When a Guy asks a Girl out, what does it mean?!?

[Readers: I received a very thoughtful comment on my Sunday, March 7th, column "A Mess of Friends", that I feel merits a longer response than will fit in the comments section. To that ends I'm quoting the comment here; my response follows. - Bro Jo]


Anonymous said...

Okay this is sort of a random comment and I 100% agree that Guys and Girls can't just be friends (I have four brothers, no sisters and so I feel like I understand some things from the guys side of view). Anyways, you say that guys really don't start paying attention or talking to you very much unless they like you because let's face it, they are guys! But on the other hand you tell us girls that we shouldn't get all excited thinking the boy likes us when a guy asks us out on a date(sorry if I'm getting this all wrong, I don't remember exactly).

I agree that a girl shouldn't automatically assume they are boyfriend and girlfriend after one date and treat him like they're together. I'm just a little confused about mixed messages. If he didn't like the girl (unless it's a pity date, which would be sad) he wouldn't have asked her out in the first place right? So is a girl's reaction an over reaction if we understand how guys flirt with the girls they like and practically don't see the other ones?

March 7, 2010 8:33 PM


Dear Annon,

That's a great question, and a really good comment.

This stuff sure gets complicated, doesn't it?

Yes, if a guy asks a girl out I think it's safe to say that he likes her ON SOME LEVEL. Even if it's what you might classify as a "pity date" (which, by the way, I don't believe exists - here's why - ) he clearly likes her in some way; even if it's just that he thinks she's a nice girl and should get asked out on dates, he still likes her.

The difference is in to what degree does he like her.

Does he think she's cute?

Does he think she's nice?

Does he think she's fun?

Does he think she smells good?

Does he think she's a good person?

Does he find her interesting to talk to?

Does he have no idea, but (wisely) figures that to date her is the best way to find out if she's one or more of the above?

All of those can be reasons for taking her out.

And, the truth is, he may find her to be the most beautiful, smart, fun, good-smelling, great conversationalist ever . . . he may be madly in-love with her, but because the timing is wrong, or he's shy, or his best friend thinks he's in love with her, or a million other reasons 9some good, some bad) he may not want her to be his girlfriend . . . right now.

I'll confess that I flirted with girls that I didn't find attractive on ANY level simply because it boosted my own ego if it worked, if they felt flattered. (I know that sounds not very nice, and maybe it wasn't, but I'd like to think that while it made me feel good it made them feel good, too. Perhaps I need to send out a few more apologies . . .)

So . . . What's a girl supposed to do?!?

Go on the date. Have a good time. Don't read too much into what he does or says unless it's obvious (and even then . . .) Perhaps take some solace in the fact that, when it comes to all of this relationship stuff, we guys feel dumber, more confused, and more awkward than we're sure you do.

We're all going to make mistakes, over react, under react . . . I guess the bottom line is to just be willing to put yourself out there and take some risks. When it comes to relationships, there are no "pain free" guarantees.

I think if a guy asks a girl out she's right to think that he likes her, in some way, on some level. Heck, this all started because I was making the point that he wouldn't even be her "close friend" if he didn't like her . . .

But there can be a long road, with many forks, between "hey, I kinda like her, I think I'll take her out" and true love. (Check out "Bro Jo's LEVELS of a RELATIONSHIP")

And, yes, I think this all gets confused because you have guys out there proposing on the first date and girls thinking that one date means he's in love . . . both are quite nutty.

Let's all just take a collective breath and realize that dating is good, we all need to relax, and no matter how confusing or convoluted or complicated or crazy or crushing it may be, when all is said and done, it's totally worth it.

- Bro Jo