Clearing Up Misconceptions

Hey Bro Jo,

First off, thank you so much for your site and facebook. I read them both often and have gotten a lot of great information from them.

I've realised in the past few weeks that I messed up. There's this guy in my singles ward who confessed strong feelings for me that keep growing as he gets to know me more. He's nice and I've enjoyed spending time with him. He's a good friend and one of the first people I met when I moved to school. The problem is, though, that the way I get along with him is the way I get along with my male cousins. I've never thought of this guy romantically in any way and I feel guilty for realising I think of him more like extended family.

Well, needless to say his confession has left my mind going in confused circles. I hadn't seen it coming at all (although apparently everyone else had). I had a difficult break-up with my boyfriend of several months and during the break-up I had learned things that hurt me a lot. My mind was reeling trying to come up with an answer for my friend when he asked me out (steady-ish, and I know, dates and then relationship, but that's not the problem for me). The answer I came up with, I realised, was taken to mean that I still felt like I needed to get over my past relationship before dating again. And that's not the case. I just don't have romantic feelings for this guy.

He says that he's fine just being friends. I don't know if I fully believe that, but even still, I don't want to wreck our friendship either. How do I tell him that he shouldn't wait for me to heal? I know he's insecure and rather pessimistic about his future because he didn't go on a mission and he feels that disqualifies him in the eyes of many women. He's only getting older and I know that somewhere is someone for him. I just don't think it's me. I don't want to ruin him for some other woman by destroying the little confidence he has left and I don't want to lead him on. I didn't even mean to in the first place. What can I do?

-- Unintentional Jerk


Dear Unintentional,

Well, first off, you're welcome! (And thank you!)

And you're right: he's not "just find being friends". The translation of that is: "If I stick around long enough, perhaps she'll change her mind. Maybe after her first or second marriage. At least for now I get to be near her which, let's face it, is better than anything else I have going right now."

So you're right to be careful, and it's good of you to be sensitive.

But let's do each other a favor here and be clear. When you say that you don't have "romantic feelings" for this guy what you meanis that you don't find him physically exciting. If he aroused any kind of passion in you, which he doesn't, you'd be dating him. Because, let's face it, he has just about everything else.

He's nice.

You enjoy spending time with him.

You two get along like family (which, after all, is what a husband and wife become).

And, don't ever underestimate the value of this: he likes and is good to you.

Now, before you get all uppity on be, getting defensive because you think I'm calling you superficial, let me tell you that how you feel is OK.

Sort of.

I'm not advocating superficiality. What I AM saying is that physical attraction is important.

Yes, looks change. Even super models aren't hot forever (and, in truth, trust me as someone who knows, most famous people are no more pretty than anyone else without the professional make-up artists, hair stylists, clothing designers and the miracles of air-brushing and Photoshop; not to mention the access to personal chefs and trainers . . .).

I'm talking about desire, the kind that can transcend superficiality.

Insisting that you marry someone with specific physical traits is dumb. But feeling passionate about each other is Good.

So . . . after all that, we're still left with your main question: What can you do?

Because you're a YSA, there are two possibilities.

1) Wait. Wait and hope he loses interest, preferably by finding someone else (which you could help along by introducing him to other women and encouraging him to date them).

or

2) Be Honest (which you may have to do anyway if #1 doesn't work quickly). At some point, as a nice and decent person, you may need to do him the favor of telling him like it is. "Look, you need to find someone that feels passionately about you (it's his job to arouse passion in someone else, not your job to help him do that). You deserve that (everyone does). I don't feel that way (be simple, direct and clear). I don't know why (now this part might be a bit of a lie, but it is SO much better, for both of you, than for you to list what's wrong with him in your eyes - which you absolutely Should Not do).

The only other thing I can tell you is: Be Sure.

Look at him and really think; is there nothing about him that excites you?

Nice eyes? Great hair? Strong testimony? Smells good? Pretty smile? Smart? Financially secure? Good kisser? (Don't flinch, that last one can override a lot of other stuff at your age.) Anything?

Like I said: Be Sure.

And if there is nothing, Be Strong and Be Clear.

- Bro Jo