and be a loner for ever? [which is what I've been doing] I'm scared I won't have any experience when I'm older...if I don't date now. But my luck in it has been terrible, I can't even begin to explain it.

I feel like I can't even find a person worthy of liking...is that being stuck up? Am I setting my standards too high? Should I not even bother with dating, and just wait till I'm around mature enough people, at a mature enough age? I refuse to lower my standards though, I want to be worthy and be able to go to the temple and receive all the blessings I can have.

Is it so wrong to want a Good Guy at the age 16, when almost every teenager barely knows who they are, and the difference between right and wrong? I'm scared that I'm attracted to older guys, especially 20 year olds! Something in me says 'NOT SAFE!' you know?

How do I act my age?


Please help me,

Too Mature


Dear Too,

I have Good News!

You’re not more (or less) mature than anyone else your age!

And you’re acting just like a normal 16, almost 17, year-old girl. People who tell you that you look 21 are either a) trying to be complimentary, b) hitting on you, c) joking, d) totally clueless about judging ages.

(And, to be fair – and a little confessional – Bro Jo OFTEN falls into category D)

1. A small group of good, loyal friends is Way More Valuable than a bunch of shallow ones.

2. This might be a large part of your “few friends” problem – you’re being more than a little “better-than-thou” and quite a bit judgmental. Try accepting people for who they are, realizing that we’re all at different stages in our lives, and see if your circle of friends doesn’t widen.

3. You can still be supportive, kind and helpful, even if your friends have boyfriends. You may not agree with their choices, but can still be a good friend, right? If I limited my friends to people I thought were perfect, it would just be me and Christ; if my friends were only people who thought I was perfect, I’d be alone. It’s tough to not fit in, but, again, try being a little more accepting.

4. As I’ve said MANY times, Be Who You Want to Attract. You want to marry a “Good Mormon Boy”? Be a Good Mormon Girl. And don’t be so hard on the people who are trying to activate your family. Even if they’re not going about it well, I promise that they’re motivated by love. Love for you and your family, and Love for the Savior. “In-active” Mormons huddle together for the very reasons you’ve noticed about friendship: we like to associate with people we can relate to. See this as a Missionary Opportunity, not an anchor.

5. Again, you’re limiting your associations by being judgmental. You’re young! You can date guys that you’re not in-love with! That’s what casual dating is all about! Forgive others, and see how quickly you receive forgiveness.

6. Stop asking guys out, and learn how to get asked out. And never feel bad about a Losing a Bad Guy (Brethren, you need to leave with who you came with) – it’s a blessing! Think of it this way: better to find out right away that the match was bad then to have to figure out how to ditch him later.

And one more thing: You’re not helping yourself by trying to fast-forward these relationships. You take a guy you barely know to one dance and expect him to be your Boyfriend. Your friends make a choice or two you don’t agree with and you dump them. Good relationships take time to cultivate. Slow down!

You’re not a bad person, and there’s nothing seriously wrong with you, OK?
Don’t date, or even attempt to date, guys in their 20’s until you’re out of High School. Turn 18, then it will be OK.

You’re right when you say that now is not the time to “be with a guy” (and by that I hope you mean “have a Boyfriend” – can you actually see my hair getting grayer?). When you move to this new area, to this new school, don’t worry about everyone falling in love with you. Just be yourself and try to cultivate a small group of really good friends.

And, if I haven’t said it enough, the best way to do that is to be kind towards and accepting of others.

Please understand that by that I don’t mean to hang out with Known Tragedies, or to put yourself in unholy or dangerous situations.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you readers this, but I had an opportunity in High School to ditch my “geeky friends” and become part of a more popular crowd. Those “geeks” are still people I consider good and loyal friends to this day. They’re not now, nor were they then, any less valuable than anyone else, and to me they’ve always been more valuable.

Plus, let’s not kid anyone here: I’m a pretty big “geek” too!

- Bro Jo