I'm writing because I'm not quite sure what to do about my situation. Sorry this isn't brief, but at least it's not boring same old.
Story time!
I've known this man ever since I started Jujitsu (a martial art) when I was 12. He was already a black belt by then. I like and respect this guy, and I love the class. It's my sanctuary from the world where I can go once a week to relax and be totally myself. Currently, I'm the only girl who regularly attends the class.
There's a camaraderie there among the long term students that you can't find just anywhere. I know, guys and girls can't be friends. But we (the older students) are good acquaintances and we joke and laugh all the time. Nothing is really serious relationship wise. There is no reason to think there would be since the guys age ranges are so far from my own. Anything romantic has never crossed my mind at that place. And its part of the reason why I'm so comfortable around the guys there; even when there are some males my age around for a few months.
I'm 19, almost 20, and a black belt and I've been home from college on break for about four weeks now. It started out as just a feeling after I’d been home two weeks. I think girls are built with a warning bell to tell them when a guy is “paying attention.” At first I thought I was imagining it. Nothing weird like this could happen in my sanctuary. I thought, "You're over reacting. You're fresh from the BYU-I mindset. He's not hitting on you he's just being nice like always." Well brother, as the influence of BYU-I has faded, this creepy feeling has not gone away. If anything it's gotten stronger.
Today before going to class I read some comments from your "boys and girls can't be friends" thing and it got me thinking about it. I still had no proof that anything weird was going on except my gut was telling me, "Stay away! Beware!!" Sensei was gone and he'd left me in charge of the class. He isn't supposed to be back for at least two weeks, four at most. I was working with this black belt and with the younger students. The occasional random conversations that arn't normal in that atmosphere peppered the day. Nothing "getting to know you" like because we already know each other. Just not normal conversations for that place, in hindsight I think that’s probably what triggered the warning feelings in the first place.
There's this thing we do call obstacles where one student, usually a black belt, plays the obstacle and the other students have to jump over him and roll into the protective falls we teach. I demonstrated this and things were going well. Then we moved on to the falls where you sit on the obstacles back, scoot back and then fall off his back. I asked if the students already knew this and they did, but the black belt suggested that I demonstrate it anyway. I ignored him and told the first student in line to go.
Later, during the second class when its just black belts, I was telling him and another guy about my babysitting job where I watch two little boys everyday and how we mostly wrestled. He mentioned how I could get into trouble at college wrestling with boys. (bad taste I know!) Not exactly sure what was going on since he normally doesn't talk like this I just said, "Yep, I would probably be expelled." He mentioned how that was a shame because that’s half of what college was for right there. I ignored that. He knows I’m Mormon, and at the time I was still hoping he wasn’t meaning what I thought he was meaning.
We started talking about the college dating atmosphere and I made sure we didn't talk about my dating habits by using roommates as references. He mentioned “mormon culture dating habits,” and we talked about the mormon tendency to have long distance relationships and writing to missionaries. And later he implied that he'd been unlucky in love in reference to his divorce. We really never talk about this kind of stuff, and this was at the end of class when we were leaving for our cars. We were alone and its always dark by the time we leave. And I was...apprehensive.
That's the most "proof" I have besides my feelings. I could be just jumping the gun and I'm really hoping I am because I don't want things to get awkward at Jujitsu. That's my sanctuary! But things have changed already. It used to be easy to throw each other around all the time. Now I feel uncomfortable working with him. I could barely attack him last class in a routine exercise! I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me and that's creepy because...Bro Jo, HE'S AT LEAST TEN YEARS OLDER, DIVORSED, WITH AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD SON!!! His kid is even in the class!!
When I talked to my sister about it she said to trust my feelings and tell Sensei so he could look out for me. I respect Sensei, but to be honest he's more likely to make the situation embarrassingly worse rather than better. There is another black belt who I have complete trust in. He's like an uncle to me and he's the type to never say anything unnecessary. Should I talk to him about this and how should I tell him in a way that he doesn't suspect the worst? The last thing I want is to make him think badly of this other guy, because overall this other guy is really a good man and I don't like being the person who ruins others reputations.
This is already extremely awkward for me and I wish this wasn't happening at all! I don't believe this man would do anything bad or illegal. He's not the type. But then again it had also never crossed my mind that he'd ever be attracted to me. I sincerely doubt he’d try anything, but I don't know. He's better at the art than me. If it did come to that, I'd have about 25% chance of saving myself, but that's worst case scenario. As far as I know it's only an attraction and now he's starting to act on it because I'm suddenly all available because I'm in college. Doesn't he even remember the snotty twelve year old he first met? I should be just a child to this guy.
I can't even begin to describe how creeped out I am over all of this. What's a girl got to do to tell an old and older friend like this to back off when nothings really happened?
Karate-chop Wonder
You're not 12 anymore; you're a 20 year old woman. You've gone away to school, and now come back, and this man (and probably others) see you differently.
You're single. He's single. I'm sure the vibe you're picking up on is correct; he may not be very good at it (perhaps he's out of practice, perhaps he was never good at it, and perhaps he really is just creepy) but I think he IS trying to flirt with you.
Flirting at its most basic level is just using suggestive talk and touching to try and express your interest in someone and gage their interest in you. for a lot of people it can also be a validation of their own attractiveness and desirability (which is why, despite the dangers and inherit stupidity, many people in committed relationships flirt; they may be trying to signal availability, but they may also just be looking to prove that they've "still got it", which ultimately is just selfish and can hurt the person they're in a relationship with). For quite a while now I've been asked to write the "Bro Jo's Guide to Flirting for Guys and Gals" . . . perhaps I will soon.
So . . . as I said, I think you're right in your assessment of this guy's behavior. He no longer sees you as a Little Girl in his Class, he sees you as an attractive woman. If you didn't already get it, I'd launch into another "Men and Women Can't Be Just Close Friends" lecture . . .
But I digress.
Divorce is lonely, plus the older one is, or the longer you've been away from the Single Life, the more awkward it can be to start dating again. Heck, unless he's looking for the trash that's hanging out in the bar waiting to be picked up, where's a divorced guy with an 11 year old kid supposed to meet women? Work? On the bus? At the store? How about that cute gal in class?
I'm not saying you should pity him, nor am I saying you should date him. I'm just trying to explain why he's acting the way he is.
So, to your problem: what can a gal do when a guy she's not interested in increasingly comes on to her?
Here's the list!
"Bro Jo's STEP BY STEP WAY a GAL CAN MAKE a GUY GO AWAY"
1) Ask yourself: are you sure you're not attracted to this guy in any way? If you are, but perhaps are unjustly afraid, stop here. If you're pretty certain you don't want this to ever become anything, go to step two.
2) Realize that guys don't take hints well; we often see that as code for "try harder", so prepare yourself to be clear.
3) Realize that you've reached that cross-road: he's not your friend, can never be just your friend, and even if he says otherwise, to him "friendship" is just a way of building towards the relationship you don't want to happen.
4) Adopt some safety guidelines
a) Don't be alone with him. He'll be looking for opportunities to make a move or ask you out. It's not that he's necessarily going to attack you, but the goal here is to repel him, not give him openings.
b) Don't give him your phone number or address. Whatever the excuse, unless you really do want him in your life, there's no reason for him to have your contact information. What do you do if he asks? Say no. Seriously. Don't embellish or soften.
"Can I have your phone number?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to call me."
"You're hurting my feelings . . ."
"Well that's your choice, not mine."
c) Watch what you say. No confiding, no "just friends" talk, and don't make excuses for why you can't go out with him Friday. Be kind, but be blunt.
"Hey, want to go grab a bite to eat?"
"No, thank you."
"Aw, come on, my treat."
"I don't think so."
"Why not? I won't bite!"
"Because I'm not interested in you romantically and I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
"This is not a date! Just two friends going to lunch."
"You seem like a nice guy, so please stop putting me on the spot. Besides, men and women can't be friends; Bro Jo says so." (sorry, couldn't resist)
Excuses are heard as "I can't go to lunch today, but I'd love to go out next week" - if you don't mean it, don't say it.
And embellishments can give hope when, as you well know, there is none. "You're just too good for me" isn't a nice way to say no, for some guys it's "tell me I'm valuable and worthy of your love".
d) Be ready to offer the alternative. "You're too old for me, but you may want to ask out _____." "I don't see you and I together, but you might meet some nice women at the upcoming Single Adult Activity at my Church" (that one's a win-win-win, as far as I'm concerned".
5) If he never makes a clear move, but keeps making you feel uncomfortable, you have to tell him, in a public place (like after class, but still in the big open classroom). "Hey, (insert name here, use Mr. His-last-name if he's a lot older - that will set the tone), I need to tell you that I feel that the words and things you're doing are inappropriate. I feel like you're coming on to me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Whether that's your intention or not, I need you to stop, please." Communication is the Key, if you don't come right and tell him, you can't expect him to know or understand. He will probably be embarrassed, so he'll be dismissive or defensive. If he is, just let him say what he has to say. You don't own him anything, certainly not an apology for any misunderstanding that he may try to blame on you, so don't say you're sorry. Just tell him that you're glad the two of you had this little chat, and that you hope he understands what you've been saying.
Even if HE apologizes (which would be the best thing), you needn't feel bad. You've done the right thing, and eventually, even if he's unpleasant now, both of you will be grateful you had the conversation.
So, to summarize:
1) Evaluate.
2) Prepare to be clear.
3) There is no "safe friendship zone".
4) Avoid, shoot down, divert.
5) Communicate.
In answer to one of your questions, I think you do need to talk to your other classroom buddy or your sensei and ask them to help you accomplish 4 a. Another Gal would be a much better choice because you run the risk that they may think you should date this guy OR because they may like you as well, so putting them in the role of your protector may send them a signal that you like them. I'm sorry, I know it's complicated, but that's the way life goes (it's also one of the reasons marriage is so great and being single sucks rocks).
Take some solace in that you're going back to school soon. Perhaps when you come back next time he will have found someone else.
- Bro Jo
PS - I actually enjoyed story time.
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you! And double thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I wasn't quite sure how to handle this at all and you've given me some things to think about. I'll definitely use those lines and guides lines you gave me because I really really REALLY don't want anything to happen between us. Because (as you've probably guessed) I am SO NOT attracted to him. Not interested. He's not bad looking, I just don't want what’s in the package (widow, age, eleven year old son, non-member, and some other issues. I'm almost twenty, I would consider hundreds of other men before this guy).
My other buddy is actually in his late 30's early 40's and happily married with five kids. His eldest attends the class too and his wife sometimes comes to watch us work, so I'm not too worried about him. He'd most likely understand and back me up actually. He has daughters of his own so he gets it. Sensei....well lets just say that Sensei would be happiest if I waited for this man to "take action" and then punch his lights out. He takes great pride in his female students and even greater pride when one of them has used his teachings in the real world to get out of a situation. Every time I come home from college (and even before I graduated high school!) he'd lecture me to prepare to punch those college guys out if they ever got too friendly. One of his own students is no exception. (And yes he actually said that.) He means well, but for everyone concerned, it'd be better if he wasn't aware of this at all. There are a couple of high school girls in my class, but they don't attend regularly. One of them is a black belt whose been in the class longer than I have. But if they knew about this it would be like setting a match to a powder keg. Even worse than Sensei! Still they'd make a good cover so long as they weren't aware that they were a cover.
I am aware that I am not 12 anymore. Still the idea of being attractive to anybody is new. I never was the "attractive one" growing up. True, I've noticed that I have...grown into myself more the last couple of years and I no longer find the face in the mirror terrifying. I'd even say it was pretty. I haven't gone on a lot of dates, but I do enjoy dating in college. Sadly, none of the guys I like seem to like me. Oh well, only almost 20, I've got plenty of years to find somebody who enjoys my brand of personality.
I will try to be gentle, but firm and clear with him. I know his divorce has made him very tender about love. His ex had hurt him pretty bad. From what I understand she was a live wire and he was a controlling husband. I don't think he had a very good view of women for a few years after that. I do pity him, but it still grosses me out even picturing us together. I really don't think he's a pervert, I was just saying that to get your attention. And pervert used to be my word to define much older men chasing younger women. I am glad that he is trying to move on with his life. I just wish he didn't consider me a possible part of the equation.
Do you want me to keep you updated and let you know what happens if anything does?
-Wonder
Dear Wonder,
Well . . . you DID get my attention!
(Good for you!)
Sure! Keep my updated!
But I'm certain you'll be fine.
All the best,
- Bro Jo
PS - I think it's pretty decent of you to be considering his feelings and wise that you're aware of what can happen when the rumor mill gets a hold of things like this.
Dear Bro Jo,
Hey, so you know that pervert I wrote to you about? Well, he's backed off. I think my one friend talked to him. So it's all good. Thanks Bro Jo.
- Wonder
You're welcome! (But I think you handled this one great on your own.)
- Bro Jo
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