Avoiding the Friend Zone

dearbrojo@gmail.comDear Bro Jo-

Thanks for all you do.

 I'm a 17 year-old guy from the Zion curtain.

Could you give any insight into the whole 'getting labeled as only a girl's friend' phenomenon? I've heard quite a bit about this concept of accidentally coming across as nothing more than a colleague.

I believe that men and women can't just be friends, but it seems quite plausible that this could happen on the woman's end. Is this a valid concern? If so, what are some ways to be a friend without diminishing
the chance to be more?

Thanks,

- A Pal


Dear Pal,

You're absolutely right: guys can't (don't, won't, take your pick) be "just friends" with a girl, but boy they sure can (I think that's why sooo many women, young and otherwise, have such a tough time accepting this reality.

And if you get caught there, in the "friend zone", there may be no getting out. Not on your own, anyway.

She may decide someday that you're everything she's hoped for, everything she needs, but she'll have to get there on her own. Rarely will any amount of begging, wooing, flowers, gifts, singing love songs or reciting poetry by you solve the problem.

I've tried it all, my man, I've tried it all.

The one thing that does seem to work?

Get involved with someone else.

No guarantees here, but it's amazing how girls who would never give you the romantic time of day suddenly desire you simply because some other girl does. (Word to the wise, here, Do Not break up with the current girl because you think you now have a shot at the used-to-ignore-you-but-is-suddenly-attracted-to-you-now-that-you-have-another-romantic-interest girl; it doesn't go well. Trust me; I've done that more than once, too.)

OK. There might be one other thing that works: let her catch you playing with and taking care of a baby. Haul the toddler brother, sister, niece or nephew to the mall and be the kindest, coolest buddy that kid can have. Girls will run out of Victoria's Secret to check you out.

Back on topic: how do you keep from falling in the "friend zone"?

Well that sounds like a list!

Bro Jo's HOW a GUY CAN STAY OUT of the FRIEND ZONE

1) Keep your emotional distance. Don't open up about deep, personal stuff unless you're already on a date or in some other clearly romantic setting (and that should translate as just the two of you alone together). In the same regard, don't go asking girls to tell you about their emotional troubles as part of casual conversation. Act like one of her girl friends and that's exactly how she'll think of you.

2) Don't "hang out". Keep the concepts of "buddies" and "date-ables" separate.

3) Date. At your age that means Casual Group Dating. Come back from the Mish and it means One-on-One Dating. Let girls know that you're a Dater (not a Player, there's a difference) and they'll understand that when you call and ask them to do something, it's not as her buddy.

4) Be the guy, the Good Guy, that girls want to go out with. (Check out my "Bro Jo's THINGS GUYS CAN DO to MAKE THEMSELVES MORE ATTRACTIVE to the OPPOSITE SEX" ). Chivalry can help out a lot, here. Open doors, be polite, set goals.

5) Treat Girls like Girls. Not inferior in anyway, but don't treat a girl like she's one of your guy friends.

6) Be complimentary. But not creepy. This is a tough one to master, but if you do it right she'll realize that you see her as a Beautiful Young Woman, and not just Some Girl. I recommend starting with the simple but clear stuff. "Hey, you know, you really look pretty with your hair like that" or "I'm sorry if it sounds like a line, but you really do have the most amazing eyes".

There's more to that last one, but you know what they say about precept upon precept . . .

Good luck!

- Bro Jo