This is my problem. I was seriously dating a guy over the summer. Most of our relationship was long distance. And he stared to tell me that he loved me after just two weeks.
That kind of scared me because I have never felt like that towards a guy and I was starting to feel something, but I wasn't sure. I definitely could see him and me getting married in the temple and we even talked about it, but only when he brought it up.
So I was so happy being with him. Then when I went to my home ward, I found out that he was also with this other girl in my ward for the first week that we were together. I talked to him about it and he explained to me that he asked her to be his girl friend 2 days before we were official.
He said it was a mistake and he didn't know why he did it. And I didn't understand why he would do that because when he was visiting in Colorado for 3 weeks, we were together almost everyday and he only went on two dates with her. So when I broke up with him he started crying and he told me that I was the greatest thing that he could take through eternity and he ruined the best thing that has ever happened in his life. He is also best friends with my best friend and he talked to her on the phone too and he started crying. I felt really bad.
So it wasn't until 2 months later that we actually started really talking again. He understands that we are just friends right now. But he sometimes will bring up "the future", but will correct himself if he is talking about me and him being together.
I know that he wants to get back together, but he understands that it won't happen until he can gain my trust back and if we are physically together. So now he is going to apply to go to BYU Idaho (where I am right now) in the spring. And I know that the big reason why he wants to go here is because of me. He hasn't gone on his mission yet and I know that plays a big part because he turns 19 in May.
I just want to know what I should do. Should I give him a second chance? If he gets into BYU Idaho what should I do? what should I do if he doesn't?
-Sherlock Holmes
Dear Sherlock,
If the guy was Post-mission, I'd be calling you an idiot for breaking up with him in the first place. Clearly the two of you are crazy about each other ("just friends" my eye!) He dated a girl that he thought he liked, but then he found you! And unless he was having sex with the both of you (which certainly doesn't seem to be the case) I don't know that I'd classify what he was doing as "cheating" on either of you (it's not as if you were wearing his ring, Little Sister).
Sure, distances can be tough, but it looks like he was willing to remedy that. All's fair in love and war! And in the war of love, as far as this guy is concerned, you're wining Big Time.
However, with the revelation that he's a Pre-Mi . . . well . . . that changes things quite a bit. That subtle difference reveals that his actions may not be so much out of love as they are out of a desperation to hang on to something, someone, as some sort of support group, perhaps to comfort him while he's gone, perhaps as an excuse not to go.
Is it fair to say all of that based on his age and Pre-Mi status?
You bet.
Sure, a 19 year old guy is capable of love, but in the LDS Church an 18 year old worthy priesthood holder should be focused on the Mission, not the Marriage.
Can a guy be Good Guy and perhaps a Mission is not the right path for him?
Sure.
I know a few Good Guys who didn't go, or didn't go until they were older; some even got married instead of going . . .
All of that is possible, but it's also rare. I can tell you that those whom followed that path that are now older have all said that they wish they'd gone.
Perhaps this guy is someone that would be a good spouse for you, perhaps not. There's something about his behavior, again given his age and status, that strikes me as immature enough to caution you.
I think you should encourage him to go on the Mission, provided he's worthy. He'll come back a better man, stronger in his testimony and more prepared to be a husband (provided he learns to work hard, love the people, and serve with all of his heart, might, mind and strength). If you're unmarried when he returns, and if you still have an interest in him, I think it would be wise to date him at least once or twice, just to see. That's when you give him the second chance; if and only if, of course, you're still available.
But tell him you're not going to wait. It's not good for you and it's not good for him.
You can write to each other while he's gone, so long as they're Gospel-Centered-not-dripping-with-love letters. (And I recommend that, actually.)
If he comes to the Y of I (and I bet he does) Do Not, I repeat DO NOT allow either of you to think you're "just friends" - it's not possible. Even if you think you can pull it off, I guarantee he can't (Any guy who hangs out with you and says he has no romantic interest in you and the two of you are "just friends" is a . . . and I want you to read this very carefully . . . L-I-A-R.
So enjoy your time at the Y of I!
Date! (That means "Go Out", not "Hang Out".)
Expand your social circle.
Have a Boyfriend (or two).
Get out there and make yourself available.
- Bro Jo
No comments:
Post a Comment