Understanding a Breakup

Hi Bro Jo,

I need some advice on a break up and I couldn't figure out who to talk to about this, so I figured I'd send you an email to get an outside, unbiased opinion.

I was dating a guy for not too long and last night he decided to call me and tell me that he just wants to be friends. I told me that he was still attracted to me, was the most unique girl he'd ever met, and still liked me, felt connected to me emotionally and spiritually and physically, but he has liked girls more in past relationships. He told me that I was a girl that every guy was looking for and that when the right guy came along at the right time, that things will work out.

This guy also suffers from bipolar disorder and told me that he doesn't deserve to be happy and it wasn't in the cards for him to be happy. He also told me that he isn't ready for marriage for various reasons and knew that I wanted to be in a relationship that was progressing toward marriage and he didn't want me to waste my time waiting on him.

I guess I'm just trying to sort out why he really broke up with me. Was it because he really wasn't into me, or was it because he was scared of committing and couldn't bring himself to commit to a relationship?

I'm heartbroken obviously and I've done a lot of crying and replaying of everything that had happened. I feel like an idiot for trying to work things out with him despite him telling me beforehand that he didn't feel ready for marriage. Guess I thought I could change that.

Anyways, any advice or ideas about why he may have broken up with me and even advice on how to move on from this and not be scared of getting my hear broken again would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

Lucky you!

My world is full of people who would love to have even been in a relationship at all . . . so I guess there's that.

I just read your email (keeping it anonymous) to my living room full of my YSA and Young Married Jo Kids.  They all said the same things I had planned to say to you.

1.  What a sad email!

2.  That guy is a total loser!

3.  She's lucky she got out of that relationship when she did!

I get that you like the guy . . . but he really does seem like he's not a very good guy.  What he said to you is awful, and if he doesn't want to stay in a relationship with you he can't be very bright.  Plus one needs to be . . . very . . . cautious . . . about getting into a relationship with someone who has major psychological problems . . . real OR imagined.

Time will heal this wound.

Be willing to go out with any non-murderer that asks (hoping that makes you smile), and as Sister Jo says, being of service helps us feel better.  So do that, too!

- Bro Jo



*** One Year Later ***



Dear Bro Jo,

It's been about a year and I never responded to your email! Figured I would thank you for your thoughts and update you on things.

That break up was difficult and it took a little time to get over it, but I did get over it. Once I got past feeling hurt, I realized how right you were. What he said was awful and I was lucky to get out of that relationship. I can see now why it was a huge blessing to not be in that relationship anymore.

I took your advice and tried doing more service and I went out with any non-murderer that asked (definitely got a big smile out of that one!). I went on several dates that never really went anywhere, but I had lots of fun.

One guy in particular asked me out and I wasn't really that interested, but I went anyways (I mean he was a non-murderer so I had to go!). We ended up hitting it off and spent hours and hours just talking on that first date. We are now engaged and getting married in the (Location Withheld) Temple in March!

If I had stayed in that past relationship, I know I would have been unhappy and I wouldn't have met my fiance. Because of that relationship, I learned what I wanted in a spouse and I found those things and more in my fiance. Thank you for your kind words and advice from almost a year ago.

Also as a side note,  your list of stuff you need to know before you get engaged was extremely helpful! It was a great resource to refer to when we wanted to talk about the big and important things. There was stuff on there we would not have thought of on our own.

Thanks again for your advice and for your blog!

- NW




Dear NW,

What a wonderful email to get to read today!

Very happy for you.  Thank you for your kind words and positive outlook.

Oh . . . and . . .CONGRATULATIONS!

Best,

- Bro Jo

Bro Jo is Taking a Break from Posting, but Still Answering Your Emails

Dear Readers,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm taking a little break from posting letters here.  No particular reason other than that life is super busy right now.

However, I am still receiving and responding to your emails at dearbrojo@gmail.com.

All the best,

- Bro Jo

Value in . . . You Know . . . Talking

Dear Bro Jo,

I've read a lot of advice from your blog, and I really love it and think it would be very effective in those situations. I'm in a situation of my own right now, and don't really know where to go with it. I'll take any advice you can give :) here's the deal:

I met this guy about a month ago. My parents and his aunt and uncle set us up on a date, and we hit it off very well. Neither of us even knew the other existed before this date, though he is my back-door neighbor (living with said aunt and uncle). Since then, we've gone out/"hung out" several times. We hug after every time, and he even held my hand once while we watched a movie. My family loves him, my dad thinks he really likes me, since he wants to do stuff all the time.  However, he has never mentioned at ALL if he likes me or not or wants to continue to date me.

Part of me respects him for that. I have met lots of guys who are unreadable, but at least after a but they somehow try to tell me how they feel. I've gone out with lots of guys that are too bold, who I've not been interested in. Or those that flirt too much, I don't feel "special". But another part of me is confused as to why he hasn't said anything. If he just thinks I'm a fun friend, I'd like to know..

I do think he's shy or nervous, so he's trying to hide maybe? But.. I am shy too. But I've tried to slip in little things like "hey, I had fun with you tonight" or "I missed hanging out with you the last couple days" to give him a lead or whatever, but he changes the subject it avoids the question. When we DO hang out, many times his sister is there with us too, and to me, it seems to be a simple excuse not to do or say things, if she's there. Though she is super fun and I like her too!

I've met some of his family, and they've made little comments that make it seem like he could like me, but, it could also be that THEY like me and want things to progress... Who knows.

My family already considers us to be "unofficially dating"... But... I don't. Just because he has never said anything even closely related to the topic.

I guess then what my questions are... Does he like me? What should I do in this situation? How can I get him to open up and tell me how he feels? Do I be patient, or gather up all my courage to be bold? If someone else asks me on a date, do I go?

Thank you so much for your help.. It is greatly appreciated in advance. You're the greatest! :)

- Learning to Read Boys




Dear Learning,

You don't mention how old either of you are, so my answer could be one of two different things.

If you're still in High School, my advice is to not take any one boy too seriously and go on lots of Casual Group Dates with lots of different boys.  Keep your "hanging out" in groups (movie parties, mini golf, stuff like that).

If you're an adult . . . well, that's a different story.

First of all, when people talk about “reading” often what they mean is that they expect to be able to guess what's on a person's mind instead of actually . . . you know . . . TALKING to them.  All of the questions you're asking me you should be asking him.

"So . . . I'm sorry if I sound naive, but I'm really in the dark here.  Do you like me?  Do you think of us as a couple?  Are we just buddies or is this something more?  How do you want me to respond to other guys when they ask me out?"

Those are all fair, legitimate questions.

Sure, one can imply that because you're together so much that neither of you is seeing anyone else, but the problem is that you HANG OUT instead of GO OUT.  It's fine to introduce hanging out AFTER one is officially a couple, but even then you should still GO OUT on dates at least once a week (a habit, by the way, which should never end, even during marriage; especially then, actually).

I'm guessing that this boy has no more dating experience than you do; that means you'll need to do some training.  You'll need to teach him that he needs to take you out on an official date at least once a week.  You'll need to tell him things like "you know, once in a while a girl likes to get flowers".  If you do these things in a kind, flirty way, I think the two of you will grow AND have a lot of fun.

AND, if you are Serious Single Dating age, after your third official date (counting the ones he's already taken you on), you might want to ask "so . . . why is it that a smart guy like you hasn't tried to kiss me yet?"


- Bro Jo

How to Not Get Led On

Dear Bro Jo,

So, I'm an RM guy going to college.

There have been two times in my life where I've been pretty sure a girl liked me. One was my freshman year.  All the normal things: we talked alone for a few hours the first time we met (in a public place, don't worry), she texted first, we did lots of things together, and she was pretty flirtatious.  Turns out, she had a boyfriend this whole time.

Pretty recently, a different girl was dropping some serious hints: playful pushes, sassy smirks, the whole shebang.  One day, she mentioned that she was single.  Three times.  She mentioned that she wanted a certain guy to ask her on a date.  So I take the "hint" and ask her on a date.  She says no.

In both situations, I told friends (both guys and girls) about the things she said/did (honestly, no embellishing) and was told, "Yeah, she wants you to ask her on a date!"

Am I just forever doomed to being led on?  Am I doing something wrong?

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

I don't think you're doomed.  I just think you happened to have had two bad experiences in a row.

Might happen . . . I don't know . . . a thousand more times . . .

Any clear thinking individual would think these girls were interested in you.  I have no idea what their deal was.

But I promise you that there are lots of girls out there that are not like this.

Might take a few more misses to find one . . . but it's worth it!

- Bro Jo

Should She Move to Date?

Dear Bro Jo,

I've debated writing this for a while now.  I'm not really sure where to start, or what my question really is but here I go... I live in a place where the church is really quite small and attend a YSA ward where there aren't many guys that are dating.  Basically the only ones that are, are in serious relationships already.  I've tried hinting at going on dates and such, and have managed a few but never anything serious.  I've been home from my mission for a year and have only been on 3 dates with 3 different guys in my ward.  There is so much pressure to find a husband but there isn't anyone where I live that I think is worth dating.  Mainly because the only ones not in serious relationships are either preparing for a mission (and I don't want to get in the way of that) or not temple worthy.  There is one new guy in the ward who is an RM and temple worthy but it seems like he's fallen for the "cutest girl in YSA" and we don't talk very often.

Recently, I took a trip to Utah and met up with one of the Elders that served in the same mission as me that I had met in the MTC.  We never really served together and I think I saw him 5 times max on the mission.  But we met up nonetheless.  And I had a really good time.  We sat and talked for about an hour and I hadn't laughed as much as I did with him in my life.  He spent most of the hour trying to convince me to move to Utah.  He had it basically all planned out for me.  I texted him later and asked him why he wanted me to move there so badly and he told me he just wanted me to be happy and he didn't think I was happy where I am (in Canada).  Of course, he would be right.  He's really nice and I really like how I feel and who I am around him.  He makes me want to be a better person and gives me hope that there is a guy out there somewhere (if not him) that would want to see me happy and see me do well in life.  Also, he gives me hope that one day I could be sealed in the temple.  It's been a week since I saw him and I think about him constantly...I'm such a girl.

I was talking to one of my companions and she brought up the fact that if I do move there, it doesn't mean that I will date him, but it does open many more opportunities than what I have now.  Not only for dates but also for spiritual growth as well as I would have more access to temples and such (the closest one right now is 6 hours away).  So moving there looks like a good idea right now, even just for a semester or two.  But my parents aren't supportive.  Right now, they're paying for my school and say they can't afford to send me there.  Even though it would only be a little more expensive because of the exchange rate.  There is no way I could afford to go there on my own unless I were to take some time off from school and work which isn't bad but not the greatest plan either.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is do you think it would be a good idea to move down for a bit?  And if so, what is the best way to convince my parents to let me go?  Also, should I continue texting the person I met on the mission and see where it leads even if I don't move right away?

Sorry for my rambling, I just need an outsider's opinion on this and I think most of all, I needed to see my thoughts written out on paper.  Thanks for all that you do!

- Name Withheld




Dear Friend,

You're an adult and a Return Missionary.  You don't need to convince your parents or get their permission.  If you feel the Lord would have you move, then move.  (Which, given the circumstances, I also happen to think is a good idea.) 

If your parents can't, or won't, help you financially then get a job.  You're an adult.  That's what adults do.

I agree that you should keep texting with this guy (just don't be the one that always initiates the conversation), but I also think you should make plans to move as soon as possible. 

You are at the point in your life where it's time to begin forming an eternal family.  If that isn't going to happen where you are, you need to move to where the odds are better.

That's my opinion, anyway.

- Bro Jo

When Someone is Using You

Dear Bro Jo,

    I am coming to you today for advise because I'm have a hard time deciding on a plan of action. Here is some background on my situation. When I was in my senior year of high school I really had strong feelings for a young man let’s call him "Sam" who held very different beliefs than I did. I found out that he did not have feelings for me. With some very poor judgement I agreed to be in a "friends with benefits" situation this young man though had much higher expectations about what a "friends with benefits" relationship entailed and I think because of my own temptation, my desire to be close to him, and my insecurity. I made some mistakes, mistakes that really scared me emotionally because I had let myself be used, in fact I had chosen to be used instead of moving on. He eventually ended the relationship because I was getting too attached. I was left broken. I had shut my beliefs and my conscience (the Holy Ghost) to the back of my mind. It made myself numb to guilt and pain for quite a while. It took a whole lot for me to pull myself together. I did though, I eventually talked to my Bishop and got everything worked out.

    I am very embarrassed to say that I am a female with a very high physical temptation. It's not something talked about very often and most of the time talks about pornography and masturbation are saved for the young men and young adults in the church. I've had a very hard time because I am very tempted. It makes me very sad and I am so very hard on myself when I make a mistake because I have a testimony I really do, but I'm afraid that I will never be strong enough to be pure. I'm afraid that I have ruined my mind. I have talked to my bishop and sometimes I get it under control for a while, but it something that I can never let my guard down on. As soon I do I make a mistake again.

At this point I'm afraid to date even because I know that if physical, I will be so tempted to take it further.

    Recently I have come into contact with Sam. It has been two and a half years since we graduated high school. Through this time we have always remain friends, though not always close friends.

In April Sam was broken up with by his girlfriend of two years. He was crushed. Just completely heart broken, insecure, and lonely. Although I was dating someone at the time I did take the time to talk to him and try to help him through this tough time.

We became close.

After I broke up with my boyfriend due to his mission we became even closer. I feel like in a whole lot of ways he needs me to be there for him. The problem is that there is always a temptation with him. I know him well and I know he is an extremely physical person with very different standards. I had hoped that I could be strong, but I fell to temptation with him. In a lot ways its the same thing because Sam doesn't have romantic feelings towards me and I don't think I have them for him either.

     At this point I am hurt and so sorrowful because I sinned against God who I know is the most important. 

I feel empty.

I know that to repent I need to talk to my Bishop and I will. I guess my real question is, should I remain in contact with this person?

He is such a huge part of my life right now, not always a positive part, but also not always a negative part. I love him and care about so much as a friend and I don't want to abandon him in his time of need.

He is my best friend, but he makes it harder for me to resists the temptations in my life. In fact he is a huge temptation for me.

I know that he would be hurt if I cut contact with him. It is my hope that one day I will be strong enough to be an example for Sam, but my weaknesses have yet to become my strengths.

Any advice Bro Jo?

- Confused and Broken




Dear Confused,

Oh boy.

Little Sister . . . you have so much more value than you seem to think you do.

Because I care, I'm going to be very, very honest with you.

“Sam” is not your friend.  He does not care about you.  He doesn't love you.

All you are to him is someone he can use physically to make himself feel better.

He doesn't love you.  He can't.  He doesn't respect you.  You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.

Your entire relationship with Sam is centered around him feeling better and you feeling worse.

It's sometimes hard for us to know what to do because we're in so deep.  Not being able to see the forest for the trees sort of a thing.

What I'm saying is . . .

You need to cut him out of your life.  Entirely.

He's a cancer.

Think of it this way:  in order for us to heal we need to stop hurting ourselves.  You can't heal the burn on your hand if you won't stop touching the stove.

Do talk to your Bishop right away.

And, seriously, consider please getting some counseling as well.  It just seems to me that you have some lack-of-self-esteem stuff going on you need to overcome.

You need to realize that you are a beautiful, wonderful, daughter of God, and as such are awesome!

No man can ever prove that to be true, nor take it away.

I know that as you work to mend your relationship with the Savior you'll feel better. 

And I really feel that cutting Sam out of your life, cleanly and right away, is essential to starting down that road.

(And, remember:  because of the Savior and the Atonement, we're never totally "broken'!)

- Bro Jo

Should They Get Back Together

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey Brother Johnston!

My boyfriend and I broke up six weeks ago after dating for two months.

It's not my first broken heart and I'm moving on.

While I don't know exactly the reason he broke up with me it boils down to the fact that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I am! I loved the experience!

I felt energized by our conversations, loved trying new things together and felt totally accepted. I made changes to become a better person because of him and I am always going to be grateful for that. I was beginning to love him.

And yes, I could see a future.

I am moving on but still have feelings of wanting him back. I tell myself that it is just the addiction center of my brain talking, and I shouldn't listen. But it talks back.

Is it possible for us to get back together - that happens right?

How do you know if that's right?

Maybe he isn't the guy for me and his bowing out of what I thought was an amazing relationship is a blessing in disguise.

But there's also the fact that we got along like none other, he was really kind, honest and hilarious.

Can I find someone better than that?

Maybe I need to let my guard down and date more people to know for sure.

And wait. Upon. The. Lord.

Thanks!!

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

I agree that you need to date more people and trust in the Lord's timing.

I don't agree that this is the only man you could ever get along with in this way.

Yes, people get back together, but it's rare, and even rarer that doing so works out.

Unless he's not ready to be serious because he's pre-mission, everything else that might "really be the reason" is . . . well . . . not good.

Most often (and believe me when I say that I think he's making a mistake here) when a person (girls do it too) says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" they're leaving off the rest of the sentence. 

The whole sentence is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship . . .WITH YOU".

I know that's painful.  I've been on the receiving end of that more times than I care to admit.  But if it's how they feel it's better to know right away than to be stuck in a going-nowhere relationship, wasting time instead of finding someone else.

So don't wait around.

If, someday, he actually realizes what a mistake he's made and IF you feel like he's ready to be serious and not just lonely and hanging onto you until he changes his mind or someone else comes along . . . IF . . . then you can consider it.

But, until then, keep dating!

- Bro Jo

What Does It Take to Get from Broken Heart to New Boyfriend?

Dear Bro Jo,

I had my heart broken, crushed and mutilated pretty badly earlier this year by a man I wanted to marry for 7 years, so I went on a "man-vegan" diet and actively avoided dating for many months until I was emotionally ready. Suddenly two of my friends from different circles both set me up with the same guy. The moment we were introduced I was overcome with peace. He exceeded all of my expectations, makes me happier than my original plan and makes me want to be better.

In the last month and a half we've seen each other about 3 times a week. I always have Sunday dinner and devotional at his apartment. We've been on about 4 official dates and they have been amazing! I can't say enough about how much I respect him and enjoy being with him. We haven't held hands yet, but that is definitely the next step.

But there's a problem.

I am getting so many mixed signals.

He is making the time to take me on dates and include me in his life. We have two dates this week, plus Sunday dinner. When we are alone together we have great quality time and super deep talks. We speak openly about the gospel and laugh about everything. Our quality time is so genuine. He says things like, "You and my mom would get along so well!" and then comments about how he wants to marry someone like his mom. We even won a "Celestial Marriage" game against 5 other partners! I feel so natural with him and it breaks my heart to think of him not being in my life. He keeps planning vague things in the future so I assume he wants me in his life as well.

BUT. Every other week is hot and cold. Sometimes I feel snubbed by him. He won't answer my texts for days at a time (he's getting better at that). When we are in a group I don't feel like he is trying to have "moments" with me.

I know that he is really busy; he works full time and is in the business school at BYU. He is also generally a really bad texter. I could never ever see him being mean or sending secret messages on purpose -- he isn't that kind of a person. If he didn't like he he'd tell me straight out so I figured that things were working out and that he was showing real interest when he asked me on two dates this week.

The reason I'm writing is because we went on our date today. When he picked me up from campus I hopped in his car and realized that he was talking on the phone with an old friend of his. He was talking to this girl about celebrating her good test scores by going out for milkshakes. He acknowledged me and was really friendly but continued to talk to this girl. He didn't try to speed up the conversation or say he'd call her back later. I don't know the context of their relationship...maybe it's totally platonic, but I felt like I was listening to him plan a date with someone else while we were on a date. The rest of the date was awesome and we talked for 2 hours instead of the quick 45 minutes that we'd planned on.

My conflict is that I don't want to invest more than I already have if he isn't going to make up his mind. Is he incredibly oblivious or does he not know what he wants?

I'm not the type of girl who waits around. It irritates me that I'm still sitting here.

Bro Jo, should I hike up my self worth and walk in a different direction or should I stay for a while longer?

Sincerely,

- Uber Confused



Dear Uber,

What you should do is:  Slow down

Communicate more

And stop looking for reasons to dump a good relationship ... especially this early.
In our lives we often swing a pendulum from one extreme to another.  Seven years is a very long time to be in a relationship that doesn't work out, but six weeks is way too early to make demands or jump ship.

I agree that he shouldn't be planning dates with his ex ... particularly while he's on a date with you.  But if we look at the available evidence we have no reason to believe that he's experienced enough in relationships to know that.

The two of you have a great time together, and you're spending a lot of time together.  That alone should tell you that things are going well.

At your age I don't understand how holding hands and kissing didn't happen three weeks ago... I agree that step needs to be reached very soon.

I don't agree that you're getting mixed signals.  I think you just need to be a little more bold, a little more honest.

When he got off the phone you should have asked him why he was making date plans with his ex.  That question, asked in a non-confrontational way, could have been enlightening for you both.  He may have learned that's not something he should be doing, and you would have been able to express how you feel without seeming angry.

What if he's just looking for the opportunity to get some of his stuff back or finally get rid of her stuff that she left in his car?

And consider this:  it's not like he was hiding this from you.  That should tell you something.
If things in your relationship bother you, talk about them ... in the most calm, rational way you can.

I understand that you're still wary and hurting from the last guy, but I see no reason yet to stop giving this new guy a chance.

Now, seriously, the next time you're together make sure you hold his hand and at least kiss him goodbye.

And by all means, ask him about this milkshakes plan.

Communication is the key in any relationship. .. verbal and non-verbal.

- Bro Jo




Bro Jo,

He surprised me last night by showing up at my house!

He was going to take me on a date but we all had so much fun playing music at my apartment that we ended up staying there.

Once everyone else had filtered out I brought up the milkshake plan. Turns out that she is his best friend from forever ago and he was just checking up on her. I also asked him why we'd been hot and cold...apparently last week he took a break to see if he really wanted to date me.

And he decided that he does!

We are official now!

I feel so much better about all of this!

Thanks for your advice!:)

- Uber Relieved and Happy

P.S. We had our third hug yesterday...hand holding should happen someday haha




Dear Uber,

Patience pays off!

(Still think you should have kissed him, though!  It'll happen, I'm sure.)

Congratulations,

- Bro Jo

Getting a Date to Mormon Prom

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi Bro Jo!

My stake has been invited to a multi stake laurel priest prom that will take place I'm a few months.

I would really like to go to this prom. It should be a lot of fun since there will be 10 stakes there, and I also want to do something that is part of my "high school experience," if you know what I mean.

However, my stake doesn't have many youth-and most of the them are actually in my ward. Unfortunately, even with that, there's really not much of an opportunity to go on causal group dates because most of them have steady boy/girlfriends, and several of them are actually dating each other.

Because of the steady dating situation that shouldn't be going on but is, I've never been on a group date. (I'm 17.)

So knowing I most likely will not be asked to the dance, I'm wondering if it would be ok for me to ask someone? Even if it's not an official "girls ask guys" dance?

I could potentially ask a nice YM in my ward who recently broke up with his girlfriend (who is actually not in our ward, by the way, so that's not a problem), but I don't know him hardly at all.

I could potentially ask a YM in another stake who I know a tiny bit better, but we haven't talked or seen each other in a while.

I could also potentially ask the older brother of my younger sister's best friend. They're actually a nonmember family, but are very active at the Christian church they go to, occasionally participate in some of our Church-related activities, and have nearly the exact same standards as us members do. However, I don't really know this boy very well, either.

I would be open to asking any three of these boys, even if it's unconventional. However, since I don't really know any of them that well right now, it would definitely be odd and awkward to straight up ask one them if he would go to prom with me.

Is there something(s) I could do between now and when I would need to ask one of them to prom that would make it less awkward?

For the example, my neighbor and good friend who is in my ward is friends with both the nonmember boy and the boy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I know I can be direct with him without sounding desperate, so could I ask him to set up a group date sometime so that I could get to know this boy better? (Or say something to that effect.) 

Thank you for your time and opinion,

- To Prom or Not To Prom




Dear To Prom,

Before you cross the "do the asking" bridge, I'd like to see you try to get these young men to ask you.

For example:

With the Young Man in your ward who is recently single, you could say "you know, I don't have a date yet for this prom thing coming up . . . it sure would be great if a nice, recently single guy would ask me . . ."

You could text the YM in the other Stake, have a bit of a conversation, and then after a while ask him if he's gotten a date to this thing yet.  If he says no you could respond "me either" and leave it at that.

And as for the boy who is the brother of your sister's friend, I think it might be pretty effective to enlist the help of your sister and her friend.  I'm sure the three of you conspiring together could come up with a way to get him to ask you.

Using our friends and relatives for dating help can be a great idea.

Good luck!

And let me know how it goes, please.

- Bro Jo

Making a Move Before the Semester Ends

Dear Bro Jo,

I realize that this you probably get hundreds of these a day. However, I have had something weighing on my mind.

I am now a senior at BYU-Idaho and I have known someone all semester and progressively developed feelings for this person but never really pursued it because he was sort of like my boss for a volunteer position.

I do this quite consistently . . . not pursuing my interests . . . I am tired of this pattern!

This person also graduates at the end of July and I'm not sure how to pursue anything whether, it should be a group thing so I can feel the person out more or if it should be a one on one type ordeal.

I do however feel that I need to start being more brave so I can get more experience dating while at BYU-Idaho whether or not I do meet my future spouse or not.

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

Sorry I'm just now seeing this message. The best way to communicate with me is by sending me an email. dearbrojo@gmail.com

Boss at a volunteer thing is NOT an obstacle.

If you don't do something, your chance may be lost forever, and that inaction may haunt you for quite a while.

If you really like him, and if he's a Good Guy, go up to him (SOON), one on one, and say: "I just want you to know that I've spent this whole semester hoping you would ask me out on a date".

Then touch his arm, look him in the eye, and wait quietly to see what he does.

If after a moment he doesn't say anything, or doesn't ask you out right then and there, say "Here's my phone number" and hand him a piece of paper with your name and number on it.

(Yes, even if he already has it.)

Then smile, touch him again, and walk away not looking back. If he doesn't call or talk to you about it in a week or so, move on.

How's that for brave?

Good luck!

And let us know how it goes!

- Bro Jo

Will Her Confession Get Him Sent Home?

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been seeing this guy for a year and things have been great. But the closer it got to him to leave on his mission we began to spend more time to gather alone .

During this time we did make out a lot and he would lift of his shirt and garment top so he could feel his skin next to mine both shirts stayed on but they were lifted enough so we could touch each other back and stomach.

He has left on his mission we never told the Bishop what we had done because he said it was okay that we didn't do anything wrong, but now that I'm planning to go on a mission myself I would like to repent properly and tell my Bishop.

Will it get my elder in trouble since he hasn't repented and  he still feels he did nothing wrong?

I don't want to miss out on me serving a mission with a pure heart.

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

When it comes to concerns about worthiness it's always better to talk to your Bishop than to not.

While I'm sure the guy you were seeing (you do understand, I hope, that you're not currently seeing each other?  and that it's a little inappropriate for you to call him "my elder", I hope . . .) is a great guy and all, generally speaking when you've done something that you feel uncomfortable about and the man you did it with is trying to convince you that it's okay and you did nothing wrong you're better off listening to the Spirit than the man.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

When I go and tell my Bishop will they force him to come home from his mission since he did not repent because he was leaving soon?

He's already been out 6 months .

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

You and I have no real way of knowing what he's said or not said to his Bishop, Stake President, and Mission President.

Nor is it our place to determine what qualifies as a reason to be sent home.

If he is to be sent home (which I doubt, by the way) that reality should never keep you from doing the right thing.

Being sent home, like any Church discipline, isn't a "punishment", it's a step taken to help that person mend things with the Savior; to help them feel the Spirit again.

It's not my place to shield Sister Jo from the need to repent, nor she me.  Further, to do so would hinder the other person's Spiritual Progression.  You never keep someone you love from mending things with God.

You focus on your own situation and love them and help and support them.

But never get in the way.

- Bro Jo

Guys Like to Be Touched

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi Bro Jo! I commented on the "When all the girls around you seem to be waiting" post, and I decided to email you my reply.

I've read the "how a girl can get a guy to ask her on a date" post a lot haha... Though not recently.  So it was a good refresher :) I guess I just feel like I don't have the power, and that I'm not special enough. I'm *so* shy, and putting myself out even more kinda freaks me out I guess haha. I mean, I talk to guys, and I feel like I'm already putting myself out there, but I guess it's not enough.

Something my roommates have told me is that guys like it when you touch them on like the arm or knees. Is that true?

That shyness seems to keep me in a bubble, and I have the hardest time reaching out...

I don't know if you remember, but I use to email you under the "16 and confused" name. I don't remember when the last time I emailed you was . . . I do remember emailing you about being scared to spread my wings.

I'm sure glad I did!

It's been very hard, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. I just had to take that leap of faith :)

I can't wait to hear from you!

- 18 and Still Confused




Dear Confused,

Yes.  It's true.  Guys like to be touched.  You should try it.  On the arm.  Not the knee or leg.  That's a bit too forward.

Of course you're special!

I wish that once in a while you YSAs would come and tour a "family ward".  Look around at us Old People.  We're not hotties.  We're not intimidating.  We're just people.  Shy.  Awkward.  Not as funny or as fit as we think we are.  Or as we once were.  We're balding and wrinkly and our shape is not the best it's ever been.  But guess what?  Most of us are married.  To someone who we think is pretty dang special.  And who thinks we're special, too.

So stop being so down on yourself.

Chin up!

Love who you are.

The Lord does.

So should you!

Now go out there and Be Kind and Be of Service to others.

And touch the occasional dude's arm, and smile at him while you ask him sincere questions about himself.

It does wonders.

- Bro Jo

Pre-Wedding Temptations and Things to Talk About

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been reading posts on your blog for a while now and I have come to appreciate your honest advice about dating and how we should act in relationships, thus I have a few questions to ask.

A little background: I am a 24 yr old gal and I am currently dating a 22 year old guy who I think is the bomb-diggity, so much so that we are planning on getting married in September. We have been dating for five months and both agreed that a short-ish engagement would be best(three months tops).

We are both RMs and actually both entered the MTC the same day(we never met until after our missions though). My fiancé actually told me that his interest in me began based on how much he felt like I loved my mission (I'm a talker). So really we started out really well, and it keeps getting better.

He chose to forego a running career at a four year out of state university because he wanted to be with me, it took a lot of thinking and prayers, but ultimately he chose me, and I am so grateful because I would not have been a happy camper. We also try to read the book of Mormon and pray together often, and as much as we would rather be together we still attend all our church meetings and extra YSA stuff regularly.

Anyway, recently, well not super recently, we have had a few more heated make out sessions, but ultimately we always stop before going too far and have begun to establish some pretty set rules, which we both recognize are essential. We recognize our triggers and seek to avoid them. He is always very respectful and I am so grateful for it. Although we are pretty good about being good, I have begun to recognize that we both think about our upcoming honeymoon . . . a lot.

And we both recognize that we should probably have a talk about expectations and feelings, etc, but we both don't really know what to talk about or how to start that conversation. So that's the first concern, how and when should we talk about our future relations with each other and what should we even talk about? What would be most appropriate?


My second concern goes along with it.

Since the age of 13 I have struggled with pornography and self-stimulation. I did not speak to my Bishop until I was preparing for a mission, and mostly because the guilt was so all-consuming that I felt that I would not be able to serve.

So glad that I talked to him though because my mission was the best thing I ever chose to do!

I still mess up occasionally, but I know what to do and I strive to avoid triggers, etc. so now to my point (sorry for the long windedness), I don't know if/how/when I should tell my fiancé that I have struggled with this.

I feel like I know a lot about how things work because of my experiences(albeit skewed) and I feel like he doesn't know a lot, and I don't want to be the forward one, although I tend to be anyway.

Yeah, I guess there's not much of a question there, but more of a concern of what to do about it all, because ultimately I don't want to keep secrets. He is my best friend, and I have told him a lot about me that not many others know.

My relationship with him is the greatest blessing in my life and I don't want to hurt him or lose him.

Any advice you could give would be wonderful, and a few extra engagement rules wouldn't hurt either...as good as we are, this summer is going to be a long one.

Thanks in advance,

- Concerned




Dear Concerned,

When a couple enters that period of time where marriage and it's eventually become a regularly discussed topic then yes, these types of things need to be talked about.  Preferably before any proposals are offered or accepted.

Many general rule of thumb is this:

If you have something in your life that is keeping you from being temple worthy then by all means talk to the Bishop right away

If you've repented of something in your past that at that time kept you from being temple worthy, or if you're currently working on something with priesthood authority, share it with your significant other but do so by leading with your testimony of the Savior and His Atonement.


Remember three things:

1)  your need to share does not obligate them to hear everything, nor does it require that you tell all the intimate details

2) no one needs to, nor should, know every single thing about a person before they marry them.

3) communication is the key to any long-term relationship; a big part of that is learning how, when, and what to share


Your willingness to open up to him is a sign of love and trust.  He may be open to hearing everything; he may not.  Just as you are not required to be specific, he is not required to hear all there is to tell.

The point is that you both need to be able to Trust each other with important personal things but at the same time respect each other's boundaries.

Does that make sense?


Now, regarding the fooling around ...

We have been wisely counseled not to do anything that sexually arouses ourselves or the person we're with ... until we're married.  (Then it's not only allowed, it's encouraged!  Heck, I argue that it's required.)

That means you two have reached a point where you probably shouldn't be alone in dark, non-public places anymore.

No sofa cuddling.  No blankets.  No parking.  No alone in the dark.

There's no such thing as "we're being careful" when it comes to not crossing a line.  Once a train is going 100 miles an hour you can't just hit he brakes and expect it to stop in time.

Take it from someone with seven children:  the distance between making out and making babies is not nearly as far as you may think.


If need, get a chaperone.

Everything you're feeling is good and great and wonderful ... it just needs to wait a little longer.

Your wedding is just a couple months away.  You can wait.

And if you can't ... well ... you can always move the date up.  By a month.  Or two.

God bless you both,

- Bro Jo

What Can a Missionary Do When Letters Are Excessive?

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been out on my mission for a couple months now, I'm a little under a year, and I suppose like any Missionary -- I have girl problems.

Now I'm not saying I was, how you call, "The Mack Daddy" back home, but I have some 'followers' still. Now maybe it's not a bad thing to have a little fan club or a friend or so who writes you, but I have been asked by one of my followers if I was going to marry them...

It was a very indirect way, the question wasn't upfront, but it was prevalent for sure.  That's not good. I did my best to kindly tell this young woman that I needed to focus on my mission, which worked quite well, as I did this in my first month or two and haven't received an email since. I think she got the hint, but I wasn't really interested anyway, making it a little easier to get the guts to do it. I also was probably a little more upfront and blunt than I should have been (?)

Now, my question is, how do I tell the girls I AM interested in to write me less? So I can focus more?

I don't want to hurt feelings but I think it's very easy for girls to take it the wrong way. I don't
want to burn Bridges, but I do want to maybe put a road block sign or something Saying "Hey, Girl, this Bridge is under construction right now and is currently unavailable, stay tuned, it'll open again after the summer"

I'm not trying to sound like I'm a lady slayer, but I get Emails every week from some girls, and I appreciate the thought and sentiment, but I feel like every time I get an email, I feel obligated to write back. And I just don't have the time.

And I feel like once a week is too much. Especially for girls I'm not dating. How do I limit correspondence without sounding like a self-righteous jerk?

But in the end, it's all for not (or so it seems), I'm not even sure anything will come from any of these 'potential investigators', as I will be in college, most likely very different colleges as the other girls, so it seems clear to me to not let this distraction, distract me, as there isn't as much opportunity there anyway

To sum it up, in a quick overview, how do I get girls to write me less without cutting any ties, or having minimal damage? Is once a Month a good period, or once every 2 weeks?

Or am I just a Dingus?

Sincerely,

- On the Lord's Errand




Dear Elder,

I know you may not feel this way, but lots of guys wish they had you problem!

The key is, I think, to not write them back as often as they're writing you.  Once a month is the most frequent you should respond, IMHO.  If you don't have time, you don't have time.

It's not impolite, and you won't be burning any bridges.  Skip a few weeks, particularly with those girls who might be .... "the most annoying" ... and, when you do feel inspired to write back ... perhaps in a month ... or two or three ... from now, lead off with "sorry I'm just now getting back to you; mission life is super busy; it is great hearing from you though!"

They'll feel better, and be learning something valuable as well.

A tough but important lesson that we all need to learn I think, made particularly difficult given the technology of the day, is patience.

Be Kind.

But don't feel as though you have to treat every email as if it's on fire.

Keep up the good work!

- Bro Jo

Break Up or Stick It Out? (part 2 of 2)

Dear Bro Jo,

I guess there are a few other factors I may have neglected to mention.

First, we’ve talked about marriage a bit and we are gunning towards it, and it was really nice because we never have had to have that whole “okay, so…where are we going?” talk, it just kind of came up naturally. Her older sister kind of confronted her a little and said “if you guys are gonna get married, why are you waiting?”


So two reasons:

First, she always says “when I’m on my feet, when I have a job, when I have things figured out…” kind of stuff. I can respect that, she wants to feel like she is her own person before she joins lives with another person.

Second, me. I have had some major struggles in the past, before serving a mission, with a pornography addiction. Classic story, it reared its ugly head and I allowed it back into my life after I came home. Today, I am relatively clean. But, I don’t feel like it’s far enough in my past to feel comfortable moving forward with our relationship. She knows about it and is encouraging me and we’re working on it together, and I feel like I’m making huge progress. I just don’t feel like I’m ready yet.


So with that as a backdrop…

I agree, you’re definitely right about me making things more complicated than they are due to my past relationships. I still half believe sometimes that people, not my girlfriend, aren’t being sincere with me about wanting me around or “liking me” or anything. That all makes total sense.

Just to clarify, she visits the foster family at least twice a year, though she did say that after the baby is three or so she’s going to taper off visits, because it would start to get weird. I think being involved has been therapeutic for her, to see that her mistake has turned into a good experience for this family and that the baby girl is doing well. But I agree, it’s kind of a strange situation and it’s weird to think about and try to wrap my mind around at times. Maybe that causes some hesitation.


Anyway, I guess it’s always complicated with me. I appreciate you telling me to stop looking for ways out, this relationship has been nothing but good, and good for me. Regardless of my hesitations and concerns, I should be just grateful that things are working out so well for me, in spite of my own personal failings and weaknesses.

- Clever




Dear Clever,

Sometimes when we are expecting the Lord to tell us "yes; do this; keep going" we miss that he is giving us an answer because he isn't saying "no; don't do it; stop".


Motivation and courage usually need to come from within.


Doubts come from Satan.  If the Lord wants you to stop dating her, he'll tell you in a very clear way.


Until you hear that, I say Carry On!


- Bro Jo

Break Up or Stick It Out? (part 1 of 2)

Bro Jo,

I've written you a few times in the past and I've always appreciated your advice. It's been helpful and usually spot-on. I just have a question that I hope you'll be able to answer in time. I understand that your inbox gets flooded a lot though, so no pressure :)

Okay, so question in a nutshell. And I do apologize for dumping stuff on you, but I haven't been able to share my concerns with anyone else since there are sensitive details that people that know her shouldn't really know. So I'm going to you anonymously as an outside source kind of deal. I hope that's okay.

I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in my last email, we've been dating long-distance since January and things are going well. You might also remember that this is my first relationship since my failed engagement last year, so I'm nervous about things still. Well, I guess we're at that point where we start deciding if things are going to get serious or not and I guess I'm a bit conflicted.

She is a lovely girl. She's like the other half of me in a lot of ways.

We're super similar personality wise and experience wise, and we match really well in so many ways.

The problem I'm finding is that I'm getting a little bit less attracted to her of late.

We both finished work at (Location Withheld) during the winter holiday season, and I came to school and she went home to work for a while before transferring from (School Name Withheld) to wherever she's going next.

So here we are, 6 months later, and she hasn't found a job yet.

She babysits once or twice a week for people in her ward, but that's about it.

She's 22 years old, hasn't decided where to go to school from here, hasn't gotten a job, and just kind of bums around at home. She's done good before, she went to school and went to work where we met, but now she's just...stuck.

It's kind of not very attractive.

She has recently gone out to get applications and things, but I'm concerned that this might just be who she is. She's never gotten her driver's license, and she also spent two years after high school sitting at home getting into trouble and things.

She's repented of her past and definitely moved on, but I'm worried that she's just one of those floater types. I hear all the time "how come my parents keep harassing me about gaining a little weight or about not getting a job?  Can't they recognize that I'm making efforts and that I'm trying?"

Which in my experience is the mantra of a person who can't get their crap together and feels guilty but is trying to make themselves feel better. I've said it, my siblings have all said it, and we were all in the wrong when we did. It's not my job to push her, only to encourage her, but I just do not know if I want to marry someone who is, frankly, a bit lazy and kind of a failure to launch.

But the catch is that I'm kind of basically in love with her and I don't know what to choose.

It's a tough spot, man.


So I'd be content to wait around and see if she follows through on her recent burst of energy and motivation and gets a job and gets crap figured out, but this weekend she wants to make a huge step that I'm not sure if I'm ready for...


So this is the sensitive part.

When she was just out of high school she made a mistake and long story short, she had a kid and gave it up for adoption through LDS family services. T

he interesting part is that the family has kept the adoption open and stays in regular contact with her.

They live a few hours south, and this weekend they're having a birthday party for the baby (she's 2 now), and my girlfriend invited me along.

Literally no one in her life except for her family and 2 of her best friends and myself know about this.

She kept it from literally everyone. She told me a while ago, and now she wants to let me meet the baby and the family.

I would be totally okay with this...if I was sure that I wanted this to last. Can I really go through with it and then, if she keeps up with this whole not getting anywhere in life stuff, break up with her? I'm pretty sure that would be the most devastating thing ever for her, to finally trust someone enough to let them in totally and then have him walk away. I don't want to be that guy.

Honestly Bro Jo, I just don't know where to go from here and I'm not sure how to react to this whole thing. It's a scary, frustrating situation and I don't want to screw things up, and mostly I just don't want to destroy her heart.

She's a really really sweet girl and she wants to be so many things, she's just really really hesitant about stuff and has a hard time making big decisions. She's scared of failure, because she's definitely seen making the wrong choices backfire.


Anyway, enough novel here. Do you have any insights or recommendations for me? Anything you can offer would be amazing!


Thanks, have a great weekend!


- Do I Have To Do A Clever Name?




Dear Clever,

Loving someone, in my book, means taking the good with the bad.

I think because you were hurt so badly before, you're (understandably) afraid of being hurt again.  And I think that's leading you to think things are more complicated than they are.

So you go with her to meet the child and adoptive parents.  So what?

She's clearly asked you because she trusts you to be her friend during this very scary experience.

You get to take a three-hour (each way) road trip with the woman you love . . .

I'm sorry . . . but I just don't see a negative or risk there.

In fact, I'll argue that this time together is exactly what you need to find out whether or not you're truly ready to take the next step.

During this trip you should do more listening than talking, but I suspect you'll have the opportunity to bring up your concerns about things like her not working and any other concerns you have.  If you do so in a loving "help me to understand" non-accusatory way you might really make your relationship stronger.

Now I'm not a big supporter of Open Adoptions, and I don't think it's good for anyone, especially the child, to have the birth-mother show up . . . at all . . . but that's not the point (and not something I think you should tell her, by the way).

You love her.  And she loves you.

Be Supportive.

Instead of looking for ways out of this relationship, look for ways to build it.

Be a go-with guy.

- Bro Jo

Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 3 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

Very sound advice and a great perspective to take as I attempt to step away for dating as I've imagined it.

Man, you aren't giving me a lot of wiggle room to stop dating a girl. I do see the more grand design behind this idea though. The detailed approach was very helpful, thanks for providing step-by-step instructions. I'll get to work with thinking on potential girls. I haven't made many quality friends in my short time in (location withheld), so I may need to call on my Bishop for some guidance to find some local girls.

Once again, know of my appreciation for your thoughtful and insightful response. I'll be sure to report on my experience.

Thanks again,

- Motivated




Dear Readers,

While I'm not entirely certain, I do think the young man that sent these emails is now married.

Regardless, while we know dating, even when we're old enough to be Serious Single Dating, can be scary and intimidating . . . it doesn't really need to be.

Yes, dating prepares us for many important things, including Eternal Marriage, it's also supposed to be fun!

The key is that while the RESULTS can be serious (meaning important), not to take ourselves OR those First Few Dates too seriously.

Enjoy!

Best,

- Bro Jo

Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 2 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

I appreciate the thoughtful response from you, especially since you are a busy man with many family responsibilities.

To speak briefly on your candid items. I've never experimented with self-stimulation and am not viewing pornography. I believe your wife is wise to point out those things as being a causation for some men to avoid marriage. Also, I do look forward to having sex with my wife someday. The procreation power and bonding mechanism to my wife are things that definitely appeal to me.


The more I've talked with people who are married, the more convinced I am that you need to marry your best friend or someone who ranks high on your friendship list. I'm very analytic by nature and even more so since my job revolves around that mentality. As a result I'm quick to rule out many girls who I don't connect with early on.


I can definitely see that despite the tough times in marriage and family living there are some very rewarding experiences to be gained.


Unfortunately, I may fall under the "....sad" category.

While I was in (location withheld) there were a handful of girls that wanted to date seriously and I passed on them for one reason or another. There was one girl in particular that I talked myself out of seriously dating because she was 5-6 years older than me (31/32 yrs old), established in her career as a senior engineer, and I was just "a kid" with his first job out of college. At the time, I felt justified in not pursuing her, but I look back and fear I made a mistake since she possessed great attributes and was a cute. I let my fear of her age and her dwindling fertility clock keep me away. The older I get in some ways I feel like my bar has to be set higher because I didn't settle down with a girl earlier. I'm not saying this is right, but it's a thought that has crossed my mind.


Your kissing philosophy is a good one and it works, I've seen that through my own experiences. Ha!


Do you believe it's worth my time to date girls that I don't see future potential in for marriage after having a few meaningful conversations with?


I have set a goal to participate in some proxy sealing's this week with the hope it will add to my desire to date and find a wife after being well instructed this weekend during conference.


Thanks for your sound advice while mixing in some humor, I'm grateful for it.


Hope your week starts off well.


Respectfully,


- The More Motivated "Coming Out of Retirement" Dater



Dear Motivated,

So clearly you have had a bad habit of ruling out women too early or that you maybe shouldn't have ruled out at all.

I think part of that is because you don't understand dating and part of it is because you've been doing it wrong altogether.  (No offense.)


While dating certainly should lead to Eternal Companionship, and post marriage is one of the things we need to do to keep our marriages strong, it's clear that you're mentally jumping there way too soon.

That's okay.  We can fix that.

And we're going to take advantage of your analytical gifts in doing so.


It's called Rifle Dating.


Take a look at all of the single women you know.  It's best if you narrow it down to women who live close enough to date and that you could some day, perhaps in the very distant future, take to the Temple.  (That means active in the Church in my book, and that's all.)


Friends.  Sisters of friends.  Friends of friends.  Third cousins.  Ward members.  Friends of ward members.  The girl that works at the grocery store.


All of them between ... let's say ... 19 and 35 with "extra consideration" given to those between 23 and 30.


And, using your analytical mind, pick the one that you think would be the most fun to date and that deserves the most to be taken out on some dates.


Whatever that means to you.


She's pretty.  She's interesting.   You really want to kiss her.  She's just so quirky and weird you find her fascinating.  She's a great person.  You respect your mom and she told you to.


Whatever.


Give yourself one week to pick out this girl.


(And no, do not share your list or criteria with anyone.)


And ask her out.


Not for this weekend, but by this weekend for the following.


Have a fun plan and go into this date with exactly that purpose.  You're not looking for the mother of your eternal children, you're having fun and getting to know someone better that you think is great and deserves to be taken out on dates by a Great Guy (that's you).


And then keep taking her out, at least once or twice a week, until there's some MAJOR reason not to.


I'll be specific.


1.  You have confirmation during this time that she's been making out with someone else.

2.  She says she doesn't want to date you anymore (which, by the way, you will only know because she tells you so - which means you may have to ask her).

3.  You fall madly in love with someone else who feels the same way about you.


That's it.  Only those three reasons.

Anything else you come up with is to be discarded as invalid.  Because it is.

Sometimes, brother, we need to live a principle to gain a testimony of the principle.

And sometimes we lose that testimony or question our beliefs.  That's pretty normal.  Satan works on us.  We have questions.  We get discouraged.

But we need to endure.  Sticking to what we know to be true from our past experience or prophetic guidance until our testimony is restored.

Date this girl because she deserves to go out and have some fun.

You have the money.  You have the time.  And you're a decent enough guy to ensure she has an enjoyable experience.

Plus, you know, the leadership of the Church says to.

And that's a pretty good reason.

When you're on your date focus on finding things about her you like.  Deep.  Superficial.  All of the above.

When you talk to her look for things you have in common.  Ask her about her.  Make her feel cherished and special and attractive.


Be Sincere.

And Be Positive.

Onward Christian Soldier.

And let me know how it goes, would you please?

- Bro Jo

Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 1 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm hoping you can shed some light into how I can get out of my current dating funk. I'm a 27 year old guy who is on the right path. I have a great job, am financially independent, and strong in my commitment to the Church. One area that I know I am currently weak in, is my desire to find a wife.

I would date somewhat frequently during college and never struggled to ask a girl out. Once I left the college scene unmarried, my struggle to date really began. I spent a few years in Colorado where I was able to date on on occasion and even tried out the online dating scene having some minor success. As of today, I've been on maybe one or two dates in the 12 months... Which of course is well under your prescribed 50 dates/year. My previous Bishop said to me one time while I was counseling with him that there was roughly 5% of the girls in the ward that he thought matched up with. I ended up trying with 3 girls out of the ~30 girls in my ward.

As of a few months ago, I'm back in the "mormon belt" (Idaho) and have really struggled to build up a desire to date. Honestly, I thought a change of scenery would help. From what I can see, I've grown more and more content with the single life which must mean I'm selfish despite my love to serve in my calling, in the temple, and in my home teaching. I have a feeling Satan has me right where he wants me. How do I build back up my desire to date? I've tried to study marriage in my personal study by reading the scriptures and counsel of church leaders, prayed for the desire, and counseled with many of my married friends. None of this has really seemed to help up to this point.

If you have any insight, I'd be eager to hear your perspective.

Sincerely,

- The Unmotivated "Former" Dater




Dear Unmotivated,

Look, to be candid with you I have no idea how an LDS man isn't so eager to finally have sex that he makes it to being unmarried and in his late 20's.  Sister Jo is convinced that a lot of you are using porn and self-stimulation.  Why get married, she says, if a guy thinks he can take care of all of that on his own?

Now, I'm not saying that's your deal.  You've certainly not given any indication that it is.  But if those things are a part of your life they could certainly be sapping your motivation, which is one of many reasons to stop.

Just had to get that out there so we can move past it.  If appropriate.

You also need to know that there's nothing wrong with being 27 and still single . . . per se.  For some marriage just isn't in the cards during the time when they home it will be.  The Lord's timing, not ours, right?

But consider this:  if the sex thing isn't enough motivation, perhaps you'll be motivated by the joy you're missing out on not having a family, a wife and children, of your own.

Sister Jo and I don't get along every moment of every day.  (In fact she's pretty mad at me right now, I think.  And no, I'm not really sure why.  Fairly certain that I'll be apologizing later tonight, though.)

And we don't have the hots for each other all the time, either.

But I do love her.

I love spending time with her.

I love talking to her.

And I know that my life is undoubtedly better because of my relationship with her.

Marriage isn't easy.  It's a lot of work!

But every trial, every decision, every illness, every frustration, every challenge, every new home, new job, new day, is easier because Sister Jo is in my life.

And my life can be pretty stressful from time to time.

I've got a lot going on.  Lots of pressure.  Lots of expectations.

And lots of things that can distract me from the things that are really important.

Is every day dancing trees and singing flowers?

Not even close.

Despite the joy of this moment, stresses still come.

Tomorrow will be a tough day.  Lots to do at work, and lot's expected of me.

But at 8 am I will walk my youngest daughter to school.  We will hold hands and talk about little kid things and maybe even sing a Disney song or two.

In that moment I will be reminded of the things that are truly and eternally important.

Family.

And the relationships we form here.

Every year you aren't married those blessings are denied you.

If you're not married because it just hasn't worked out, that's one thing.

But if you're not married because of selfishness, because you have failed to see how wonderful some of the women around you are . . . well that's just sad.

Sister Jo and I got married pretty young.  That was difficult.  But even then I find myself from time to time wishing I'd married her a year or so earlier.

And you may find yourself having similar thoughts one day.  You may find yourself lamenting the lost years and the postponed blessings because you failed to act, because you failed to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings the Lord has for you.

Date because it's fun.

Date because it's good to get to know people better.

Date because Good Sisters deserve to be taken out once in a while by a Good Guy such as yourself.

Date because Good Girls won't let you kiss them until you've taken them out a few times and kissing is awesome!

Enjoy the anticipation, the discovery, the thrill!

Just before I started dating Sister Jo I discovered that if you waited to kiss the girl you took out it could be really fun.

Don't kiss her on the first date and she thinks you're a gentleman.

Don't kiss her on the second date and she thinks you are really interested in her as a person.

By the third date she's thinking "I really hope this guy kisses me!"

It's pretty awesome!

(Okay.  I should confess that I tried that successfully with just a couple girls and had every intention of trying that with the future Sister Jo but on the first date she was just so gosh darned cute I couldn't help kissing her.  Oh well!  Worked out well for me!)

I understand that dating hasn't worked out for you yet, but give your despair and apathy back to Lucifer and Go Have Some Fun!


- Bro Jo

Is it Time for a DTR? (part 3 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

You truly are an inspiring man!

That all makes sense now, and knowing now that those little things are not only appropriate but recommended is even more helpful.

And it worked!

Update: today was successful!

I think we both are on the same page now, which is the confirmation I needed. And I feel the need to thank you again for all you do.

The clueless daters in the world, like me, are so grateful!

THANKS!

- Star




Dear Star,

You just brightened my day!

I don't know that I deserve those kind words, but thank you.

Cheers,

- Bro Jo

Is it Time for a DTR? (part 2 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for the quick response! Your guidance is so helpful!

One more thing... How might I show him that I am interested, in ways both verbal and non-verbal? I wouldn't say I'm bad at flirting but I don't exactly know how I can tell him I think of him as more than a friend.

I have even asked some of my girl friends and roommates how they think I could give an unmistakable green light (because guys usually don't get hints) and we are all stumped.

What should I do?

- Star




Dear Star,

Have you kissed him?

That's usually a dead give-away.

And I strongly recommend it.

If you're too shy, then do things like taking his arm when you walk places.  Look in his eyes when you're talking.  Invade his personal space.  Touch his arm, shoulder, knee when you're saying something to him.

Even the densest of RM's will clue in.

As for the verbal stuff . . . I find that nothing works better than talking.

Does that help?

- Bro Jo

Is it Time for a DTR? (part 1 of 3)

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey there Bro Jo!

I have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.

I'll keep it simple.

I just started my first semester at BYU and recently I have been dating an RM that I met over the summer. He's musically talented, and our skills are pretty compatible to each other (he's on the cello, I'm on the piano, Piano Guys style!) and we performed a few musical numbers together in our YSA ward and got to know each other pretty well in a really good casual setting. Right now I would say it's nothing serious, in fact on our first date I expressed my concern that so many young adults just go out and get married without really dating around. But he's asked me on a few dates since. And as we both spend more time together, I feel like I have fallen hard. I mean, he's such a great guy. I kid you not, he is literally the best guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

In fact, I honestly wouldn't mind if we took our relationship to the next level... and I think he might have the same feelings. But maybe I have confused him because of the comment that I made on our first date? Do you think he's having reservations because he's 4 years older than me? I wouldn't say that age means a whole lot to me, but, alas, I can't read his mind. I really really want to "upgrade" our relationship to the level where I can call him my main squeeze, you know? We haven't really kissed or held hands or anything but I feel like that could happen any day. I don't think either of us want to rush into things that we want to last for eternity but if my senses are right, both of us are seriously interested. But maybe we just don't know how to express our feelings for each other??

Soooo, I think eventually we might need to have a DTR talk, as dreadful as that sounds.

How does one "define the relationship"? Maybe you can give an example walk-through conversation? A list of do's and don'ts? I have read up on most of your other lists (which I love) but I haven't found one that quite fits this situation. Obviously I would wait until I feel it is right to have this conversation, but I would really hate to like... mess it up. Or say the wrong thing.

I have never done this before because I am fairly new to the serious dating world, and I would guess that I am not the only one who would benefit from this kind of advice.

You're seriously the best, Bro Jo. Thanks for everything.


Sincerely,

- Star-crossed




Dear Star,

Thank you for the email.

The one list you may have missed is "Bro Jo's Levels of a Relationship".

You can find it HERE.


DTR's are an interesting thing.  You know Sister Jo and I never really had one?

Well not in the beginning anyway.

See, we knew we were in a relationship that was exclusive and going somewhere because we were spending all of our available time together and that time consisted of a lot of kissing and hand holding.


For the record, I think many of us have made the mistake of proclaiming what we think we want at the wrong time.


Quick story.

I had gotten in the habit of doing my homework in the Library during lunch.  One day there was this stunning girl sitting all by herself.  I sat down at her table and struck up a conversation.  She was amazing!  We laughed, bonded . . . it was going great!  I was just about to ask for her phone number and then somewhere I got the stupid idea that because she was in the Library she probably hated cheerleaders (as do many jealous girls in High School) so I said something derogatory, thinking that she'd really think I was great.  Problem was . . . you guessed it . . . she was on cheer.  That one ignorant and snarky comment killed the conversation and ruined my chances.



Look around your college.  It's full of people (mostly women fall into this category, I'm afraid) who miss amazing Eternal Companion opportunities because they announce (and exemplify by action) that they're not ready for anything that might one day lead to an Eternal Marriage.

Huge mistake.


But in your case, not something that can't be overcome.  After all, he IS still dating you, isn't he?


If you feel the need to take back what you said, to let him know you may no longer hold that opinion, then do.


Trust the Spirit.  You'll be fine.


And ENJOY this time!


Young relationships can be a lot of fun.


Thanks for the kind words,



- Bro Jo

Can Snarkiness Get You a Boyfriend?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi. I live with 5 other girls at a religious university. As part of our religious culture, one girl apartment gets paired up with one boy apartment to meet once a week.

Yeah, we both know where this is going.

I'm going to call him "Seth".

When Seth and I met, we hit it off immediately. We have a few interests in common. We talked a lot, mainly only to each other.

Seth and I aren't very nice to each other. Actually, we are downright awful. I tease him and he teases me. It's a nice arrangement.

Naturally, my roommates hopped on the "OMG HE LIKES YOU EEEEEEE" train. Unfortunately, I was on the "Wow what a nice friend he doesn't like me" train. Our trains are going completely different directions. Mine is going to Cincinnati and theirs is going to like Jupiter or something.

Sunday, our apartments met for a Sunday dinner. Seth and I bickered like usual. I ended up getting his number and he and I ended up texting the rest of the evening. He persuaded me to go Tunnel Singing (a strange, weekly tradition at my university. We stand in a tunnel, reach into our deepest, cultish selves, and sing hymns for an hour) that night. My roommate joined me so I wouldn't be alone. Seth found us and pulled us over to his group. While we were singing, Seth and I didn't make any physical contact, or whatever. I occasionally bumped into him to see the hymnbook better, but I wouldn't stay there. After tunnel singing, Seth told me to bring the rest of my roommates with me next time.

The next day, Seth and I were texting again. He kept asking me what my roommates think of him.

So that's the story. A real thriller, I know (perhaps it will be made into a movie.... Jennifer Lawrence would play me and Matt Bomer would play Seth).  I think that Seth and I are just friends. I even think that he has a crush on one of my roommates and is using me to get to her. My roommates think he likes me.

Help.

Love,

- I Just Like Fighting With Him




Dear Fighting,

And your question is . . . ???

Does he like you?

Probably.

Does he like one of your roommates?

Maybe.

If you like him and want to date him and kiss him should you stop the elementary-school playground garbage and start speaking to him with kindness?

Absolutely.

Look, sarcasm can only go so far.  You're both putting up a wall because you lack the maturity to be vulnerable.

Love is a risk.  A risk worth taking.

If this is ever going to go somewhere you're going to have to find moments where you allow you something deeper and richer than snarkiness.

Often potential relationships never happen at all because snarkiness and sarcasm, frankly, aren't endearing; they're immature and annoying.

Consider this:  can a relationship of substance ever be built between two people who mock each other for fun?

Sure, teasing can be part of the fun, but at some point we have to grow beyond that if we want something more than a kindergarten sandbox type relationship.

- Bro Jo

Learning to Talk to People

Dear Bro Jo,

I have always been extremely introverted and somewhat socially awkward. In the past I could spend all of my time alone and not really care. It's not that I don't like people or even that I am necessarily shy, I just don't know what to say when taking to people. It is especially difficult for me to talk to girls and adults. This is becoming a problem because I am now 18 and am now one myself and about to serve a mission.

I enjoy spending time with friends and family and I have been trying to come out of my shell but it is simply against my nature. I really want to be able to develop relationships with the people I come into contact with but I don't really know how.

Is it possible to overcome my reclusive nature?

How can I become better at communicating with people?

How can I become comfortable with talking to adults and girls?

- Introverted




Dear Introverted,

How does one become a better swimmer or musician?

Communication is a skill.  The more we practice, the better we become.

Instead of focusing on what to say, develop a half dozen "get to know someone questions":

1.  What is your name?

2.  What is your family like?

3.  What do you like to do in your free time?

4.  What do you do for work or school?

5.  What are your goals?  Hopes?  Dreams?

6.  If you could travel anywhere, where would you like to go?


With each question you ask LISTEN to what the person is saying and think of a followup question.


For example:

"My name is Brother Johnston"

"Cool.  Where does the name "Johnston" come from?"

"Well . . . it used to be Johnson before my great-great grandfather decided to add the T.  If you go back further in our genealogy it used to be Johansen"



And you continue along that line of conversation as long as it's engaging.

If they ask you a question, you answer.

It's much simpler than you think.

Just practice!

- Bro Jo

Is Love "Something We Fall Into" or is it "Something We Choose"? - part 2 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for the awesome advice.

I gave it a month of frequent dates.

The conclusion is still that I think he's an amazing guy, but not the one for me.

Your clip from Hitch was spot on.

I communicated clearly and honestly precisely what I told you, as you advised me.

At first he was understanding and tried, but a few days later he was back to the clingy and overly-affectionate behavior.

He told me he loved me all the time and started talking seriously about marriage, especially after conference.

That should have been a girl's dream come true, but it terrified me. I feel that I was really patient and understanding; a person can't help how they feel.

Additionally, however, a person can't force them self to feel a way they don't. It just got really taxing, and whether it was my gut or the spirit, the answer became clear.

Thanks for the support and your time. Your email gave me a lot of comfort.

- N.W.




Dear N.W.

If all things work out for the best, you'll only date one person that you don't break up with . . .

Now, that said, I can't begin to count how many times Sister Jo and I "broke up" . . . good for me that none of those took!

God bless,

- Bro Jo

PS:  Don't give up!



[Dear Readers,

Thought you might like to know that this particular N.W. got married a couple years ago.  To someone that when she had originally written these last two emails, she hadn't even met yet.

Best,

- Bro Jo]

Is Love "Something We Fall Into" or is it "Something We Choose"? - part 1 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the years of advice and encouragement you've provided to so many people. I enjoy reading and pondering almost every post you write.

I wrote to you awhile back complaining and feeling sorry for myself, and you helped me pick myself back up and look forward with faith.

The reason I write to you today is because I have found an amazing guy to date. We have a lot of things in common and identify on many levels. Our minds seem to work in similar ways. He's also very committed to the Gospel and has taught me and caused me to ponder many new perspectives.
I've been dating him for about three weeks. He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't even bat an eyelash when it comes to driving that far to take me on a date. However, with him being so far away, when he comes to go on a date our dates end up being very long. Longer than a normal date. In fact this weekend he rented a hotel in SLC and slept there so he could take me on another date the next day. Should I be honored or freaked out that he cares for me so much he's willing to be this dedicated?

The other day, on our 6th date, he shocked me by telling me he loved me. Everything was going pretty well up to then, except for the fact that he's a little overly expressive about his emotions (for my taste). That sounds so rude, but as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a fluffy words kind of person. Or at least not in this stage of the game. He's always sending me texts thanking me for the best week of his life, or telling me I'm the most amazing girl in the world. It's all coming on a little strong and I'm trying hard to be patient and not let myself be scared off running for the hills. When I'm with him and we talk about real things there are many,many qualities I admire and I do enjoy our time together.

However, I am not in love with him yet. I've expressed this honestly. The thing I hate worst is to lead people on. He's been really understanding and supportive of this, but he still continues to express himself inordinately.

A little background on the story: he's 29 and I'm 22. I have dated a ridiculous amount of guys. I don't tell you that to sound conceited, in fact I'm not proud of the fact that I've dated so many guys. I understand its all for my experience, but I have had so much more than my fair share of heart ache and causing heart ache to others. I have taken periods of time to regroup and figure out how to be happy on my own. In fact, I'm to the point now where I'm a little too independent and happy to be on my own. I'm also very reserved. Though I'm still very young, I'm aware of the fact that if I'm not careful I will fall into the trap of single hood because its so much easier for me than the vulnerability of a relationship. Also I'm a flight attendant, so the opportunities for distraction from loneliness are endless. Being an overly-cautious person about everything in life, love and marriage absolutely terrify me.

To tell you a little background on this man I'm dating, he has only kissed one other girl in his whole life. There's nothing wrong with that, he's just been terrified of girls and women, and is so kindhearted that he's been taken advantage of and hurt countless times. Apparently I've awoken something in him though, because to me he doesn't seem shy at all. We talk for hours and hours and sometimes I get a little annoyed at how much he talks. I'm a kindhearted person as well, and I think its one of Heavenly Father's gifts to me that I'm able to help others feel at ease and confident with themselves. I only say that because its happened numerous times with friends and people I've dated.
Anyway, he reminds me of how I was when I was 18. I fell so easily for people back then because it was all so exciting and new. I wish I could catch his same enthusiasm, but I'm just not there yet, and do not know if I'll ever be. I haven't felt that "over the moon" feeling since I was 18-19, and back then I fell for the guys who treated me absolutely the worst because I didn't have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet.

I like the advice you've given recently and the honesty you share about yours and Sister Jo's relationship. You specify clearly that the "Hollywood" feelings are unrealistic and that people my age are way too picky and quick to throw a relationship out just because it doesn't feel perfect.

Alternately though,my mom tries to tell me that when I fall in love I will be head over heels crazy and never want to be apart from them. But my personality is way different than hers. she is a rose-colored optimist and I'm a pretty even-keel girl. I don't get giddy or excited too often at all. My emotions tend to stay grounded. Though I do feel very deeply and considerate for the people and things that I love about life.

So that's a ridiculously long explanation leading up to my questions for you, but my questions for you are these: in your opinion, do you believe love is always something we "fall into", or is it a choice?

Do you perceive any red flags or concerning desperation from what I've told you about this guy?

Lastly, do you think I should hang on and continue to pray about this relationship to give it its best chance, or should I let him go to be able to find a girl who matches his enthusiasm? I am not to the point that I'm no longer interested in learning more about him, I just need a little space from his excitement.

Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you've had a pleasant Sabbath

Sincerely,

- N.W.




Dear N.W.

I'd like to start by pointing out to you that you began by telling me that you've "found an amazing guy to date".

Some people "fall into" love . . . and some people choose to love.  And sometimes it's both.  And sometimes we change.

I do believe that, in general, men fall in love with women they're attracted to and women grow attracted to the man they're in love with.

I also think that the Church is full of men and women who have let a rational concern about picking a good eternal companion grow into an unhealthy fear of marriage (and a fear of sex).

And I think we can balance that with the fact that it's a Good Thing that you're not as easily twitter pated now as you were when you were first out of high school.

I understand (and at least one of the Jo Boys would agree) that being overly pursued by someone who is more excited about the relationship than you are at this point can be a turn off.

(Ever seen this clip?)

I dated a girl who, on paper, was quite the catch.  Pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with . . . but she did two things that drove me crazy.  One was that she was just too smitten too soon.  It scared me.  (The other was that she used "baby talk" ALL ... THE ... TIME . . . some people may love that, but for me it was really annoying.)

I don't see any Red Flags at this time.

Pink ones, maybe . . .

For example:  there's nothing wrong with him getting a hotel room so he can date you twice in one weekend.  I think that's very cool, actually.  But under no circumstances should you ever be at (and certainly not in) said room with him.  Not that you would.  But it needs to be said.

And your age differences are on the edges of what I recommend.  That might have something to do with the uncomfortable feelings and / or the different perspective you both have on life . . . but it's not big enough to be a Red Flag.

In general I think you should worry a little less about your enthusiasm not matching his and consider yourself lucky.  If he's as amazing as you say he is and he's that head over heels for you . . . well, little sister, those are not a bad combination!

You know . . . I wonder if it might help both of you if you were to share with him what you've shared with me.  After all, the key to any awesome relationship is communication . . .

What you're perceiving as "over enthusiastic" might be a symptom of his concern that he might lose you.  If he knew that you like and care for him, but that you find it a turn off when he gushes as much as he does; that you want to keep dating him and love to see him all the time, but that you'll be more comfortable if he slows down a little . . . perhaps is more sparing and sincere with his compliments . . .

I think that's worth a shot.

Hate to see you miss out on a great guy, especially one that you seem to like so much.


- Bro Jo