Honesty and Repentance

Dear Bro Jo,

After about four years, I finally have my life put back together. My first year of middle school, I became disillusioned I guess with my life. I feel like I have committed almost every sin there is to commit, and came very close to the worst ones. 

I became addicted to pretty much everything there is to become addicted to, whether it was not eating, masturbation or pornography (two of the most dirty words to me...), or self inflicted pain. Ironically, because I have never tried alcohol or illegal drugs, people for the most part didn't notice. 

I continued to break commandments and I hurt so many people, most of all myself. I have broken every promise, every covenant really, I have turned away from the gospel, from Christ and My Heavenly Father, at the time I most needed them. I was (still am?) not chaste, and the only thing left was murder. Ironically, the very first mistake I made, turning away the promise of help and healing from the Gospel, still came to my aid. I was so close to killing myself, so close, when we had a fireside on Christ. 

What an amazing experience! 

It gave me such a new look into Christ's pain and suffering on my behalf, and it was then that I decided to stop cutting. Of course, it was addicting, and I didn't stop then. But then it just...wasn't a part of my life anymore. I don't have any good way of dealing with pain and stress, which makes me still want to hurt myself, but I don't cut. Why? I don't know. God has helped, has helped me learn that I can survive without it.

I told a few people of the problems I had, and they tried to help, but it was only half truths. After a while I just stopped reaching out, and it was really bad. I never told anyone about anything else, and I lied continuously to my bishop. I have changed so much this year though! I don't read pornography, I don't obsess over my weight, I haven't thought of suicide as an option for weeks. And the best thing, I haven't cut myself. I am sad whenever I see the scars on my arms and legs, but I know that I will never go back to that.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me, I know I am beautiful, even if not by the world's standards, and it's so easy to find beauty and worth in others because of that. I love being the Mia Maid Class president, and I love my leaders and friends and try to serve and build them up the way they've helped me. My MM adviser said a few weeks ago that I was perfect, the most righteous person in the present group. She believes that I am doing great, well on my way to the Celestial kingdom.

Bro Jo, I AM doing great, I am following in the footsteps of Christ, and have a strong testimony. Will I ever be able to shake my past off? Will it continue to haunt me, regardless of what I do in my future? In seminary we had a lesson on how sins are forgiven. They aren't just canceled out, as if you can sin as long as the scales tip in favor of your good works, but I think that's what I'm doing. I am so involved with service and leadership, I know I am doing great with my calling as class president, everyone says so, especially the Bishop, but it doesn't really count, does it?

~(Name Withheld)


Dear Little Sister,

Thank you for your honest and touching letter; I appreciate your testimony of the Savior and the Power he can have in our lives if we let him.

We're taught that God will forgive our sins, not that we will, and you know . . . I think that's a good thing. In the same way that your physical scars serve to remind you of both the mistakes you've made and the Love Heavenly Father has for you, the lingering regret over things you've done can inspire you to never hurt yourself or others again.

I believe that that one of the reasons you've struggled as much as you have in this process is your failure to be honest . . . with yourself, your Bishop, and your God. It sounds as if you've made great progress, and of that you should be proud (I'm certainly proud of you!), but at some point you need to confess; you need to come clean in order to be clean.

I know that repentance can be scary. We fear what others will think . . . what they might say . . .

Bur our concern shouldn't be with them, it needs to be with God. He already knows, He will love us no matter what, and He has given us the path to making things right again.

Once you've done what you need to do I promise that you'll feel even better than you do now. No, you won't forget, but you'll be able to take comfort in the fact that God has, and that, my dear Little Sister, makes all the difference.

I want you to know, personally from me to you, that I know that Christ is our Savior. I know that through repentance he can make you whole. I know that you, you specifically, are a daughter of God, and while He may not be happy with some of the things you've done, even many things, He still loves you. All is not lost. You're not alone! You are loved and cherished and needed.

You've done so much already to put yourself back facing the right direction. Please call your Bishop, right now, and make an appointment to meet with him and get it all out. Yes, it will be difficult, but I promise that you will feel SOOOO GOOD once you've done the right thing. Please trust me on this.

You deserve to know for a surety that you've put everything right with the Lord, and your Bishop is the person that can help you do that. He can help you, with the keys he holds, and the things he knows, and perhaps by getting you additional help that you may need, to truly put your addictions behind you.

Yes, addiction is something that needs to be fought every day of our lives, but that fight is so much easier if you're not doing it on your own.

I may not know you, but I love you.

Go on.

Make the call.

I'll be here any time you need.


- Bro Jo


PS: Please keep me apprised of your progress.